Where I am now… confused, uncomfortable, and anxious.
LONG story short, my Parents were deeply wounded as children, and wounded me in-turn. I started in my own personal knowledge journey 8 years ago, and discovered I liked who I am. I realized I couldn’t change anyone other than me and set out to make my life the best I could without requiring anything of my family of origin to change.
4 years ago, I became aware that, by accepting the role I was born into with my family of origin, I was recreating their dysfunctional patterns for myself in my own life and set out to change them. I am understanding only now, that I had suppressed and disowned feelings and parts of myself that were “unacceptable” during my initial change work 8 years ago, and the “self” I had constructed then, while much closer to my authentic self than the one imposed upon me during my upbringing, remains false.
1 year ago, I stumbled upon the family secret about my Grandfather’s (25 years dead) alcoholism. I’ve been attending Al-anon regularly for the past 5 months to understand how my Mother’s living with alcoholism and never coping with or healing the effects, puts me in the position of requiring they be healed now. Finally, in Al-anon, I’ve found people who come from similarly dysfunctional families, and the environment in which healing is possible. I’m deeply grateful for the gift of Al-anon and working the steps currently.
My calling has also been blessedly revealed to me, and I am deeply enjoying my work as a Relationship Coach presently. Unfortunately, as I was hesitant to accept the position and responsibility for so long, my finances became a disaster and I was left with no choice but to return to my Parents’ home, where I am now.
Again, grateful to be here, because it gives me the opportunity to learn how to detach from our co-dependence (which until Al-anon, I had never understood was the actual problem). However, living in their chaos is painful. 4 years of scraping by to survive financially, and all the mixed messages and suppressed emotions that are being revealed now leaves me DEEPLY CONFUSED. While I wouldn’t change a thing, I’m seriously tired and depleted from battling against scarcity, and unlearning my defenses that I’ve been using for 8 years against the defenses I had to develop as a child is confusing. I haven’t known what is real since I was about 2.
I would very much love your guidance now, as I feel strongly that YOU are the first person I’ve attracted into my life who is capable of providing for me the type of consistency, wisdom and mirroring I provide to my clients. My current working theory (please correct me if you disagree) is that I am where I am at this time because, being codependency tied to my family until now, my (inherited) distorted reality has produced negative attraction in my life. I have begun to reverse that polarity… however your assistance is appreciated and welcome as I continue getting the old dysfunctional thinking, behavior, emotional, and physical habits out of my system.
What do you think?
Friend
My friend,
That is some very enlightening discoveries you have found. As for where you are at this moment it would be that a great void of suffering and illusion need to be called to the root. Lets make this about energy and your interaction as an energy. As WE both have found our truth it was about the things we endured to include the acts of alcoholism, drug abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse. The choice that we were able to find was the core. Here is what it came down to, as you inherit anything, you have a choice to keep it or give it all away. In other words as you are in energy in this moment do you move away from the energy of go into it? As you elect to go away from it, you now will start to direct a role to play to be something that gives you an identity as it were as a product of the energy you endured. Running away, you can be in a thriving career or be in a long term relationship, all of which will still bring you back to what you moved away from why does this happen? Because the root is still intact and not dived deeper into only the consequences of what the root caused. The root is why did someone decide to choose alcohol? why did they choose to use drugs? Why did they choose to be physically abusive? Why do they choose to abuse someone emotionally. This is the shaking off reaction that we see that all beings of energy have.
The only being of energy that holds this energy and doesn’t shake it off instantly is the human being. The human being is a funnel of collective energy that will endure the experience of what was done and will vibrationally ring inside the being not showing them how to ring this out as you would see a dog do to remove surplus energy of a swan or any other being that has been disrupted by energy.
The remembering of what it was when you experienced real at the age of 2 will tell you this. You fell down and scrapped your knee you didn’t make an identity of the pain until you were taught. The two year old you, scraped the knee and got up and screamed or cried and then it became as you got older and fell questions were asked of you that created the identity to no longer get up and shake it off now it was bottle necked inside you to be something else because of the pain that was endured. How do you remove such a thing? You do so with going to the root of the pain and no longer seeking reasons.
So your grandfather was an alcoholic? what pain was he covering up? what was he not communicating that he wanted to be numb through? Did it have anything to do with you? Did it have anything to do with his children? Was his drinking nature something that his mother and father did that they were covering this up as well? Even going back shaking this off of them, will not change the path of what you can shake off and embrace now inside yourself. Embracing what you are as a being of truth in the light.
Example of this: Lois as a child would sit at age 9 and wait for her father to come pick her up along with her sister who was younger than her on Fridays. Her father wouldn’t show up, as he was at a bar drinking and hanging with friends. He would become completely drunk not realizing that his kids were waiting for him. As they would finally get around their father they would smell the alcohol. He loved his kids very much and his drinking wasn’t about them, but it was that they experienced the energy in abandonment because of what his root was which caused him to drink. As they became older they were attracted to men who did these types of behaviors not even seeing it as a cycle of energy but rather a familiar stream of energy that was consumed in the root with these as the symptoms. The fear of abandonment as they found abandonment needed to be hidden as to not know the reason why in relationships a man wouldn’t stay around or would become illusive they needed to experience the non communication as a familiar energy to experience what they felt could be unconditional love which was very much conditional. Conditions are met in this way! Do you see the dysfunction? Do you see how just these moments caused the truth from eluding even the children who didn’t even know the root of why these things happened? They didn’t because a part of them which wasn’t aware of the root, became the role that they experienced in the hidden truth of the energy they were all infected within.
The elections of codependency, Is that the dependency is not the truth, the root or truth of the dependency can only be pointed to by the familiar energy you experience because of the root. As a negative energy that has pain, what is the pain specifically? what are the dysfunctions of the energy as it relates to what outcomes happen? Are you able to see the conditions, and embrace them unconditionally with or without reason? This will point to the conditions you have on yourself, because of how you interact in those conditions as they arise.
All behaviors in energy that you produce have a cause and effect. Mainly these are translated into thoughts that repeat and cause your behavior to exert the energy in cycle, which is embedded in thinking which to realize that knowing is how the cycle can be broken and healed. Example: I am successful because I am a confident person in SOME WAYS… This is a lie! The truth is you are successful regardless of what you think, as your body is producing aliveness in being which is everything, it is in interaction to all energy whether it is positive or negative. No matter the negative or positive the choice to see the light is to see the truth in it and embrace it as a truth.
This is done in truth… as you are pointed to the truth without the distorted thinking that goes with it the forgiveness can be how the truth is embraced.
Love Deeply,
Lois & Clark