Dear Diary: When my iPresidentophone sounded Song the Volga Boatmen this morning, I was reaady. " Is that you, Boozing Boris or you, Mikhail Gorbachev?" I inquired politely. "It's Vlad Putin here, moron, Do you wish to join me in the hotel for a breakfast of hot sorghum porridge? Certainly, Mr Putin, Sir," I acquiesced. I had ordered my customary Froot Loops via room service, but these are the little sacrifices that we global leaders must make in the cause of world peace. But enough about me.