Barack Obama's Diary: Mountain Men

Dear Diary: Today's retreat at Camp David went well. The guys came up with some interesting ideas, most of which seemed to involve inappropriate behavior with females, since that has generated some immediate and amazing name recognition for Anthony Weiner and Mayor Bob Filner of San Diego. My guys had better not try any funny business with Valerie Jarrett or Nancy Pelosi, or they will immediately be turned into pillars of salt or, in Pelosi's case, require copious amounts of eye bleach. It seems that I am going to have to return to my theme of inequality, during my public addresses. It's not equality of opportunity that's lacking -- affirmative action gave me plenty of opportunity. But some still claim that my presidency has been disappointing. I want  equality of outcome. I want  to be the gold standard,  so I cannot be upstaged by some old has-been shaving his head. But enough about me.