Dear Diary: I consulted my alternative reality this morning, smoking a fat joint of Blueberry Yum Yum on the South lawn and tried to figure out where John Kerry had gone wrong in the Geneva talks on Iran's nuclear weapons. A voice in my head said: "Barry, You know you got problems when the French start callin' you a Cheetos-eating surrender monkey. I think Hanoi John may have taken my instructions to sign an agreement and get out of Geneva ASAP, far too too seriously and tried to give away the farm with nothing in return. Bibi Netanyahu called me this morning, incandescent with rage. It was the same time that Putin normally calls, while I'm eating my usual Froot Loops with chocolate milk. But this time my unique, specially engraved iPresidentophone burst into a rousing rendition of Hava Nagila, which is my ringtone for Bibi. But enough about me.