Dear Diary: I am beyond furious. That rat Romney has been going around saying that Putin is outperforming me on the world stage. Of course Romney isn't party to the devastating rebuffs I deliver to Putin daily whenever he calls seeking my counsel, addressing me with the affectionate nickname "Obamavich." I'll bet a lotsa rubles that Mitt has never been honored with the nickname Mittvich.
By an odd coincidence my mobile phone at that very moment sounded a dirge from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir [or Motab to us cognoscenti] which I had set as Mitt's ringtone the night he lost to me. "Mitt," I said for it was he, "What can I do for you, other than accepting your apology for your slanderous remarks about me and Putin?"
"Barack. I have a question for you. I had a call this morning from a man calling me Mittvich and claiming to be Vlad Putin.
" Mittvich is Russian for moron, " I said. If you hear from him again, Mitt, just hang up."
Problem solved.