It’s hard to believe the first weekend of Coachella has already flown by. If you didn’t make it to weekend one, you missed once in a lifetime performances from world renowned artists like Bicep, Co.fee, and Hot Since 82 (and of course a slew of virtual unknowns like Calvin Harris, Outkast, Ellie Goulding, and Lana Del Rey).
Does Coachella really take place in the desert? If so, why? Also, will there be camels, and what percentage of attendees will smell awful?
Yep! It’s in the desert, all right—Indio, California, to be exact. No one really knows why the desert was chosen to host an outdoor music festival. Camels are not permitted, but with temperatures that could easily exceed 100 degrees, assume that 87% of those in attendance are going to reek of B.O. and pot.
Can I tamper with my wristband?
No way! If your wristband is tampered with in any way, it’s void. Besides, you’ll need your wristband intact to contextualize all 15 of your #coachella Instagram photos.
How many showers will I need to take once I get home?
At least two. If you actually set foot in any tent, probably four or more.
Is there really a bad dancing competition? How is that different from the festival itself?
Yes! There is a bad dancing competition. How that’s different from most of the dancing at the festival itself… We’ll get back to you.
I’m living paycheck to paycheck, but I cannot miss this music festival. Can I buy tickets on a payment plan?
Sure you can! At Coachella, we support all questionable decision-making. You just need to pay 20% up front as a down payment, and then 6 additional monthly payments will be deducted at the beginning of each month July through December.
What if two bands I want to see are playing at the same time on stages that aren’t remotely close to one another?
You’re fucked. That’s just how musical festivals work.
How much does water cost? Is it the same price as it was in 1999? It’s very important for me to know the price of your bottled water hasn’t increased and that you’re proud of that fact.
Water costs $2, and that’s the same price since 1999! We like to keep the water prices low so you have more money to spend on drugs and alcohol.
If I’m a new mother, can I pump my breasts at Coachella?
Absolutely! Bring your own breast pump and visit any three of our medical tents to pump your breasts and refrigerate the proceeds. When you’re done, you’ll receive a #coachellaprioritieschampion button to affix to your crop top.
Can I bring cigarettes?
Yes. Cigarettes are mandatory. No one will be admitted without their wristband AND cigarettes.
Who’s Molly?
That’s a question for Miley Cyrus.
Can my three-year-old get in for free?
Yes! Children aged 5 and under are free. Coachella doesn’t guarantee that any of the drug dealers at the festival will be following the same policy, though. Also, be sure to check out our #coachellaparentoftheyear tent!
Help! I’m a woman. What should I wear?
Envision that section of Forever 21 that’s filled with all the tribal-inspired clothes that make you wonder, “Who would pay money for any of this?” Any article of clothing from that area will do.
If you’re looking for more specific ideas, consider the following: high-waisted denim shorts, crop tops, floral-printed anything, crochet anything, a maxi dress, fringe, ankle boots, feathers, mesh, a full skirt, ruffles, big sunglasses, masks, a flower headband, tribal prints, and don’t forget your controversial decorative bindi and Indian headdress!
Help! I’m a dude. What should I wear?
We recommend wearing Bermuda shorts and a tee shirt that you’ll inevitably take off because you’re either high, drunk, sweaty, or some combination of the three. Consider shaving strategic parts of your head to stand out from the women wearing bindis.
What kind of people will I see at Coachella?
You might see a few music fans and celebrities, but it’ll mostly be “free spirits,” drunk girls, and several other people you’d rather not meet.
Can I bring a fanny pack (full of drugs and drug paraphernalia)?
If you’re confident enough in your appearance to wear one, you may bring a fanny pack (full of drugs and drug paraphernalia).
Will I see celebrities (and “celebrities”) wearing ugly clothes?
Absolutely.
Have you ever been to Coachella? Was it worth buying an outfit you’ll never wear again?