I really like this boy, but I really shouldn’t. I can not get him out of my mind. I know he is no good for me. I am addicted to things that are no good for me… It is all I know. I desire love and affection to fill the void within me, yet he can not do that because he does not love himself either.
I am left feeling alone, trying to drown out the thoughts from my mind. Trying to run and hide from my pain. Finding myself lost within the games. He tells me that he feels alone when I am right there. I feel an ever drowning sence of not being good enough. Not being pretty enough or skinny enough. Yet I really long to just be accepted. I long to feel good enough.
He only wants one thing I fear. Sometimes I fear that I am only good for abuse. This is a lie that was beat into my head growing up being raped. Having my father and many other strangers drug me and sneak into my room at night. No amount of crying would save me… No point crying because no one would hear anyways. For what gain is the money you pay other to pimp your daughter! This gaping hole in my soul hurts…
I try drugs and alcohol to fit in to the box that I don’t fit. To belong somewhere. I feel so out-of-place inside my head. I feel so ashamed and broken. Always been a lost child. Lost with no sence of direction in a madly spinning world. Not quite sure what I am doing anymore. I just want to be happy again. I just want to feel safe and accepted.
I know I should walk away
I know I deserve better than this
I know there must be hope down the road
Stay strong <3 You are not alone