As a lifelong Reform Jew, with eminent Reform rabbis in my family tree, of course I was glad today to see the Reform rabbinical school announce that they will finally begin accepting students who are in interfaith partnerships. As someone born into an interfaith family, I have been waiting for this news all of my life. As an interfaith families activist, I have been advocating for this change for decades. And I celebrate for friends who have been waiting to become Reform rabbis.
But.
The letter explaining the long-awaited change betrays a profound misunderstanding of the lived experiences of interfaith families. And, while I am all in favor of a repentance process for the harm done by the previous policy, the new policy will continue to do harm. As I see it, the new policy is based on a number of harmful myths:
- The myth that you can raise "exclusively Jewish" children in an interfaith family. The letter announcing the change states that rabbinical students will be required to maintain "an exclusively Jewish family" and that these students must raise their children "exclusively as Jews." As anyone who is part of an interfaith family can attest, you cannot erase the religion and culture of a parent, or extended family, from the child's experience. They will attend a beloved grandparent's funeral in another religious tradition, a cousin's baptism, an aunt's wedding. These are intimate and formative experiences in the life of an interfaith child. You can choose one formal religious affiliation. But pretending that the other religious culture is not important, or does not exist, is a form of gaslighting.
- The myth that interfaith education is dangerous. You can choose to only give your children formal religious education in one tradition. You can exclude educating them about the other religion and culture in your family, making the topic forbidden. But why would you do that, other than to conform to this policy? Everyone needs more interfaith education in this world. And children deserve to be educated about the religions and cultures in their family tree. Excluding any form of education seems just, well, unJewish.
- The myth that interfaith families are a challenge, without any benefit. The new policy, and the language describing it, seem based in fear, control, and frankly, despair. There is no trace of understanding of the benefits-for rabbis, for their families, or for their communities-of the joy of living in an interfaith family. There is no hint of how Judaism might benefit from creating leaders who are interfaith bridge-builders and peacemakers because of their lived experiences doing this interfaith work 24/7 in their own families. What a lost opportunity.
- The myth that you can promise to raise children a certain way. The new policy announcement refers to aligning with the "dominant" practice of Reform clergy of requiring a "provision that the couple agrees to maintain a Jewish home and raise their children within the Jewish faith." Unfortunately, this promise is absurd. First, it is coerced, imposed on couples who are desperately seeking a rabbi to officiate at a wedding. Second, it is unenforceable. Life is long. A parent dies, a spouse falls ill, we lose our religion, we return, we discover new spiritual inspiration. We cannot promise where we will be in our own journeys, or in relation to our partner. We cannot anticipate how our children, even before they are teenagers, will have ideas of their own about the mysteries of life, and their affinity for text and ritual.
As interfaith families, we are the present and the future. We are the majority of marriages in the Jewish community since 2010. And half of the Jewish interfaith parents in many communities are choosing both religions. As Jewish leaders begin to rise from interfaith families, the landscape will change. We are here.