Here is my story. I have never managed to talk about this sober, so this is really difficult for me, however I do want to share my experience with you and your blog readers.
So it was 2008 and I was 22. I had recently moved into my own one-bedroom bungalow and an internet “friend” of mine was becoming homeless. I should really have paid attention to all of the things that people had said about him and you will find out why.
So my friend (let’s call him Shaun) and I move into this one-bedroom bungalow and things are going quite well. Until we started being sexually active with each other. This wasn’t a problem initially, as who was I really hurting but myself?
And God knows, I was a sucker for punishment.
I was on the Pill and thought that I was safe from pregnancy. Stupid me didn’t think of diseases or anything. However, a few months into his stay with me, I started experiencing really bad lower abdominal cramps, so naturally, I went to go and see my GP.
He informed me that he thought that I had a urinary tract or bladder infection and to be on the safe side, he prescribed me some anti-biotics. He failed to mention that while I was on these anti-biotics, that the oral contraceptive might not be as effective and that I should really take extra precautions.
Lo and behold, I started getting all the symptoms associated with pregnancy. I started feeling sick, I never threw up, though. My appetite decreased. You know the drill. So, I took a test and it came back positive. I was in shock. So I went back to my GP and told him of the news and he asked me what I wanted to do.
I didn’t know, I hadn’t really expected to be pregnant at 22. I never thought myself parent material. I had seen how tough it had been for my mother to be a single parent with the three of us and my sister had a little girl. I could see how difficult being a parent could be.
By the time I found out I was pregnant, Shaun had moved out back to whichever home town he came from as we were having fall outs all the time and I asked him to leave. I caught him online not long after I found out and he promptly told me that it couldn’t be his baby as he had had a vasectomy and told me I must be pregnant by somebody else.
I had only ever slept with him in the past year, so I was gobsmacked at his reaction. He already had two children from a previous relationship. How could he accuse me of such things when he knew how I felt about having multiple partners on the go?
After I had told the father, I was quite upset so I thought that I would talk to my family. My mother comes from a Muslim background and didn’t believe in children outside of marriage and threatened me by saying if I didn’t get an abortion, that I would be disowned from the family.
At the time, I was extremely scared. My mother, my sister, my brother and my niece were the only family that I had. We had no extended family to speak of due to my mother being disowned by HERS. I also thought it strange that she had threatened to disown me when she didn’t disown my sister for having a child outside of wedlock.
So after a lot of upsetting conversations with my family, who I hoped would support me no matter what, I agreed to have an abortion. I went in for a preliminary scan where they wouldn’t show me the screen while they performed the ultrasound for fear that I would change my mind.
Heaven knows, if I had seen that screen, I probably would have changed my mind. All this time, I did feel that the abortion was wrong and I was battling in my head. An abortion, or a possible life of putting an innocent child through my mental health problems and the benefits system of this country as I had mental health problems and we would never be well off.
Two days before I the actual even itself, I had to go to the next town over to take a pill to “kill the foetus”. That day was my birthday. What a way to spend your birthday, eh?
So I went for the abortion two days after the killing of this foetus. My sister happily accompanied me. All smiles and happy faces. Luckily, I only had to take another pill to start the labor process, I wasn’t as far along to require a D n C. I was 14 weeks gone and petrified of what was to come. So I took the pill and was told whenever I needed to go to the toilet, whatever I did there, I press the button to call the nurse.
Eventually, I passed the poor foetus and was free to go home. The ride home on the bus was hell. I wanted to cry but didn’t dare in front of my sister.
The next few days were a blur as I hid my grief from my family who were apparently quite glad that I had escaped this close call. They didn’t want the one who was mentally unstable to start spawning children, apparently.
To this day, I still get upset and feel extremely guilty about the choice I made. Which would have been better? The abortion? Or raising a child when I had mental health issues? All by myself? On benefits? I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do it. And now as I get older, I worry about my fertility. What if I want children? Was that my last chance?
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mom who is either a member of my Facebook mums group, a Twitter follower or has been submitted to me via email. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me. You could help us share the blogs love to helping others by sharing via the social sharing buttons.