The author: Thea De Gallier
DailyMail: ‘I never thought I’d need an abortion. In my mind, it was one of those things that happened to other people – unlucky people. In my early twenties, two friends confided in me that they’d had one, and I remember the cold horror that washed over me at the thought of dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. I remember how thankful I felt that I’d never been in, and probably never would be, in that situation.
How naive I was. The cold horror that did wash over me when, aged 24, I watched two pink lines appear on a pregnancy test, was far more paralysing that I could have imagined. There was no choice to be made – I was having an abortion, and I wanted one as soon as possible. Tuesday’s Femail article about women confessing to guilt-free abortions on a secrets app shows that I’m not alone in my lack of hesitation around choosing an abortion.
Women on the anonymous messaging app Whisper have been describing their feelings of relief, and even happiness, after the procedure, proving that the popular trope of a woman agonising over the decision and feeling consumed with guilt afterwards is often inaccurate.
The website womenonweb.org, a network where women who have had abortions, or are planning to have one, can find support and information, states that ‘most women do not need psychological help after an abortion’. And, while it acknowledges that every woman reacts differently, it also points out that ‘most women feel a sense of relief that they have made the best decision under the circumstances’.
I am, without doubt, one of those women. When I found out I was pregnant on a sunny July day last year, the first thing I did was pour myself a double vodka and light a cigarette. I sat on the balcony of my rented, shared London flat and thought to myself that even if I wanted a child, I couldn’t possibly bring one into my current circumstances. I had no savings and no house of my own.
I was at the beginning of my career as a journalist, and my freelance work at that point was unreliable at best. My parents lived over 100 miles away, in a two-bed terrace that couldn’t accommodate me and a baby. But, most importantly, I had no desire whatsoever to be a mother. To make matters worse, my then-boyfriend had ended our short relationship just hours before I took the pregnancy test. We were incompatible in almost every way, from our political views to our taste in movies, but even if we’d been happy and together, I wouldn’t have wanted to continue the pregnancy.
I’ve never felt a desire to become a mother, and the positive test didn’t ignite any hidden maternal feelings. The thought of re-writing my future and giving up on my ambitions to bring up an unwanted child was out of the question.
So why is it still tacitly expected that I’ll feel any regret? If I disclose to friends that I’ve had an abortion, their reaction is invariably to offer their sympathies. While I appreciate the gesture, I’m not sure how to feel about the assumption that I’m somehow struggling with the experience.
A scan at my preliminary hospital appointment told me that I was nine weeks* pregnant, and I cried. Not because I was unsure whether to terminate the pregnancy, but because of my all-consuming desire not to be pregnant in the first place. On the day of the procedure, my mother was with me. We’ve always had a close relationship, and she supported my decision from the start. My biggest fear that day was that the anaesthetic would make me sick; since childhood, I’ve had a phobia of vomiting that I’ve never quite been able to shake off, and this was, hand on heart, my only concern.
When I came round after the termination, mercifully nausea-free, I felt utterly liberated. I sent my ex-boyfriend a text that simply read ‘it’s done’, and was amazed that the heavy biliousness that had plagued me for the last few weeks had lifted instantly.
One woman on the Whisper app says that she went to a nightclub on the same day as her termination. While I wasn’t vocally celebrating, I understand her desire to get straight back to normal and embrace her freedom. After my procedure, I felt excited about the future for the first time since finding out I was pregnant. I threw myself back into work, moved into a nicer flat and, after a few months, started dating again. Almost a year on, I haven’t felt any regret or sadness. The only emotion I occasionally feel is a wave of relief that I don’t now have a three-month-old child.
Apart from that relief, I haven’t ever wondered what my life would be like if I’d had a baby. Because I was so set on my decision from the start, it was never a scenario that needed any consideration, and I still feel that being a parent would only have changed my life for the worse. Perhaps that’s the reason I rarely, if ever, think about the abortion now; it certainly doesn’t stand out in my memory as a particularly traumatic event.
Most of the time, there’s no need to talk about it, but if the subject arises with friends, I have no issue discussing it. People’s default reaction to finding out I had an abortion is to say how sorry they are that I had to go through it, before asking if I ever considered continuing the pregnancy. When I explain my feelings, I’m invariably met with understanding, and a good few of my friends have said they would have felt the same in my position.
That isn’t to say that some women don’t feel negative emotions following an abortion; counseling is offered before the procedure for this very reason. But there’s no correct way to feel, and my reaction is just as valid as the next woman’s. I have no doubt that I made the right decision.’
DCG
*A Baby at Nine Weeks
Your baby now has earlobes. Your baby’s eyelids are now fused shut and won’t open until 27 weeks. The tips of your baby’s fingers are slightly enlarged where his “touch pads” are developing. Your baby can now move his limbs; all the major joints are working, including the shoulders, elbows, wrists, knees, and ankles.