A week from now I’ll be on my way to the bus stop. Smiling, and shifting the weight of my back pack awkwardly from shoulder to shoulder, yoga strap tangled around my neck; passport, tickets, cash clasped tightly…never letting go….not until I’m on that plane and my back’s slammed up against the seat.
I’ve been practicing more and more…asana practice, meditation, and beginning to increase my awareness of my body: the niggles, the weaknesses, the strengths. Emotionally, I’m finding myself in this insane space of acute vulnerability. Opening up, and feeling such rushes of love…and fear. One of the hardest things I find, is to stay present in those moments. Opening up and resonating with all of the energies around you…the feelings that arise…the paranoias, the self-doubt….the torture we put ourselves through in trying to defend ourselves from our own demons, our own memories. We are always hurting ourselves. Making assumptions and challenging our self-worth. Not believing that we are worthy of, or capable of receiving unconditional love. Yet it’s all around us.
How many times have you created a story around the quiet voices you hear in the corner of the house; or the silence of an unanswered message? Convinced yourself of not being accepted, or wanted…felt, and reacted to the pain of that….only to have the harmless truth unravel like a sigh of relief a few days later.
Perhaps that’s just me…but when that happens, I’m beginning to see a shift. A behavioural shift….no matter how overwhelming the feelings become, I’m always trying to pay attention, no matter how broken and scattered, to the sensations in my body. The rushes of heat, and cramping in my stomach. The clenching of my jaw, and shallow breath. The burning behind the eyes, and constricting of my chest. An attitudinal shift…it isn’t the end…it isn’t as awful, and terrible as you feel it is in that moment…because that moment will pass, it will most definitely, without question…pass. And if you stay with it, allow yourself to feel it….it will dissolve. My understanding of that gathers momentum and strength with each storm that arises. There comes a time where you start to welcome the storm. Put the pain to one side…and feel grateful for the opportunity to shed another layer. Feel that little bit closer to who we really are.
I’m coming through a storm of my own. A quiet one, I wrestled with deep inside. When I close my eyes, and focus on my breath, there’s a stone in my chest, and a tightly wound serpent writhing in my right hip. Perhaps I’m not through it just yet. Perhaps this is just the start of something…but I’m not scared by that. Breathing in, breathing out…I can also feel the subtle washes of vibrations through my arms and legs.
I feel safe. In a week’s time I’m going to a place where I can ride this out. I’m ready.