I was amused by a self-deprecating piece in The Telegraph by Ivan Hewett (no, me neither) who is, apparently, their classical music critic. It was entitled, intriguingly, 'What do conductors do?' His opening paragraph sets the tone:
Whisper it quietly – do orchestras actually need conductors? Aren’t they just
overpaid martinets? Catch some of the “poor bloody infantry” in the pub after a
concert – ie the orchestral players – and soon enough the horror stories emerge:
the petty tyrant who delights in bullying players, the aged maestro with a
tremulous beat like a flagpole in a stiff breeze, the greenhorns who come
garlanded with competition prizes but still have to be nursemaided through the
music by the players.
Instantly I was on my knees before one of my bookcases scrabbling to find a slim paper-back written nearly 30 years ago by the late Hans Keller called 'Criticism'. He, I would guess from his book, was an acerbic old sod who did not suffer fools gladly - and he would be the one to decide who qualified for that title! Part I of his book was entitled Phoney Professions. In no order of merit, or perhaps demerit, came the following:
Viola players
Opera producers (today we call them 'directors')
Conductors
Music critics (of which 'fraternity' Hans Keller was himself a distinguished member)
Musicologists.
The list goes on to include non-musical 'professions', such as, Professional Broadcasters, Editors, Politicians, Psycho-babblers (my word!) and Teachers. So, as a retired second-hand car dealer I can only lean agains the wall and wipe my brow in relief not to have had a mention! Here is a taste:
However, before he [the conductor] came in and went about his business of stupefying the orchestra and thus making it dependent on him, orchestral musicians were intelligent enough, had to be, to cope with the problems of ensemble playing and choral playing (ie, 'tutti' playing, the playing of a part with more than one instrument to it.) The conductor's existence is, essentially, superfluous, and you have to attain a high degree of musical stupidity in order to find watching the beat, or the conductor's inane face for that matter, easier for the purpose of knowing when and how to play than simply listening to the music.
Ouch!
Mr. Hewett is more circumspect. He admits that conductors are prone to a certain amount of histrionics in their conducting techniques and says that audiences appreciate that because it indicates something of what the music is about. Well, not me, old mate! If I see a conductor 'doing a Bernstein' I simply shut my eyes to blank him out and just concentrate on the music. As I have mentioned before, many a time and oft', I do not know the difference between a crotchet and a quaver and every time I go to a classical music concert I have no idea whether they played it well or badly. All I know is my own emotional state at the end and, rather like you ladies in, er, different circumstances, I just know whether or not my magic spot was touched!