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I had cut contact with many friends and family members and just shut myself off from the world.I was thirty eight weeks pregnant when I went into labour, I had all the signs but was in denial. The truth was I was petrified of having a baby. The father of my unborn baby and I had split up when I was fifteen weeks into the pregnant and we hadnt spoke since.
I was selfish through the pregnancy, I smoked & had a pint or two at the weekend. I was still so immature and it didn’t hit me that I was going to have a baby until I was in the hospital being told I was eight cm dilated.
I remember looking at my sisters face full of fear , she gave me a look as if to say it will be fine, you have to do this & theres no going back.
I was fine, no pain, the contractions had only just started to become uncomfortable at this point and I cried because I was scared. Those thoughts going through my mind not knowing if I was going to be good enough for my baby, not knowing if I knew what to do.
I had given birth in the pool without even a tiny smidge of gas & air then there she was in my arms. I looked at her and all I saw was him.
I remembered what I had brought into this world, a fatherless child, I felt go guilty. She was so beautifull and tiny, I was in complete shock of becoming a mother.
I remember standing up & blood gushing out, the midwives handing my baby to my sister and then rushing me to lay on the bed, shoving there hands up me trying to force the plecenter out of me. I refused to do anything, even dress my baby.
They said my plecenter was in bits & I had to go to theartre but again I refused. A few hours later I was home, I left my baby with my mother and went out, I didnt even give her her first bottle. I had not even held her in my arms for more than twenty minutes.
Things got worse, I refused to get out of bed to feed her, to wind her to do anything, she become colicy and nothing changed, I didnt want her near me the sound of her crying made me angry. I never hurt her nor did thoughts of hurting her go through my head but it killed me being a mother. I wasnt ready.
A few weeks later my mother made me go to the doctors and there it was, I had post natal depression, I was given tablets and they didnt take effect for a while. After a few weeks I felt better, I would wake with my baby, feed her, change her play with her and of course I felt like I was her mother.
I now had that ‘bond’ that I wished for when I held her in my arms, she was mine, the most precious thing in the world..
Over a year later I have never felt better our bond is amazing, nothing can break it. Shes a real mummy’s girl and our love is uncondiontional..
I wanted to write this for the blog as I wanted to thank my mom for always being there and for making me go to the doctors. If I didn’t I think I would of gave my baby up for adoption.
PND is such a dark and terrible thing, I still to this day will never be able to describe how I used to feel. Its just a heartbreaking torment, that I am thankful to be over.
This post is an anonymous guest post – if you could spare a moment to comment it would be much appreciated, it is difficult to share something so personal.
If you would like to share your own experience of PND you can submit your own story for the blog.
USA loopylouise2011@hotmail.co.uk