My Dad & Me
Dear Dad,
It has been almost a year now that you have not been in my life. It feels empty without you at times as you could always make me laugh. Yes you annoyed me and yes there were times I could have strangled you with my bare hands, but I miss you.
I can’t remember now the day you left me, I never saw it coming. One day you were there and the next you were gone.
You may well be thinking my dad is dead? He is not.
My dad is an alcoholic.
He may as well be dead to me. I lost my dad a long time ago.
You attended my wedding 6 months ago and I know it broke your heart when I explained you would not be walking me down the aisle. How do you tell your own father he is an embarrassment to you. I knew despite your promises you would not stay sober for my big day, I was right. You were asked to leave half way through the day as you were making a scene or few.
The grandchildren miss you, its sad to say but the youngest two no longer remember you. You have become a stranger to us all.
Your my dad and I love you but I also hate what you have become.
Where are you when I need you? When I need someone to take my fears away? Someone to just talk to, a shoulder to cry on? You are drunk somewhere.
I have lost respect for you. I have stopped crying myself to sleep at night wondering where you are. I have long since stopped wishing you would change. You never will. You do not want too.
You wallow in self pity. You drink because its everyone’s fault but your own. You blame me and say its because I do not love you, the truth is the only love you know lies at the bottom of an empty bottle.
Stepping away from you was one of the hardest things I have done in my life. For 30 years I became your support, your rock, your escape. I could no longer bail you out, give you money for more alcohol. Put a roof over your head when you were too drunk to find your way home.
You became homeless and moved into a shelter. How I cried at night knowing you were there alone. I would try to phone you, even tempted to ask you to come and stay with us, your family. But the need for your alcohol is too great, that comes first.
You know you are forbidden to come and visit us when you have been drinking, so you do not come. That hurts. Not even the thought of spending a day with your 6 grandchildren who live a 20 minute bus ride away is enough to make you not drink, just for a few hours.
I have learned to accept you what you are. I know you will never be that dad I used to know. I have lost my dad and in his place stands a stranger.
My front door will always be open for you, when you are able to remain sober. Until that time know that I love and miss you very much.
Your Loving Daughter Emma x