I may perish in August, because for the first time in two years I’m doing not one but TWO “fun” 5k runs with obstacles.
The last time I did an obstacle-filled 5k was back in 2012 when I did Pretty Muddy (which is a women’s only mud run series). I ran, fought my way through beach balls, climbed a wooden wall with slats, and scaled a giant triangle made of ropes. Because that was the worst description ever, here’s a photo so you fully appreciate the situation (courtesy of Pretty Muddy’s Facebook page):
The length of these runs (3.1 miles) doesn’t scare me as much as the obstacles. Back in 2012, I was probably in the best shape of my life. I wasn’t working full time yet, and I had all the time in the world to spend two hours at the gym every morning like Taylor Swift. Needless to say, I’ve had to cut back on my fitness regimen since then, and in 2014 I’m less confident in my athletic abilities despite going to the gym regularly.
The first 5k is coming up this Saturday, August 9th. It’s called Pandemonium in the Park, and it’s a smaller mud run not far from my neck of the woods (maybe like, the collarbone of my woods to be precise) in the suburbs. My second 5k is August 23rd at Soldier Field (which is where the Chicago Bears play, if that context helps you). That run is called the Epic Fail Challenge, and it has a lot of inflated obstacles similar to the kind you’d see on the TV show Wipeout!
The Epic Fail Challenge has plenty of images of all its obstacles, so at least I have some idea what bones may potentially be broken by the time I cross the finish line, but the Pandemonium 5k is leaving a lot to the imagination: there are only textual descriptions of each obstacle. Maybe I’m being a diva here, but when it comes to tangible, physical obstacles I need to overcome (unlike the temptations of carbs or menstrual mood swings) I like to see a visual representation of what I’m up against.
Here’s all the information I’ve been provided, and the initial impressions I have:
Color Burst Start
Each wave will begin with a count-down and color explosion. The pandemonium comes early and often!
Color explosion, like a bomb of color? And if so, what colors? I hope it’s not orange, because I have a feeling being covered in orange will damage my self-esteem as a wannabe athlete.
Killer Moguls
Yup, within the first 200 yards, meet the hills of Centennial West. Remember, there is a down-hill – YOU CAN DO IT!
When I read killer moguls, I thought they meant Diddy would be shooting at me like when he dated Jennifer Lopez and was thuggin’ in his Puff Daddy era. I’d probably be more motivated by Diddy shooting a gun at me than by running up and down a bunch of hills.
Bubble Pass
Mr. Bubble has nothing on us!
I hope the creators of this race understand there’s a distinct difference between bubbles and foam. I’m willing to run through bubbles, but not Freshman year college party foam.
Trip-wire Park
Tip-toe through trip-wires near the Dog-Out dog park.
Trip-wire? I just did a Google images search and found this:
Slip Sliding Away
Double fun with the water soaked slip and slide inflatable. Belly flops welcome!
Seriously, fuck who ever decided to put this in. Slip and slides are fun when you’re too young to care about your own personal doom or flashing your chest, but those are real concerns I have now as an adult.
Sand Bag Hill
Yup! Just what you think! Up and Down the hill, perhaps with a twist of water!
Does that mean I’ll be carrying a bag full of sand? Or does this hill just have a name? IS THE HILL COMPRISED OF SAND BAGS? Also, twist of lime = good. Twist of water = no. You don’t even need to twist anything to get water (except maybe a faucet, but that’s not the point).
Blaster Gazebo
Pandemoniums will be taking aim on you with their soapy water cannons. We’ll avoid your eyes!
Shouldn’t the runners be called Pandemoniums, not the people working there? Wouldn’t it technically be Pandemonia? And YOU’LL AVOID MY EYES? CAN YOU REALLY GUARANTEE THAT? I’M GOING TO BE IN MOTION!
Mud Mountain
The Mount Everest of mud! Told you being clean wouldn’t happen!!
I’m a little skeptical that this is really the Mount Everest of mud.
Tunnel Crawl
Army crawl thru 30’ of buried tubing, try not to get stuck or eat any mud while you’re in there!!
I haven’t army crawled in a long time, but a wedgie and/or camel toe seems unavoidable. Also, trying not to get stuck and not eating mud are high on my list of priorities for this race.
Tubular Gazebo
Noodle your way thru the noodles. Watch out, we may have water cannons in there!!
YOU MAY? JUST SAY YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE WATER CANNONS IN THERE. And stop talking about noodles when I’m trying to exercise.
Creek Tube Crossing
Cross the creek on a bridge of tubes, and yes, you have to cross back the same way!!
Is that structurally sound?
Pillar Killer
Step from pylon to pylon without falling. It could hurt depending on how you fall!
PYLON? I JUST GOOGLED PYLON AND FOUND THIS:
Slipping Sliding Hill
Slip & slides have no age limits! Slide 40’ down the foam filled sledding hill.
FUCKING FOAM
Skate Park Bowl
Hold onto the ropes tight to cross the bowl, or get wet!
Oh, please don’t tell me I have to swing across a bowl of water.
Tube Crossing
Cross the concrete “pond” without taking a dip!
YOU CAN’T SAY CONCRETE AND THEN PUT “POND” IN QUOTATION MARKS. IS THIS WATER OR CONCRETE?!?!
Inflatable Obstacle Course
At least this one is dry!!
Sand Crawl
Think, human inserted into sausage tubing – crawl your way to the end.
That’s disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO
Walk the Plank
20’ to safety. Up, across and down!
What’s below the plank!?!?!
Balancing Act
Balance beams look easy right? What, with a sandbag – uh-huh!
As a matter of fact, NO THEY NEVER LOOK EASY UNLESS YOU’RE NIMBLE AND GYMNAST-Y!
Tire Toes
Football players do it, you can too!!
I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
Splash Zone
Hose off from all the Pandemonium.
I may need a body bag more than I need a hose.
All will be revealed this weekend, but please keep me in your thoughts. In addition to embarrassing myself by my physical limitations, I also worry that I might fart/poop when I’m exerting myself (you never know).
In any case, I’m hoping I’m able to find this “beast mode” that people are always talking about and manage to pull through somehow.