Is it possible that your ex is pretending to be over you, but actually still has feelings for you?
And if so, why did your ex break up with you in the first place?
And if you were the one that dumped your ex and now wants to get back with your ex...
How can you be sure that your ex still wants the relationship back and is not actually already over you?
More importantly, if your ex is actually pretending to be over you...
How do you get your ex to commit to a relationship with you again?
In this post, I'll share with you 7 clear signs your ex is pretending to be over you but actually still have feelings for you...
And what to do to get your ex back if your ex shows any of these signs.
But first, it's very important to first know whether...
Is It Really Possible For Your Ex to Be Pretending to Be Over You?
The answer is YES.
Why am I so sure?
Over the years, I've coached many clients to help them get their ex back in their situation...
And while most of the situations are where my clients were dumped, I've also had many coaching clients who were the ones to initiate the breakup.
So although they initiated the breakup, they still want their ex back.
For example, whenever I take on a new coaching client, I will first go through their situation in detail to find out exactly what happened in their relationship before coming up with a detailed and customized plan for them to get their ex back.
Recently, when I asked one of my coaching clients what she thought caused the breakup, this was what she said:
Me. I pushed for the break up. I fell in love with someone else. My ex was demanding, unaffectionate, perfectionist who took me and my love for granted. Most of the time, he was not interested. Having said that, we did have a good and comfortable life. I fell head over heels over an old boyfriend who wondered into my life again. He talked and made me laugh. It was that simple. Things between the old boyfriend and I eventually fell apart and I came to understand the difference between infatuation and real love. I hurt my ex deeply. I made the biggest mistake of my life.
From here, you can see that my coaching client broke up with her ex but then ultimately regretted that decision.
That's because she realized that she actually wasn't over her ex.
What she wanted is for her ex to treat her the way she wants and deserves to be treated.
But when her ex didn't treat her well, she started to fall for her other ex.
However, she soon realized that she wasn't over her first ex.
She thought she was and pretended to be.
But the reality was that she still had feelings for him.
Here's from another coaching client who broke off with his ex:
I broke up with her because she was constantly starting fights and we quarrelled frequently. When I was with her, I felt unhappy and depressed. But after the breakup, I realized that I played a part in the demise of the relationship and still love her.
This coaching client of mine also broke up with his ex but then realized that he still had feelings for his ex and wanted to get his ex back.
So it's certainly possible that your ex still has feelings for you even after your ex broke up with you.
From these two coaching clients, you just had a peek into the mind of the dumper.
So if your ex is pretending to be over you, why did they break up with you in the first place?
Why Your Ex Broke Up With You
From the two examples I gave of my coaching clients, you can see that there is one common theme that led to the breakup, and this is the same for all breakups...
And it's simply this - Your ex did NOT feel the way he/she wanted to feel in the relationship with you.
Chances are that you said or did things that were inconsistent with what your ex thought the relationship would be like...
Or you stopped doing the things that you had done when you first got together with your ex.
Here are just some of the common reasons that lead to the breakup:
- Infidelity / Cheating
- Stopped being loving
- Took ex for granted / Don't let ex feel appreciated
- Constant fights, quarrels, arguments and conflicts
- Not enough excitement
- The relationship became boring, mundane and routine
- You became demanding, controlling and constantly put pressure on your ex
- Insecurity / Asking your ex to constantly reassure their love for you
- Depression
- Addiction to gambling, drinking, drugs that led to a dysfunctional relationship
In short, anything that lets your ex feel that the relationship wasn't the same as how it was when you two first got together...
Will lead to your ex feeling unhappy or unsatisfied in the relationship, and subsequently lead to a breakup.
But that doesn't mean your ex is over you.
Your ex most likely still have feelings for you, but they just can't stand being with the version of you that caused him/her to feel negative in the relationship.
So although the breakup happened, your ex may not necessarily be over you.
Your ex is most likely pretending to be over you only to make it easier for him/her and you to move on.
So now that we know that your ex could just be pretending to be over you...
How can you be sure that your ex still has feelings for you?
Here are 7 clear signs that your ex is pretending to be over you but still have feelings for you:
Sign #1: Your Ex is Still Talking to You
The very first sign is that your ex is still in contact with you and talking to you.
It doesn't necessarily have to be your ex talking to you face-to-face.
It can be talking to you over the phone...
Texting you...
Chatting with you through social media platforms...
Or even just emailing you once in a while to have a chat with you.
If your ex was 100 percent over you, then your ex most likely wouldn't want any contact with you.
Take the two coaching clients I mentioned earlier as an example.
Both of them still keep in contact with their ex.
And the reason is that they still have feelings for their ex.
However, they both never mentioned to their ex that they still want to be with them.
Why?
That's because they fear being rejected.
To a certain extent, we all fear to be rejected.
It's a natural human behavior for us to want to be accepted and not rejected.
That fear is stopping them from openly asking their ex back.
So while my coaching clients are pretending to be over their ex, they are also wondering if their ex is pretending to be over them too.
Interesting right?
Now, what if your ex isn't in contact with you at all?
Does that mean that your ex is actually over you?
Not necessarily.
Even if your ex isn't in contact with you, it's also still possible that your ex still has feelings for you.
And that leads us to the next sign...
Sign #2: Your Ex Responds Positively to You Contacting Them
If your ex doesn't reach out to you first, you can always reach out to him/her.
And if you reach out the right way, your ex can respond to you positively.
Now, while it's certainly possible that your ex is just responding to you to be friendly...
There are times that you contacting your ex can lead to him/her growing their feelings for you.
And if your ex can grow their feelings for you, it means that your ex never really got over you.
For example, I have many clients who eventually got back with their ex when they weren't in contact with their ex in the first place.
They got in contact with their ex and the conversation started off pretty neutral.
But after some time, if you do things correctly, your ex can start to respond very positively to you contacting him/her.
The idea here is to let your ex feel good about themselves when you are in contact with them, and not push the idea of getting back together.
If you keep asking your ex to get back together, that's the surest way to push your ex away.
With that said, if you do things the right way when you reach out to your ex, chances are that your ex will respond positively towards you.
And that can bring up the feelings they had towards you.
After all, you both were once lovers.
That means you already are someone that your ex is attracted to.
So even if you aren't together with your ex now, that doesn't mean your ex is totally over you.
Your ex just probably don't like the version of you that he/she broke up with.
They want to be with the version of you that they first fell in love with.
Now, what if you don't have any communication with your ex but you're in a situation where you get to see your ex frequently?
Here are a few examples:
- You are colleagues with your ex
- Your ex is your boss
- You are your ex's boss
- You attend the same classes in school...
- You're both living together...
- Both of you have kids together...
- Or any situation where you and your ex have physical proximity with each other
Then this leads us to the next sign...
Sign #3: Your Ex Can't Stop Looking At You
Eye contact is one of the most obvious signs that your ex is still not over you.
Especially if your ex quickly looks away when both your eyes meet.
Do you still remember the time before you two got together?
Chances are there would be moments where either you or your ex would catch each other's eyes and then quickly look away.
That's a sign of interest.
And if you happen to catch your ex looking at you, then it's a pretty clear sign your ex is still attracted to you to a certain extent.
For example, one of my coaching client that recently got back with her ex told me this before they got back together:
I caught my ex looking at me and she quickly looked away. This happened a number of times throughout the day as I was going around the house fixing things. It's like she is trying to hide her feelings and not want to be vulnerable.
Not too long after he sent me this message, he got back with his ex.
But what is it that makes your ex want to look at you?
And what could your ex be thinking when he/she is looking at you?
Here are a few reasons:
- You look good and your ex finds you visually attractive
- Your ex realizes he/she misses you
- Your ex remembered how it was like when you two were still together
So if you catch your ex looking at you and then looking away, or even locking eyes with you...
Then that's a good sign that your ex is still attracted to you.
Sign #4: Your Ex Questions You
I've had several coaching clients that have told me that their ex had questioned them about certain things in their life.
For example, here are some of the questions that your ex might ask you if they are still not over you:
- Who you were with or who you went out with recently...
- Whether you are seeing anyone...
- Asking if anyone has been in the house (if you both used to live together)...
- Checking where you had been too recently...
- Asking to check your phone...
- Asking anything that is sensitive relating to your relationship.
You see, if your ex is totally over you, your ex shouldn't care about your personal life.
Think about another ex that you no longer have interest in anymore.
Would you ask them the questions above?
Most likely not right?
You wouldn't even be bothered if they're dating someone now or if they're married because you just have no interest in them anymore.
All the above are questions that you ask when you're not over your ex.
In fact, these are the questions that YOU probably are interested to know about your ex right?
Why?
That's because you want to know if you still have a chance with your ex.
So similarly, if your ex asks you the questions listed above, then most likely your ex isn't over you and still have feelings for you.
Sign #5: Your Ex is Doing Things For You
Another big sign that shows your ex is pretending to be over you but isn't is if your ex starts doing things for you.
For example, your ex might be voluntarily helping you with things like getting the groceries for you...
Running errands for you like picking up the kids from school...
Buying gifts or presents of things you like or need...
Or basically doing anything that you don't really expect from your ex.
All these are signs that your ex still has feelings for you.
When we have feelings for someone, we want to do things for them.
We think that if we do that for that person, it will let them feel good towards you.
So if your ex is doing things for you, then that's most likely your ex wants you to feel good towards him/her too.
Now, that doesn't mean your ex wants to immediately get back with you...
It just means that your ex wants to see if this feeling is what he/she wants to feel too.
So the next time your ex does something for you, don't ask your ex why he/she is doing it.
Rather, just shows your appreciation, thank your ex, and also reciprocate back what your ex did for you.
When you do this, it builds up this nice cycle of positive feelings.
And when these positive feelings get built up over time, it will reach a point where your ex will finally want to get back with you again.
Sign #6: Physical Touches & Laughter
If your ex touches you and is also laughing throughout the conversation with you, it's a very clear sign that your ex is not over you.
And touches can be anything from accidental brushing of arms, hands or body, to squeezing of the butt!
Yes, I've actually had a coaching client tell me that his ex squeezed his butt!
You see, physical touches and laughter are signs that your ex is feeling very comfortable towards you.
And generally, if your ex is over you, he/she wouldn't want to have any physical contact with you, let alone have any conversation with you.
So if your ex starts to touch you or laugh a lot when conversing with you, that's a good sign that your ex still has feelings for you.
For example, I had a coaching client who had a simple dinner with his ex and that dinner led to sex.
Here's how it happened:
First, I told my coaching client to set up a dinner date with his ex.
Before the dinner date was set up, I told him to let his ex feel positive towards him by just having great communication with his ex.
Having good communication with your ex is important to the process of getting your ex back.
Because when your ex feels good in any communication with you, your ex will link that positive feeling towards you.
So prior to the dinner date, my client had already been building up the "feel-good feelings" in his ex towards him.
Then during the dinner date, I told him to try and get his ex to laugh a lot.
Laughter causes a release of endorphins, which are feel-good brain chemicals.
When someone makes us laugh, we feel positive towards that person.
That's why one of the important traits that people like about someone is a sense of humor.
So during the dinner date, my coaching client would get his ex to talk more about herself, and then make comments and jokes to make her laugh.
This made her ex feel really good during the dinner date.
Now, the plan I had for him was to just create a favorable impression during the dinner so that his ex would want to have more dinners with him in the future.
But what happened next was unprecedented...
During the dinner, there were slight physical touches.
My client would occasionally take a tissue to help his ex wipe her mouth...
And he would also "accidentally" brush her hand when passing the salt and pepper...
He also got her ex to take some food from his plate to taste.
And while his ex was taking the food from his plate, she accidentally got some of the sauce splashed on his white shirt.
That created a big clear stain on his shirt and his ex felt sorry for doing that.
My client took it in stride and even made a joke of himself making his ex laugh even more.
Very good move.
After the dinner ended, his ex said to him to go over to her place to get his shirt washed.
So when they went over to her place, his ex said, "take off your shirt. I'll get that washed for you."
He took off his shirt, then one thing led to another and they ended up sleeping together.
My client eventually got back together with his ex.
Now, the thing I want to bring across to you is NOT that they both slept together...
But rather how an ex can go from a breakup with my client to getting back together again.
This shows that it's 100 percent possible for exes to pretend they are over you when they are not.
And if your ex starts to physically touch you or laugh more often when communicating with you...
That means your ex certainly still has feelings for you.
Sign #7: Sending You Mixed Signals
Do you feel that your ex is sometimes hot and cold towards you?
For example, your ex might treat you very nicely at times...
But then suddenly change and become cold and unfriendly at other times.
If you are experiencing this, then it's most likely because your ex is conflicted in his/her feelings towards you.
And of all the signs, this is probably the most confusing one to people.
Because if your ex is indeed pretending to be over you, why then is your ex being cold to you at times too?
So why is your ex hot and cold towards you?
The main reason is that there's this tug-of-war in your ex's feelings towards you.
On one end, your ex still misses the times he/she had with you...
But on the other end, your ex feels that it's not possible to get back with you because of the problems that plagued your relationship.
For example, if there were frequent fights and quarrels in your relationship, then your ex will feel that things aren't going to change even if you both get back together.
Or, if your ex already lost trust in you because he/she had given you many chances to change but you always revert back to your old ways...
Then your ex might feel that getting back with you will only lead to more pain.
And that's why your ex is giving you mixed signals.
When your ex is thinking of the positive things that happened in your relationship with you, your ex will react in a very positive manner.
But when certain things you say or do triggers a negative feeling in your ex, then it will lead your ex to react negatively.
However, the important thing to realize here is that your ex still DO have feelings for you.
Because if your ex doesn't, then your ex wouldn't give you "mixed" signals.
Instead, your ex would just be cold towards you all the time.
So if your ex is exhibiting signs of hot and cold behavior towards you, don't make the mistake of calling out your ex on it.
Doing so can only aggravate the situation and let your ex feel even more negative towards you.
Rather, just take it in stride and ask yourself what could you have possibly said or done to cause your ex to be cold to you.
Then ensure that you do not do it again.
At the same time, ask yourself what is it that you have said or done that made your ex react positively towards you.
Then repeat more of that to get your ex to continue exhibiting more positive behaviors towards you.
What to Do If Your Ex is Showing These 7 Signs?
If after reading this and you realized that your ex is showing some of the 7 signs I listed here...
You most likely could be feeling excited because it means your ex isn't over you!
It's an exciting feeling for sure, but do not make the mistake of confronting your ex to ask your ex to get back with you.
Just because your ex isn't over you doesn't mean that your ex wants to get back with you now.
Your ex probably is still wondering if you've really changed, or if he/she really still want the relationship back.
So here are a few pointers that you want to adhere to whenever you have any communication with your ex:
- Let your ex feel good about himself/herself when talking to you (i.e. encourage, motivate, compliment, say positive things).
- Compliment and validate your ex whenever you have the chance in the conversation.
- Do NOT argue or get into a quarrel.
- Let your ex view you as very positive. People love happy people.
- Keep the conversation light and fun always
- Be very polite and friendly
- Absolutely NO serious talks about the relationship whatsoever.
These will get your ex to link pleasure to you.
And finally, here's an analogy that I tell my coaching clients that will greatly help you with how to approach your situation with your ex:
Imagine that your ex is holding an empty cup. Each time you link pleasure to your ex, that cup will be filled little by little. And each time you make your ex link pain to you, that cup will be emptied.
Your goal is to make that cup overflow 🙂
Now that you know the 7 signs that show that your ex is pretending to be over you but still have feelings for you...can you do me a favor?
Let me know in the comments below which of the 7 signs your ex is showing right now in your situation.
One More Important Thing: Before you actually think of getting help, you first need to know whether it's too late to get your ex back.
Click on the box below to take the 2-minute quiz below to find out now: