A new person has joined the team I’m a part of at the office, and I’m already tired of hearing about the most uninteresting, politically correct parts of this person’s existence.
This new person isn’t boring–well, actually, he or she might be–but I may never find out for certain because the whole new employee getting-to-know-you process is so painfully banal that by the time his or her first week is over, I may be too exhausted to even care about considering whether I genuinely like this person or not.
Maybe I’m just being me here, but I truly don’t care in what part of town someone resides—this isn’t West Side Story. It doesn’t matter to me what a person did at their former job, because I didn’t know them then, and even more importantly, they don’t work there anymore. Considering I avoid commentators and meteorologists, I certainly don’t have any time for the sports and weather opinions of common people. All of this vague information tells me nothing about a person’s character, and while I totally understand the need to avoid stomping on any toes during the interview process, once you’ve been hired, it’s time to start unleashing the skeletons in your closet and airing your dirty laundry.
In an effort to spice up the on-boarding process for new employees, I’ve compiled 20 questions that are far more interesting than, “Have you lived here all your life?” and “So you survived your first day, huh?”
1. Do you have any tattoos you regret? What/where is it?
2. If you had to marry one serial killer from history, who would it be? (You won’t be a victim.)
3. What would you do if I put a live octopus on your desk?
4. Biggie or Tupac?
5. Are you the kind of person who chit-chats in the public restroom during a tandem pee session?
6. Have you ever stolen a pen that writes exceptionally well from a restaurant?
7. Do you anyone who’s killed someone? If so, was it at your behest? If so, how concerned should I be about staying on your good side?
8. Have you ever owned a water pick? Why?
9. What are your thoughts on cubicle farting?
10. If you were ever in a situation where you knew you were definitely going to be cut in half, would you rather be cut length-wise or width-wise? (You’re going to die either way; this is a preference question, not a survival question.)
11. Do you eat fragrant foods at your desk, and if so, how important is it to you?
12. On a scale of 1, not at all, to 10, you’re a filthy scumbag, how much will you judge me for wearing the same dress pants two (or more) days in a row?
13. Do you have any spouses or children I should know about right now? If no, please don’t bring them up in subsequent conversation and expect me to know who you’re talking about.
14. Do you plan on getting any unconventional haircuts during your tenure here? How convincing do you expect me to be when I tell you it looks great?
15. Of all the people you’ve met so far, who would you feel the least conflicted about trampling in the event of an emergency evacuation?
16. Do you know exactly how many moles you have on your body? If yes, is the reason dermatological or just creepy?
17. Are you actually qualified to do the job you were hired for?
18. Do you participate in any uncommon hobbies? If yes, please allow me some time to prepare my reaction for that Friday when you suddenly mention you’re going to an Anime convention.
19. Do you intend on stabbing me in the back/making me look bad sometime in the near future? If yes, please understand my efforts to get everyone in the office to hate you will begin immediately.
20. For how long do you reasonably expect me to smile every time I see you around the office like you’re a tourist that doesn’t speak English?