Some days you are all set to write about playground etiquette, and the universe hands you a commercial about a vaginal-tightening gel, called 18 Again. I tried to ignore it, I really did.
18 Again vaginal cream. When I saw the video this morning, I began to shove it into the deep recesses of my mind where things I cannot bear live - like Paul Ryan and Honey Boo-Boo Child.
Mind-melding the Republican lower middle class (that exists, too!) into believing his budget plan will help them. Using his pic in this story makes little sense, but it gives me joy to know that it will appear as the image next to the vaginal cream story. It's the little things, folks.
If you haven't had the pleasure of seeing this commercial, here you go. Seeing a couple sashaying around the town square, waxing poetic about virgin vaginas, is as good a way as any to start a Tuesday.
Holy mother of WHAT? Where do I begin?
The woman in this commercial looks to be somewhere in her thirties. She is definitely quickly approaching her sexual prime. Let's not appreciate that, though. The eighteen year old virgin is definitely a more satisfying sex partner. And the way she is chanting "I feel like a virgin" isn't creepy at all. It's really, really, sexy.
Whoever directed this really tapped into the female psyche. Me and all of my girlfriends are constantly reminiscing about our first times, and how great they were. The futon, the crappy music playing, the romantic whisper of just get it over with! Not to mention our super knowledgeable sex partners. Ahhh, being a virgin. Don't you wish you could relive that first time - over and over and over again?
No. No woman does. Well, I can't speak for all women, but here is what would happen if my husband brought this home.
Him: Honey, look what I found - 18 Again vaginal tightening gel. It will make you feel like a virgin!
Me: You are a creepy pervert. If you want to date an 18 year old, you should just seek therapy. I want a divorce.
As usual, I'm making jokes to keep from crying. The man (surprise, surprise) in charge of this advertising campaign, said this about the product:18 Again has the power and the potential to break the shackles and redefine the meaning of women empowerment altogether.
No, sorry. It doesn't do that. And what shackles are you referring to? The shackles of being a mature woman with a normal vagina, wanting to have sex that definitely doesn't feel like the first time? Yes, it is definitely empowering for the masses to convince us our vaginas are flabby and un-virginal.
I think you are missing your target audience. You should just change your pitch, and market it to men. It should go something like this:
Does your tiny penis make you feel emasculated and pathetic? Are you a horrible lover that longs for that "first time" when neither of you knew what you were doing, and hence your sexual prowess was considered better than average? 18 Again Vaginal Tightening gel will make you feel bigger, and do absolutely nothing for your mate. It has the power and potential to break the shackles and redefine the meaning of "size matters" altogether.
Sorry to be crass as usual, but when the world stops being such a giant asshole, I'll stop being a bitch. Maybe.
While researching this crap, I happened upon the funniest ad for it, ever. Make sure you read the description.