I did not fully understand the dread term ‘terminal illness’ until I saw Heathrow for myself. — Dennis Potter
…Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O’Hare Airport.— Dave Barry.
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren’t bad people they’re just acquaintances. –Jay Leno
I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope. –Erma Bombeck
The Devil himself had probably re-designed Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts. –Anthony Price
The thing I miss about Air Force One is they don’t lose my luggage. –George Bush Sr.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do. --Henry Kissinger
Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That’s why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] “Check the diapers. They’re full.” –Robin Williams
Never get behind old people. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left. Bingo, Asians. They pack light, travel efficiently, and they have a thing for slip-on shoes. Gotta love ‘em. – Ryan Bingham (played by George Clooney), from the movie Up in the Air
Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo. –Al Gore
People come back from flights and tell you a story like it’s a horror story. They act like their flight was like a cattle car in the 1940s in Germany. That’s how bad they make it sound. They’re like, ‘It was the worst day of my life. We didn’t board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.’Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?’ – Louis C.K.
You want to know what its like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over. –Lewis Black
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? –George Carlin
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. –Mark Russell
In the space age man will be able to go around the world in two hours — one for flying and the other to get to the airport. –Neil H. McElroy