There was a time when manufacturers included warnings on their products as a way to provide useful information that could potentially save our lives. Or, at the very least, our eyebrows and/or stomach lining.
However, that all changed more than a decade ago when McDonald’s had to serve up a McMillion dollars to the woman who didn’t realize that spilling hot coffee on yourself while behind the wheel of a car can lead to a condition commonly known as “The Open-Road Lap Dance.”
In truth, that condition is really just an extension of the more common rule known as “Cause and effect,” which states:
‘Cause I’m dumb enough to place hot coffee next to the most vulnerable spot on my entire body, I am, in effect, going to do something even dumber by spilling it there. Probably before I leave the drive-thru.
Though the woman claimed to be unfamiliar with either of these two concepts, she WAS familiar with the judicial system, and how her coffee mishap could lead to litigation and a new home in the Hamptons. That landmark decision opened the floodgates to a barrage of wrongful injury cases aimed at sending a clear message to American businesses:
We will buy your products.
We will use your products.
And, God willing, we will hurt ourselves with your products and retire early.
Because of this, manufacturers have been forced to hire consultants who do nothing but sit around trying to think up ways stupid people could hurt themselves with their products. Coincidentally, LAP was able to gain access to one of these brainstorming sessions (although access was limited for fear that someone might hurt themselves). While we’re not at liberty to divulge the company’s identity, we can tell you there are at least five ways a stupid person can fatally injure themselves with a bar of Irish Spring.
The reason we bring this up is because of an actual, real-life warning label discovered yesterday on the handle of a friend’s new baby stroller, which reads:
Always remove child before folding
First of all, we’d like to point out that this time-saving tip was NOT included anywhere in the instruction manual. Had our friend known how much easier the folding process would have been by simply removing his child first, he wouldn’t have spent nearly an HOUR trying to pry his son loose from the grip of his $200 stroller.
Ha! We’re kidding, of course! He never, at any time, actually folded up his son inside the stroller. At least not without his son’s written consent (which, by the way, an attorney keeps on file.)
Ultimately, this experience led to the discovery of more examples of warning labels aimed at those who would otherwise be eliminated through the Natural Selection process.
This first example was sent in by Phillip Rankin of Coral Springs, Fla., who cut out the following warning from a box of Band-Aids:
For serious injuries please seek medical attention
That’s good advice, everyone. At least until Band-Aid comes out with a super-absorbent “severed limb” option, preferably in the less obvious “skin-colored” tone that can be worn by people on the go.
This next example of impeding the Natural Selection process is from Wilma Pettig of Marrietta, Ga., who found this helpful warning on a box of nails:
Do not swallow nails; may cause irritation
And that’s just on the way down. Imagine how irritable you’ll be the next morning when they’re on the way out.
Here’s an example from a can of primer in my own home:
Do not spray contents into face
That’s right. If you seem to be going through a lot more paint than you expected (and your retina’s are primer gray) try flipping the nozzle the opposite direction.
And in case someone is still in danger of committing a fatal act of stupidity because they won’t take the time to read this, here are a few visual warnings which — unfortunately for the rest of us — might save your life:
Another good reason to avoid wire coat hangers…
If you’ve already swallowed that box of nails, this won’t matter much.
These next two could explain why wooded areas are less populated…
Because sometimes, deciding which end of a chainsaw isn’t going to chew through your flesh is difficult.
Still, it’s cheaper and faster than a vasectomy.
In case sudden death isn’t enough of a deterrent…
“F#$% THAT! I’ll touch the fence at the risk of dying, but I’m sure as HELL not going to pay $200 for it!”
Sadly, most people will burn themselves while trying to read about not burning themselves…
Simply put, coffee will hurt you.
And lastly, most of us here at LAP took the “reproductive” portion of health class more than once. Mostly because it showed boobs. So we’re kind of experts on the subject. Because of this, we can say with certaintly that Viagra is the cause of newborns, not the other way around…
If you newborn’s erection lasts for more than four hours, he may have a future in porn
Good luck out there, everyone!
Oh, and don’t say you haven’t been warned…
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