The Top 10 Christmas Characters I Wouldn’t Hit It With
I’m crawling out of my skin with anxiety today, so rather than doing something healthy like go for a run or have a drink, I’m going to write a blog post.
One of the things I think about never is which Christmas story characters I would like to fuck. Christmas just isn’t a very sexy holiday, is it? The person whose birth we’re celebrating was immaculately conceived. He died a virgin. Santa Claus is vaguely pedophiliac, which gets no one turned on in the right way. And it’s way too cold, in places where it still gets cold, to wear sexy little Christmas outfits. Not to mention that your family is around more than usual, which really kills libido—unless you’ve been a very, very bad girl this year.
On a holiday where sex doesn’t really come into play at all, it makes less sense to think about which Christmas characters you WOULD fuck, and more to focus on the top 10 you WOULDN’T let get near your “unkempt because it’s winter” nether regions. This is a pretty sick idea, because most Christmas stories were written for children. Then again, I was making out with boys in Kindergarten.
So without further ado, and because I quite literally cant think of anything else to do, here’s my list:
1. Joseph of Nazareth
Joseph, in most depictions, looks like your average white bearded hipster, which I’m clearly into. But he just stuck around while Mary got “immaculately inseminated” by God, and didn’t say a single thing in the Bible? He wasn’t like, “Thou art a liar and a whore, Mary of Nazareth, the only angel that visited you was that young shepherd from the next village?” Or even just like, “Was it bigger than mine?” Girls are into nice guys and all, but we have our limits.
2. Tom Tom in The March of the Wooden Soldiers
Lime green leggings? A pointy hat? A song and dance move every time someone asks him a fucking question? If this dude saw a vagina, he’d wrinkle up his nose and sing with big vibrato: ”EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.”
3. The Ghost of Christmas Past
Who wants the ghost of Christmas past around in a new fucking relationship. He’d be all like “you didn’t use your hands with your ex-boyfriend” and “you probably will gain weight over the holidays” and “I actually do know exactly what you’re going to say.” Impossible to train.
4. The Grinch
First of all, he’s green. Second of all, he has a beer belly. Third of all, and this could just be from my own experience, but guys with really long skinny fingers usually have long skinny penises. Plus, he’s dog’s always into whatever he does, and you already know what that means.
5. Kevin from Home Alone
He’s a fucking 8-year-old child. Who do you think I am, Santa Claus?
6. The Third Magi, Balthasar
The other two magi bought gold and incense, which is a fancy way of saying “jewelry and perfume.” But Balthasar brought myrrh. Do you know what myrrh is used for? Embalming oil. Dude was clearly a total sicko.
7. Hermey from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
There’s a reason why Hermey was sent to the Island of Misfit toys, and it wasn’t because he was good at cunnilingus.
8. Uncle Billy Bailey from It’s A Wonderful Life
Uncle Billy Bailey is like that weird third cousin who’s always drunk at your grandmother’s house during Christmas. The one with the halitosis who’s all like “get over here, kids!,” which sends you screaming into the basement to hide behind the exercise machines. Or maybe that’s just my family.
9. Burl Ives the Snowman
It’s less that Burl Ives would freeze my vagina off, and more that he looks like a pretentious motherfucker. A pipe? A pocket watch? A fucking banjo? Please.
10. The kid who stuck his tongue to a pole in A Christmas Story
Ok, so even if you’re not boning him all sly-like and fertile-style like Mary Mother of God, you still don’t want to accidentally slip up, and get this idiot’s sperm mixed up in your gene pool.
