You’re all just bitter, toxic a** woman that don’t even deserve to see my backside tattoo, mmmkay?
Oh. My. Gawd. I can’t even stop looking at the front ones and now there’s a back one? I love dat bitch.
Not now, girl. Bite your tongue. I swear, you mention that doctorate in front of her again and I will slap you myself on national television.
And for the last time…it’s not Barbie. It’s Skipper, Barbie’s prettier and much younger sister.
I think the biggest piece of jerky I ever brought home was about this long.
Oh. Hell. Yeah. I gotta get my shizzle on up to Canton.
Move over NeNe Leakes and let Kaya show you how it’s done.
It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion Show this week, and like any good Real Housewives knock-off, everybody knows the good stuff always comes in the second half.
My new favorite Andy Cohen stand-in, Jeff Collins, was still front and center clutching his bootleg Bravo TV flashcards, completely surrounded by the full Mom Platoon.
Seated together in what was either somebody’s living room or the front of a suburban Home Goods store (…Seriously. Pause your DVR and count all the accessories…) everyone was getting used to the format and getting ready to unleash some serious Reunion Part Two ‘tude.
You knew it was going to get good because they were already playing Survivor music before the introductions. Survivor music always means something is about to go down.
Or that somebody is just about to eat something gross.
And since I’m pretty sure no one on Lifetime would eat bug larvae, it was a safe bet that Kaya was probably out back scratching on the inside of a locked Green Room door.
Jeff started right in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and the infamous Mom Dance. Just as terrifying and definitely more ill-fitting than Mom Jeans, the Mom Dance will forever go down in Reality TV history.
For whatever reason, somebody had thought it would be a good idea to shove Melissa, Kelly and Christi out on stage as backup dancers for Cathy’s impromptu, spotlight hogging, loosely choreographed dancing seizure, but neglected to actually teach them how to dance prior to the curtain being raised. The result was three Moms standing around like they were waiting for their carpool while Cathy showed everyone in the audience what Peter Pan might look like on Broadway if a tech guy forgot to strap on the flying harness before showtime. It was Spaztastic.
To paraphrase the Dark Lord…This is your Destiny, young Vivi-Anne.
It was like one of those “25 Years of Dance” things on youtube, but with the kind of sparkly, oddly age inappropriate Mom outfits that you always see drunk women wearing in Ramada lounges.
Cathy supported her decision to steamroll over the other Moms due to their lack of rhythm and inner ear balance, while Abby chastised her for not making it a full blown Carol Burnett sketch.
When Abby actually went so far as to suggest that Cathy should have turned them all into floor mopping maids, Holly had the first of her many WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis faces. Dr. Holly don’t do Maids, thank you.
Holly’s seemingly endless facial expressions were my drinking game of choice during this episode. Love her.
After visually confirming that he was a safe distance from Cathy in case she rabidly lunged for a neck vein, Jeff actually had the kahunas to ask her if she felt that Abby and the ALDC were better than the Candy Apples dancers. Oh oh, SpaghettiOs.
I’ve got to assume that there were either people stationed off-camera with stun guns or the dude’s got some major kahunas, because I think I would have skipped that card and moved on to the next question.
But he went there, causing Cathy to squirm around for a few seconds as though she was sitting on some of that world famous Jerky King product, before finally admitting that Abby’s girls had Star Quality. If Abby had not been weighed down by 75 pounds of silver costume jewelry and 40+ years of bad life choices, you know she would have totally done the Pee Wee Dance right there on that Home Goods table.
Quickly wanting to shift the focus back to how great everything is in Candy Apples Land, Cathy lit into Jill for being a studio hopper and an all around crazy bitch.
After pointing out Jill’s penchant for disguising blatant bribery with Hallmark gift tags and big colorful bows, Cathy even managed to sneak in a slam at Jill’s new, and still not quite under control Barbie coiffure, which kind of offended Kelly, because she likes being the one with crazy hair.
Moving on, Jeff wanted to get to the root of the whole Abby vs. Kelly conflict. Why do they fight so much? Given their history (…Kelly started with Abby at 2 1/2 years old…) wassup wid all dis tension? Inquiring minds want to know.
Ok. Let’s just break this thing down.
You know how when you try to picture someone when they were much younger, like all the way back in junior high school or earlier, but all you have to really reference them is nowadays? So you just picture them as they are now, but wearing Brady Bunch clothes instead?
Yeah. I did that. And it wasn’t pretty.
When Kelly claimed that back in ancient history Abby had liked a boy who liked Kelly instead…well…whoa. Flashback music, please.
I pictured the cafetorium dances, the fights by the lockers and young Kelly holding hands with some football jock every time they passed a giant Baby Abby in the hallway before Study Hall.
Baby Abby. Baby Huey. Whatevs. Just stick a headband on it and you know what I’m talking about. I totally made up the last 40 years of Dance Moms history and it was brilliant. Someday I may even share it with all of you.
Abby denied the love triangle and blamed it all on Kelly’s parents not pushing her to be anything more than mediocre, which appeared to have been passed down through the genetic DNA chain into Kelly’s bloodstream, resulting in her own children just coasting through life.
Then it was 5 minutes of seeing how many ways they could both use the words “Encouragement” and “Click” in a sentence before Jeff lost interest.
Brooke may or may not want to dance anymore. Paige is ok with being just ok. Or is she? Or does she? And what’s with Paige’s hair? Don’t make me keep asking. And why does Kelly feel that being just ok is ok enough?
Jeff didn’t really solve anything, but it gave Abby and Kelly plenty of time to scream and bitch and talk over each other while Holly made some delightful faces. (Watch out Christi…The Doctor is moving in on your turf.)
Abby made sure to sneak in a few drinking in the parking lot jabs at Kelly’s expense, while Kelly compared Abby’s world to the Mob where you can’t ever seem to get out and stay out.
And then in this Ring, we have Melissa vs. Christi.
Turned out that they also have a history. But the Melissa/Christi backstory is apparently sealed in a government file somewhere with strict stipulations that they never discuss it in public.
Gah. That drives me boinkers.
How much did you hate that kid in school who said he had a secret, but couldn’t tell you.
Seriously. Then why freakin’ bring it up? Just to make me insane?
They both confirmed that their animosity stemmed from years and years ago, and that they had both “done things” to each other. What does that even mean?
I swear Mr. Collins, if there is not a Dance Moms prequel by next fall I’m sending Kaya after your scent. Look at how successful the Wolverine X-Men movie was in theaters.
And speaking of Kaya picking up your scent…
Black Patsy was in the hizzle.
The poor man’s NeNe stormed the set decked out in Sassy Mall animal print, complete with that black rose from Claire’s still in her hair and a coordinating F*** you up attitude.
I need to rewind to verify, but I’m pretty certain Kaya started in on everyone before her junk even hit the guest chair.
With a slowly sinking Cathy looking like a hostage trapped between Holly and Kaya, the whole Women of Color thing started up again and it was Classic Housewives. It was like I sat on my remote and it just kept flipping from Bravo to VH1 to Animal Planet over and over and over again until I figured out what was happening.
Kaya called out everyone as Haters. She had heard all the whispers. The whole baby at 16 gossip. The lesbian gossip. You’re a bitch. And you’re a bitch. You’re all bitches!
Bitter, toxic a** bitches!
It was Oprah from the ‘hood.
And where exactly IS this ‘hood that everyone keeps screaming about? Everyone is always swearing they’re from the ‘hood, or taking you to the ‘hood to mess you up, or going to the ‘hood and never being heard from again. Where is it? I put it in my GPS and it didn’t take me anywhere. This might require some more research.
Roadtrip anyone? I’ll buy the snacks.
With a little trickle of sweat running down the back of his sportcoat, Jeff explained that he would never dream of calling Kaya “Black Patsy” even though she seemed to be down wid it.
“Crazy A** Lady with the Boob Tattoo” maybe, but never ”Black Patsy”. That ain’t right.
Kaya proudly stated she would throw down anywhere, anytime if the situation required some fist to face action, which caused Jeff to scoot his chair back a little bit and Abby to spin her Ninja Star ring around a few times. Christi was singled out amongst all the Moms as being the most fake by Kaya, and then their whole You’re a Bitch OhHellNo You’re a Bitch confrontation was replayed about 10 times.
Or maybe they were all different scenes. It was hard to tell. Kaya was poppin’ off in all of them and I didn’t have a pen to keep track. Girlfriend will cut you. That much I figured out on my own.
She tried again to rally Holly to the Cause, which forced Holly to once again explain the difference between a Get Out Of Jail card and a Pass and…well…you knew where this one was going. Kaya felt betrayed by her Sister Holly and the whole Women of Color thing. Again.
Jill jumped onto the pig pile and didn’t quite know how to respond when Kaya complimented her on having a nice bedonkadonk. For a white girl, anyway.
It got weird.
When Jill claimed that they were not even sure if lesbianism was legit (…in Kaya’s case, not as a Lifestyle. Duh. No hate mail, please. Read before you React…) Kaya pointed out that her lover’s name or face or something was tattooed back there somewhere if anyone was interested in solving the mystery.
Thanks, but I’ll take one of Holly’s passes right about now.
Don’t get me wrong. I love me some Kaya. Crazier the better. But seeing her get all head bobbly in a room full of Dance Moms almost felt like she had walked into the wrong studio. Where my girls at?
Before Kaya headed off stage to to decompress and slap a few camera guys, Jeff allowed her to go around the room one by one, picking off Moms like she was skeet shooting at a street fair.
She thought Cathy was a blast, and that Kelly was White Patsy. Yeah. She said that.
Between Kaya telling Holly to embrace her ethnicity and getting all up in Christi’s face again, I think Jeff may have regretted giving her that one last opportunity to let loose. It was definitely good for ratings, but not so much for anyone who had to walk alone through the parking lot after taping was over.
Don’t axe me why he did that. Really. Don’t axe.
(And don’t get me started on that linguistic pet peeve. Trust me. You do NOT want my opinion on that one.)
We finished off with some low key, warm & fuzzy family time.
All the kids joined the Moms in a tight squeeze couch moment to relive the last two seasons and let us in on what their goals were for the future. Even googly Vivi-Anne was there, though she basically just sat around wondering why no one had picked her up and carried her off set yet.
I swear that kid must sleep in sparkly eye liner.
All the girls got giggly stage fright when Fake Andy spun the cameras and the questions in their direction. It was cute, and a reminder that they really are just kids who like to dance.
Maddie got all red faced when boys were brought up, and MackAttack almost swallowed her gum she was so shy.
Diva Nia had some monster Lion King hair going on that almost covered up Holly’s face, and I swear Chloe grew another inch during the last scene. Check it out in slow mo.
Brooke and Paige are still in limbo for next year (…as if…) until Kelly decides their fate.
Kendall had a really smart answer to Jeff’s question regarding who she would love to dance with…dead or alive. Michael Jackson. Good call. Mom was impressed.
Vivi-Anne…well…just Vivi-Anne. It is what it is.
And then it was over.
No more Dance Moms for now. And Dance Moms: Miami isn’t coming back.
I’m not sure I’m going to make it until the Pageant Moms return, because it hasn’t even been 12 hours and I’m already having Crazy Mom withdrawal.
I need my cray cray.
Don’t axe me why. I just do.
