Imma need you to speak up a little. I can’t hear you over all the sweet bling on my iPhone case.
This is the most ratchet Target I’ve ever seen. They don’t even have the grocery store part.
How the #@!! does this stupid thing even work? Is it like a refrigerator door?
“Nationals.”
Oh, look. A head wrap. You might wanna get my agent on your crazy phone before I lose it.
#NoMorePigtails.
Imma let you finish, but that was one of the most F*** Up emcee jobs of all time. Gimme dat…
#Push.
Finally.
Nationals.
Snuck right up on you, right?
It’s been a long, stressful journey to the finish line. I don’t need to tell anybody that.
The Road To Nationals was fraught with screaming, crying, competing, quitting and then not-quitting, quitting and coming back, breakdowns, meltdowns, construction delays and enough frequent flier miles to transport all of us to the moon and back at least two times with no additional charge for carry-ons.
Not to mention that somehow there was still enough time to pet a few koala bears, launch two new pop stars into the TweenieVerse and for Kira Girard to get herself pregnant.
Yup. It was a busy year on Dance Moms.
And now it all comes down to the Center Stage 2015 Nationals.
But no Drinking Game this week. Sorry.
I don’t want our younger readers to think that’s all the grownups do during this show.
Because that would be wrong. Pretty close to the truth. But still wrong.
And it wouldn’t be physically possible. Or safe.
Let’s be real. If you took a shot every time you heard the word ‘Nationals’ this week you wouldn’t have even made it through the “Previously on Dance Moms” and “Coming Up on Dance Moms” loop that ran before the opening credits. Nationals: Rinse & Repeat.
And no more photos of Abby in her bra, either. I don’t even want to see that again.
Which brings us to the new ALDCLA studio space, which was a flurry of activity.
Abby Lee Miller was prepping the final Pyramid of Shame. The Moms were clearly celebrating Black & White Outfit Day. And the mysterious, never-seen construction crew was in the midst of another union-related work stoppage because that freakin’ place still wasn’t finished. How is that even possible?
With only 15 top spot wins in 25 competition weeks, Abby pointed out that those were not the kind of odds you’d want if you were going to bet on your pony down at the race track.
Side note: The Big Money is actually on the big horses, not ponies. Granted, you can still see pony racing at a few locations and on the State Fair Circuit. And it is kind of funny to watch because from far away they look like a bunch of dachsunds just running in circles they’re so tiny. But if you’re looking for that Trump Check…go for the big dawgs.
The More You Know.
My MomCrush Jill was concerned that Abby’s recent erratic behavior might somehow negatively effect the team’s chances of winning their fifth straight First Place title at Nationals. Mama V is pretty smart that way (…Spoiler alert: Later in the episode she even does math…) but she was willing to give Abby the benefit of the doubt. For now.
Jessalynn, on the other hand, wasn’t sure Abby even realized that her studio wasn’t completed. Jess is a straight up hoot and should immediately be given her own spin-off to fill the void during the upcoming hiatus months. Who do I call?
Assuming the place actually had a roof by Saturday, the Grand Opening of the ALDCLA Studio was scheduled for the same weekend as Nationals.
I know, right? What could possibly go wrong?
Except everything, maybe?
Not to mention that they would once again be going up against Jeanette Cota and her team of top notch dancers, who had finally secured the proper notarized documentation to legally change their name from Candy Apples to Broadway Dance Academy.
Wait. What?
I miss Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her army of Apple Cores.
Especially this little nugget.
Sing it with me: Don’t tug on Superman’s cape. Don’t spit into the wind. Don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger. And don’t ever call Jo Morales‘ kid a pissy little bitch.
Trust me. She handled it. Love her.
JoJo, Mackenzie and Kendall were all on the bottom row of the Pyramid, while Kalani and Maddie held down the Mezzanine.
Which meant that The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the top!!
AAAAAAND scored a solo at Nationals!
Her first one! Ever!
After some discussion, of course.
Kira took issue with last week’s child judges and felt that scented markers and sparkle pens didn’t make for legitimate score sheets. She thought Kalani should have a solo.
Holly felt Nia should have a solo. Jill felt that Kira should just be quiet and have a seat, but since Kalani’s Mom was already plopped down in that white pregnancy/dental hygienist’s chair, Jill’s arguments against her were pretty much invalid before she even started. And who only has one chair delivered at a time, anyway? Wouldn’t it be more cost effective to get them all on the same truck?
This show. I swear.
Long story short, you also don’t mess with MamaBear Frazier. Here’s you solo, honey.
Maddie scored the other solo, which didn’t surprise anyone. And the group routine, entitled ‘The Waiting Room,’ sounded pretty depressing.
We also got a quick flashback to the last four winning National routines, including fan favorites ‘The Last Text’ and ‘Amber Alert,’ which made me realize how tiny those Hyland kids and Chlobird and the remaining Original Recipe niblets were when this show started.
I mean…pipsqueaks.
So cute, tho.
True Fact: They’re all sitting on the floor because Mackenzie couldn’t walk yet and they didn’t want to make her feel bad. I swear. I totally Googled it on a made-up website.
As the now grown up (…too soon…) girls got to rehearsing, we scooted down the block to check in on Jeanette and her Broadway Candy Academy Company or whatever it’s called now. Needless to say, the group routine was going to be a direct attack on Abby again, utilizing bullseye targets and sassy attitudes.
The ‘Myth of the Mermaid’ solo spot was going to Ava. Because, you know…Ava.
Abby Grudge: Jeanette rehashed the whole Skinny Girl Cocktail Praying Mantis leg thing and took the opportunity to focus Camera #1 on Chloe #2‘s ears one more time.
And wind sheer is really only an issue if you’re a skydiver or the Flying Nun. She’ll be just fine if she sticks to pirouettes. Plus, her Mom is feisty and I like that.
Back at the ALDCLA, the girls were working through the hospital waiting room theme of the group dance. They even had a long row of those airport chairs that are always connected together and placed 6 inches too far from the nearest wall outlet.
Is it just me? I hope operating rooms have better access to electricity than I do when my cell battery goes into the Red Zone. It’s 2015 people. Install some plugs or have your planes take off on time.
Did I mention that Abby took off to buy flooring? Because she did. Just like last week when she took off to buy flooring. She’s either buying a s*** load of Lumber Liquidator planks or that place is only open one hour a day. Jill was not happy and immediately subtracted 1 from 365 to prove that Abby had 364 other days this year that she could have gone shopping.
Vertes Math.
With two days to go, Gianna and her ombré tips took charge of the rehearsals as the Moms went next door for vegan smoothies and whatever else was listed on that gigantic window menu. That place certainly has quite an array of snacks for a place that just opened. Please tell me you saw that gigantic bowl of chips the Moms were noshing on.
Baby Mackenzie would so jealous. She’d rather eat chips than dance.
C’mon. Is there anyone out there besides me who doesn’t have Holly’s phone number on speed dial by now? And you see that new case? How can she even hear it ring under all that bling? I can’t imagine what’ll happen the next time Mikey Minden calls, because I don’t think even a new iPhone 6 right out of the box can handle that much Faaaabulous happening on the exterior and interior at the same time.
Because Mikey is Faaaabulous, you know.
Side note: Check it out. Holly holds the phone like a Real Housewife now. You know she never did that when she was a principal, because they just don’t do that. But look at her now. You go, girl. Tell NeNe who gon’ check you, Boo.
Mad love for Mama Frazier. Can’t wait for her Oprah 2.0 talk show to premiere.
Somewhere around here was also when Melissa stated that Maddie was the most famous 12 year old in the country, which could be true or nah. I dunno. Holly’s cellphone gave me such a headache that I forget what happened next.
Back inside the studio, Melissa tried to coax Maddie’s emotions to the surface during her solo rehearsal by asking her to remember the first person she ever knew who died.
Which made her think of Abby’s Mom, Maryann Lorraine Miller. Which then made her ugly cry and go hug Abby while Kendall photobombed the shot.
I swear.
Melissa had clearly never seen anything so beautiful, because after she was done walking around like she was with the band…
Do kids still use those? I bet they’re not metal anymore.
Wilson Phillips even showed up at the event just to skew the age demographics and get Carnie Wilson one step closer to her goal of being on every single Reality Television show in the history of Reality Television shows.
Side note: OMG. Austin Mahone just broke up with Becky G after like two months of dating. And you didn’t think I knew what the kids were up to nowadays. Gurrrl, pleez.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Red Bottom Louboutins and not much else. Nationals, baby.
Backstage, Maddie was running through her number while Nia got strapped into yet another head wrap. Just like the one she wore last week. And the week before. And every week prior except for that one week when Abby made her wear an afro.
LaQuifa What?
Jeanette and her mermaid daughter walked into the room for some reason, too. Probably because it’s Dance Moms. And we don’t lock our doors.
Nia and her head wrap were first to hit the stage. She nailed it, even when the music skipped ahead 30 seconds due to some blip in the Time Space Continuum.
Next up was Ava and her mermaid performance. I swear she gets taller every time she dances, just like Chloe used to do. Her splits in the air are ridiculous. So good.
This week Ava even got her own confessional headshot for the first time. And head shots are way cooler than ALDC track jackets sometimes. Look at how different she looks with long hair when she’s not doing those ridiculously amazing splits 10 feet up in the air.
But not until Abby popped up in her own head shot confessional wearing an outfit that I swore I had seen somewhere before, but couldn’t place…
Backstage, Abby once again hugged the air out of Maddie’s lungs while forgetting that Nia had even performed on the same stage. I think she may have acknowledged her performance eventually, but by then I was probably too distracted by Mackenzie wearing pigtails…AGAIN…and couldn’t fully appreciate the moment.
Pigtails and Head Wraps. And Drugs. Just Say No.
Both group routines were powerful and well executed. The Broadway Apple Dumpling Dance Academy flung that bullseye around like sharpshooters while the ALDC did everything but cut off Mackenzie’s pigtails in the Emergency Room. Maybe next time.
And then the Awards were handed out and it all went downhill. At warp speed, Captain.
The emcee was some big guy in a white tuxedo who looked like the waiter who always gets killed first in a Sopranos mob hit. I think this was his first gig, because he kept boning everything even though he had a script right there in his hands.
Nia took Second Place in the Teen Division, which was still amazeballs, given the amount of time she had to rehearse and the fact that she was wearing another head wrap. But who really cares when your videos are melting youtube.
Then some person took First Place. And then the same person won again in the Junior Division. And then the waiter/emcee took her trophy back. And then Abby lost her noodle. And then Melissa lost her noodle because she was sitting too close to Abby when she lost her own noodle.
Imagine how it all went down by the time Maddie came in second to Ava and the whole Waiting Room Dance flatlined at Second Place.
What is this? We need to walk out.
Abby. Went. Crazy. Pants.
Crazy. Stretch. Pants.
She started asking the ENTIRE audience if they paid to get in the building. And if they did, they needed to ask for their money back. It was fixed. It was a mess. She even motioned for the girls to exit the stage before the awards were over so they could all run out of the building like she just smelled smoke in the theater.
What the what was happening?
Everyone was running in every direction like I don’t know what. Abby was so hysterical she couldn’t even figure out how to open the auditorium’s back door that was clearly marked with an EXIT sign and a gigantic push bar.
Bonus points to Gianna for just walking past her with her Louis bag and hitting the road.
One more second and I swear Abby was gonna go through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.
Or this Muppet guy. But in the other direction.
Holly didn’t even know what to say. For a few minutes, anyway.
Then she had plenty to say.
Because they did.
And then it was over.
For the day. And the season. And maybe for who knows how long. This kind of chaos could have some serious repercussions in the Hollywood Hills. With a new business that’s barely 12 hours old and a team in shambles, it’s anyone’s guess what lies ahead for the ALDC.
Maybe we’ll find out next week on The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh.
For now, take a deep breath. We made it.
Nationals are over.
See you at the Reunion.
