Because wearing fur keeps me warm and makes me feel like Joan Collins. Are we really having this discussion again?
OMG. Shut. Up. It’s Abby and Melissa. You tweet it and I’ll totally put it on my kid’s Instagram. Totes McGotes.
Lawd have mercy. What the hell is happening on the top of this crazy bitch’s head?
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry…I swear to Gawd I thought this was The Price Is Right.
Honey, Imma need you to work thru the pain while Chloe’s Mom horndogs an EMT or two, ‘kay?
Two. Boom. Done.
I can’t explain it, but something about all this new hair just makes me wanna sing like Whitney.
That’s right.
Everyone’s Replaceable. Eventually, anyway.
After we hold the threat over your head for at least a month or two, that is.
Then you should probably start watching your back.
Dance Moms returned this week with more job insecurity than you hear about on CNN money reports as Abby Lee Miller (…finally…) unleashed the first of her Open Audition cattle calls to find The Next Big Thing.
After threatening to boot everyone but the makeup guy off her show for the last three seasons it was actually time to start looking for some fresh meat for the ALDC.
Because…say it with me: Everyone’s Replaceable.
But not until we unveil the latest Pyramid of Shame and talk about whatever was going on with Melissa‘s new floral pants. Because you know the (…fashion…) rules.
The gang hadn’t even made it past the parking lot potholes and the internet was already buzzing about Girlfriend’s butt-to-toe screen print jegging/legging/body paint.
Oh, Mel. Love you. Mean it. But sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses.
And sometimes you need to walk right past that rack at Forever 21 and realize it’s just the name of a store and not a reality. Smell ‘em. Don’t wear ‘em.
And Leslie was back. Again.
Even after being publicly humiliated at the last competition (…”No, YOU shut up”…) and storming out of the makeup room, she was back. With a vengeance. And right up at the front desk trying to schmooze her way into the building as Jill cut in line and slipped Abby what at first appeared to be one of those tiny crack cocaine pouch bags they always show as evidence on CSI.
False Alarm, though. It turned out to only be a gift of silver hoop earrings with a very low street value, so the whole drug thing was my bad. Jill’s clean.
Nothing to see here except brown nosing, people. Keep it moving.
As Abby began the Pyramid Reveal, she prefaced it with another Open Audition threat.
Except this time, the s*** was getting Real.
This week they would all be headed to Orlando for the In10sity Dance Competition. And the first round in the hunt for new dancers. Because, you know. The whole Everybody’s Replaceable thing.
So it was Game On.
Except for Maddie and Mackenzie, of course, who would be going down to Orlando earlier than the rest of the team to help Miss Abby run the auditions. Because apparently the Ziegler girls are really good at special event logistics.
I know, right? Who knew?
Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Payton, Kendall, Nia and Paige. Payton was down there because her Mom wouldn’t shut up about it. Kendall was down there because she performed out of numerical sequence last week and wobbled during her solo. And now her Mom wouldn’t shut up about it. Paige was just kinda down there. Period.
Nia had one or two technical issues, but it’s the International Year of the Nia…so you just wait. Mama didn’t get no makeover just to watch her baby sit in the basement, mmmkay?
The Pyramid Mezzanine was loaded up with Mackenzie, Brooke and Chloe. Again, mainly so Maddie could be on top.
And how about Payton’s fake applause when Maddie was announced as Top O’ The Heap again this week? Did you see that? It was a-maz-ing. Ackerman was literally either scratching her palm or giving Maddie THE weakest Mean Girl finger tip tap clap evah.
Meeeeow.
I’m totally stealing it for next week’s sales meeting when they announce all those top performers that I hate so much.
Go team. Tap. Now where are those donuts I keep hearing about?
Maddie and Mackenzie scored this week’s solos. Brooke, Paige and Chloe were handed a See No Evil Speak No Evil Hear No Evil trio routine that was going to be part monkey/part boogie-woogie Andrews Sisters with Brooke as the lead monkey singer.
(Google it or ask your parents, kids. I’m not calling her a monkey. I’m referencing an old photo of three monkeys and now realizing that this joke is not worth the effort involved.)
And finally, the group dance was all about smelling like Team Spirit.
Until you get cut from the Team, anyway. So take a big whiff now, cuz you never know.
As they headed into rehearsals, Abby asked all the Moms to tweet about the upcoming Open Auditions while they were upstairs picking on each other. Clearly every one of these Moms knows how to work a cellphone at warp speed, but apparently Dr. Beyoncé’s Sidekick is the only one with a calculator because Holly did some quick Doctorate Math and realized that tweeting out the Auditions amounted to a Craigslist post looking to replace your own kid in the family photo. I don’t think so. No, ma’am. Not doing it.
Abby commended Holly for being the only one in the room smart enough to figure that scam out so quickly and then asked Melissa to immediately start tweeting, which in an odd kind of way implied that Melissa wasn’t very smart. Or maybe that was just my interpretation of the events.
As the Moms all hit the MomPerch and began debating how Kendall and Chloe could have possibly been swapped out of order in last week’s competition, Abby remained in the studio to work on making Mackenzie her bitch. And hopefully slipping in some choreography between foot rubs.
Because that totally happened. Nice socks, by the way.
And now that you mention Mack. I’m still not sure what age is actually listed on Mackenzie’s drivers license. Sometimes she seems like she’s 6 years old, rolling all over the floor in a sugar buzz and then sometimes she goes all youtube Glamazon giving Duck Face Realness on her Pyramid headshot.
One minute Abby is talking about how she wants to take Mack down into the ALDC Underground Laboratory and turn her into a Maddie Clone and then the next minute she’s sticking another one of those damn cutie patootie hair bows on her head. So I have no idea what’s going on with that kid. She may have to lay on her belly and kick her legs back and forth a few more times before I really get a handle on where she’s headed in her dance career.
The trio rehearsal got all the Moms excited. Especially Jill, who saw the old fashioned radio microphone stand come out and wanted in on some of that action right now. There was some discussion on whether or not Abby was just trying to take credit for Brooke’s current dream of pop stardom, but honestly, whenever Jill starts doing her shimmy shimmy cocoa puff I get such a bad case of Vertes Vertigo that I don’t even know what’s happening. Call me when you want to hit the klubz, gurrrrl.
It should also be noted that Leslie was trying to fit in with the Moms a little better by rocking a Bump-It, but she had it all the way in the front of her hair instead of in the back the way they show it on the commercial. Not sure what that was all about, but I know Holly was dying to touch it. Because that’s kind of her thing now.
Then it was Open Audition Time! So You Think You Can Dance: Pee Wee Edition.
At first I thought it was just lost footage from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition (…you know how they love to cross promote the krap out of these shows…) since there were a bunch of random dancers from this past season jumping around the stage. I’m pretty sure I saw Honey Bow Bow Child and WhatsHerName that was always afraid of her own shadow colliding with an auditorium full of new fresh and juicy lunacy.
And speaking of. You know that spray you can buy at Petco that keeps cats from peeing on your bushes? The one that drives them all into your neighbor’s yard instead? I swear that Lifetime has the opposite of that in their production booth toolboxes somewhere, because with one quick hit of KrazySpray that auditorium was stampeded by wannabe dancers and their nutty Moms.
All wide eyed and rocking those big sticky game show name tags, kid after kid tried to keep up with Maddie’s lead as Mom after Mom melted down in their seats. They were standing up. They were sitting down. They were standing back up again. They were yelling at Abby. They were begging for second chances. They were ugly crying.
Seriously. Melissa even had to go over and talk one of the Moms off a ledge she was so devastated by the outcome. Mama Drama. To Infinity and Beyond.
But how cute was that first little kid in the first big rehearsal? Did you see her? She clearly just learned to walk last week and had no idea what was happening. I’m pretty sure she still had a soft spot in her head she was such a baby. Cute times a billion.
It was Madness, I tell you.
There were Studio Hoppers, Booty Poppers and Name Droppers. There was even one Dad who was so clearly duped into thinking this was going to be a Monster Truck Rally that he just sat there chewing his gum hard enough to give me a headache. Suckah.
Somehow, between all the crying and yelling, Abby managed to find a handful of dancers who made it through the audition without poking their own eyes out and they all got an ALDC pass. Stay tuned.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Jill and Kendall were late. Apparently Jill hadn’t learned her lesson after the last family vacation and decided to attend one of her other daughter’s events instead of getting on an early flight. In the Dance World you’re either supposed to pick favorites or be better at managing your iPhone calendar.
As for the staging, someone wise once told me to never skimp on lighting.
And they didn’t.
Holy solar flare, Batman. I’m pretty sure they used the same heat lamps they use above those rolling wieners in the 7-11 convenience store hot dog case. In an attempt at bringing in a bigger male viewership they also had one judge with an especially low cut top who probably scored a Perfect 10 from the Hooter’s panel.
The show doesn’t always have to be on the stage, kids. Remember that.
Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo. Of course she won.
Mackenzie went back to her cutie pie roots and acrobatted (…is that even a word?…) herself around the stage like a preemie Sonic waitress. She won, too, even though Abby was quick to point out that she’s still not Maddie.
The trio did their best RuPaul drag queen Lip Sync For Your Life but only came in 2nd Place. Which was not First Place. Yikes.
And then Payton fell down. Hard.
Somehow she either tripped on a chair backstage or over Kendall’s big foot or ran into one of those air pockets that make JetBlue planes lurch to the side. It wasn’t really clear, since we got two stories almost as soon as she hit the ground. Regardless, the moral of the story is that Payton can do backflips and pointe shoe spins but can’t walk a straight line.
Gianna: Payton fell. Something snapped. Leslie: Who? Abby: Payton…your daughter. You remember her, right? Leslie: OhMyGod! Abby: Shut Up, Leslie.
Suddenly, all these muscled up EMT dudes burst through the backstage doors like it was somebody’s Bachelorette party. I really thought one of them was going to be holding a boom box and the whole thing was just a staged fake out to get strippers past security.
Christi immediately pulled her top off and pretended that she was the one with the broken foot while Abby’s tongue fell out of her mouth so far that you could swab it for Strep.
And I’m not even making up most of that. Not a pretty look, ladies.
It was panic. The girls had to quickly re-block the group number. Holly kept Payton from completely losing her nutty on the stretcher while Christi put on more lip gloss…just in case. Because you never know.
As the Chippendales van drove away, the group hit the stage and still somehow managed a First Place showing without the big tall hole that Payton usually fills.
There was also what appeared to be an unconscious kid laying in his Mom’s lap in the audience during awards, but the ambulance had already left the building so he wasn’t going anywhere.
It totally reminded me of Toddlers & Tiaras crownings when all the kids hit that Pixie Stix Wall and crash at the end of the night. I miss that show.
And then it was over.
Nobody got booted off the Team.
At least not yet.
But I hear that Everyone’s Replaceable.
