Here you go, Sparky. I just need you to keep the tags on in case you go crazy pants on me again.
She was all up in my face and that nasty perfume Jill keeps buying her was burning my eyes.
Like I’ve only been Holly’s BFF for 12 minutes and she already flat ironed my bangs. Besties!
I wasn’t even paying attention, but doing a Manicure Dance sounds awesome. I hope it’s Acro-crylic.
Srsly. My life, tho.
Mommy loves you, Baby. But nobody touches my hair when it’s on point. You know the rules.
This is why I quit doing the windows at Macy’s. These things weigh a ton.
With apologies to Billy Joel, of course.
It comes down to reality (…TV…)
And it’s fine with me ’cause I’ve let it slide.
Don’t care if it’s Chinatown or on the Riverside. Or even Philly, actually.
I’m in a New York Dance Experience State of Mind.
Or outta my mind, maybe.
That would depend on which Dance Mom you talk to, I guess.
After getting back some of their post-Hollywood mojo and unleashing a beatdown on the Candy Apples last week, Abby Lee Miller and Company were ready to see if lightening could strike twice with a trip to the New York Dance Experience competition in beautiful downtown Philadelphia. Because Philly ain’t just for cream cheese anymore.
Apparently, due to its proximity to NYC, Philadelphia is now crawling with Broadway wannabes who like their critiques LIVE and instantaneous. At least according to Abby, anyway, because that’s how this latest event was going to work the score sheets.
You dance. And then you stand there while the judges give you tough love.
Yikes.
Clearly, the team was going to have to be on their A Game for this one. Maybe even their A Plus Game. But not before the Pyramid of Shame.
Because rules are rules.
As everyone stampeded into the studio, it was clear that there was still a division between the Moms. But why?
Holly blamed it on Jill and Melissa‘s lack of support and for them not having her back when it came to all the seemingly endless conflicts with Abby. Kira blamed Jill and Melissa because of that time Jill swore at her and she misinterpreted it as talking s*** about her kid, I think. I forget exactly how it all went down. But there was definitely a lot of bleeping during that conversation. And something about credit fraud.
I remember that part.
Jessalynn blamed Jill and Melissa because somehow between the end of last week’s episode and the opening credits for this week she had become Holly’s new BFF.
F’realz. They were like totes Besties now. OMG. And I was like so jealz.
Personally, I blame MattyB, because nobody should be that young and that famous. He literally tore apart three friendships and his hair didn’t even move. That ain’t rite.
As everyone fell into position, each girl carried in one of those 5 x 7 note cards that my boy Andy Cohen always holds during Real Housewives Reunion Shows and I got myself a little worked up that Teresa Giudice had somehow broken out of prison and was hiding out in Pittsburgh. Because that would have been awesome.
Psych.
Abby had just assigned everyone homework. And the class was Freshman Hazing 101.
Suddenly, it was Rush Week at the ALDCFU Sorority as each girl read something good and something bad about Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo until she cried. And I’m not making that up. And I make up a lot of stuff.
There was even a CNN satellite truck stuck in one of the potholes outside the building, getting ready to break into the broadcast with another story on how out of control the Greek system is on our college campuses today. But they couldn’t.
Because of the potholes. Five seasons later.
But all the emotional scarring was worth it in the end when Abby announced that BowBowJoJo was finally, officially (…albeit kinda sorta temporarily…) a member of the ALDC Team! Really? Now way. Way. Really.
Come on down and get your track jacket, you crazy NutJob!
The sacred jacket. I swear. That’s what Abby called it.
I don’t know what makes it sacred. Or how sacred it really is, but I’m going to assume it’s somewhere between that religious Shroud on CNN and the eBay potato chip that looks like Elvis Presley.
Side note: What are the chances that Dance Moms and CNN would both be on the same cutting edge when it comes to story lines lately? That’s two Breaking News Bulletins already and we haven’t even revealed the Pyramid.
Which was just a straight line with Maddie‘s picture on top, BTW. So there you go.
This week Maddie, Kendall and Nia all scored solos. Maddie was going to be a mannequin. Kendall was going to dance like that lady with the big hat who dragged her steamer trunks up the loading ramp onto the Titanic and Nia was going to place in the Top Five with her ‘Color Purple’ routine or never get a solo again. Because Abby said so.
Poor Sasha. She just can’t cut a break with that lady lately.
I’m thinking that Nia is the new Chloe. Who was the new Paige. Who was the new Brooke. Abby always seems to need at least one chew toy to gnaw on each season.
Golly, I miss those Hyland kids. (Hey, girls! Give your Mom a slap for me.)
Kidding. Kidding. Is that lawsuit even still going on? I don’t get home in time to watch TMZ anymore. Violence is never the answer, kids, but it would probably be ok if you wanted to put that iconic backroom slap into the Time Capsule with Teresa Giudice flipping a restaurant table and a couple episodes of the Maury Show.
The Circle of Life. See what I did there?
The group dance was going to be a a ‘Decadent Darlings’ 1920s Musical Theater period piece. Abby was so sick and tired of all the Moms asking for something besides Lyrical that she was willing to give up a guaranteed First Place spot this week by throwing in choreography that was out of everyone’s comfort zone just to prove a point.
The point being: It’s Abby’s name on the outside of the building and don’tchoo fergit it.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: My MomCrush was on fiyah. Easily a Top Three Bump-It week. And don’t even get me started on her winter white Lost In Space vest.
Danger, Will Robinson. Hot Stuff Ahead.
While the girls rehearsed their respective routines, Holly, Kira and Jessalyn had a private three-way Pinky Swear Moment up in the MomPerch as they united in their newly formed friendship. Jessalynn called it a ‘pact’ which was a little too Summer Camp for me, but I could see where she was going with that one. Unfortunately, when Jill and Melissa got wind of the newly formed Three Musketeers they were not big fans.
It’s always sad to see long term friendships get a little wobbly, but I’m still holding out hope that everyone hugs it out sooner than later because the last thing I want to end up doing is sitting in dead silence between Holly and Jill in some restaurant when they finally come to Boston and take me to lunch. Which they totally better be planning while they’re laying around on some beach in Australia right now.
I mean, seriously. Expense it to Lifetime. They’ll never know.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference: Yup. There was one of those.
Kendall’s rehearsal went well, despite Abby barking at her the entire time as she tried to maneuver around a pile of suitcases like one of those military guys who rappel down the side of a building to rescue hostages.
Sit. Fan. Rinse. Spit. Duck. Cover. Roll. Attitude.
A lot of things to remember if you ask me.
Nia, on the other hand, got the even shorter end of the stick. Again.
Abby was having a hard time letting go of the whole Hollywood MattyB music video thing (…See? Told you so. I called it…) and was using her personal issues with Holly to try and drag Nia down even further than the last time she tried to drag her down.
But Nia was strong. She’s not that little 3 year old baby anymore, lady. She was mature and respectful and asked Abby why she couldn’t keep the Mama Drama separate from the dancing. Good question.
Abby doesn’t like sneaky people and liars. Or murderers, which was an oddly uncomfortable comparison given that Nia only cut a single, not someone’s throat.
But Abby doesn’t like sneaky people. Or liars. Or axe murderers. Nia, on the other hand, doesn’t really like getting yelled at by Abby.
And I don’t like people who don’t buy Nia’s new iTunes single, which you can totally download right here if you want to stay on my good side. Because you know how I get.
But I digress.
Outside in the hallway, Holly and Nia had a heart to heart discussion. It was clear that Nia was not going to be broken down by a mean spirited dance teacher and that Holly’s hair looked pretty amazing considering how stress usually makes everything go whacky.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And finally, that little screaming girl with the gigantic hair bow wasn’t spliced into the scene again going completely bonkers in the crowd. Nice we could give that clip a week’s rest.
Side note: Please refer to last week’s recap if you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. That way you can quench your thirst for knowledge and I can get more Google hits like Perez Hilton. Cuz watch your back, dude. I’m coming for you.
But there were still plenty of screaming kids, don’t you worry. It’s just that this time they were precariously perched on a moving mall escalator instead of a flat sidewalk. So much for holding the railing and looking straight ahead like the yellow sign says.
I’m surprised they weren’t trying to bring strollers down the hill with overstuffed H&M bags on top of their babies’ heads. Because they do that, you know. With their white Sidekicks wedged between their left ear and shoulder so they can dip Auntie Anne’s pretzel sticks into hot mustard with their free hand.
I know, right? Working retail through college really made me a People Person.
Rachel Rak Alert: The “Sas” is back!
Over the top and out of her chair, everyone’s favorite judge from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back to smile, whip her hair, bite the apple and get all Flashdance on everyone’s a** just like she did when she used to sit next to Richy Jackson.
Once a judge, always a judge I guess.
For old time’s sake, I gave her two finger waves and a head snap since Richy was apparently too busy doing GagaStuff to be bothered with showing up in Pennsylvania this week. There was also some hip hop guy and a woman who looked like that lady from Florence and the Machine, but all that really mattered was that The Sas Was Back and throwing sparkly attitude straight into everyone’s unprotected eyes.
According to the rules, after each dance, a woman who I believe does the weather on Philly FOX29 was going to come out and ask the judges for their input. The judges would then talk into a microphone that looked exactly like those beer hoses that come out of a keg, so I don’t really now what was going on under that table to be honest.
But Rachel was liking it. A lot.
Nia was first up with her solo and got amazing notes from the judges. Maddie and Kendall followed and actually received more negative feedback than Nia, which made Holly, Kira and Jessalyn do an impromptu Three Amigo football wave right out of their chairs.
Side note: Abby didn’t crack a smile during Nia’s performance, but almost needed a cigarette by the time Maddie was done performing. I’m sure some of it was editing, since that’s what Abby always says on Twitter at 10:01pm after the show ends every week.
But, still.
And speaking of editing. We finally got rid of Spazzy HairBowGirl in the bus arrival scene (…who I LOVE, don’t get me wrong…) only to have her replaced by a clip of the ALDC girls entering the backstage Green Room not ONCE…but TWICE.
Count ‘em. Busted.
How many times is Kalani gonna hold that door open? It’s only a one hour show, people.
Anyone else see that? This show is seriously messing with my OCD ADD LOL issues. If Holly and Jill aren’t gonna get up here and pay for my lunch pretty soon, I’m going to Lifetime Studios and take over for all the post-production editors they must be firing. Then cocktails will be on me, ladies.
Side note: Yes, I am probably the worst person to take to the movies since I’m constantly on the lookout for bloopers. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive Kevin Costner for driving the wrong way on that one way street in front of Fenway Park.
But thanks for asking.
The group routine was all about that Charleston.
The girls actually looked like they were having fun doing something besides lyrical leg extensions. Even the audience loved it.
Unfortunately, fun doesn’t always translate into a First Place trophy. Not even Second Place sometimes. The ALDC only pulled Third, which Jill felt could have been a result of the fractured Moms rubbing off on their children. But we’ll never know for sure.
As stressful as the group result was, the solo awards that came right before that announcement were even worse. Nobody won nuthin until the very last minute when Maddie took First Place for her mannequin dance. You didn’t hear it from me, but she’s certainly getting her money’s worth from that skin colored Sia leotard. Just saying.
Carrying her on stage like you were setting up a Prom display at Barney’s was pretty clever, tho. I’ll give Abby her props for that one.
And how about that little niblet from another studio who won Fifth Place? They put the medal around her neck and she fell over. What was she, like 3 years old? So cute.
Kendall didn’t place. Nia didn’t place.
Which meant that backstage, things went exactly as you would expect.
Abby threatened to put nothing but lyrical dances on stage until the day she died. Then she threatened Nia with no more solos. Then everyone lost it, screaming something about pacts and making friendship bracelets out of yarn and gum wrappers.
I say it every week. You don’t mess with a Mother’s love for their kid. But can you put your kid first and still support your friends? And what is with all this favoritism after all these years? Did we learn nothing from The Slap?
It was hard to tell who was on whose side by the end. I swear, if you walk out of the room and come right back to your television with a snack, somebody’s loyalty has already shifted in the 30 seconds it took you to open the refrigerator.
Abby said these Dance Moms just need to get in their car, go home and make dinner.
Wait. What?
Holly has a PhD. I don’t think opening a box of Mac and Cheese is her only option if you keep punching her in the gut. I’d be careful if I were you, ma’am.
As a matter of fact, this is what it might look like if Holly left. Because she did. She got right up and walked out of the room like she was channeling Christi or something.
Done. I’m done.
I lost count of how many times Jill said “Holly, please don’t leave” because I ran out of fingers right before my DVR timed out. Kira and Jessalynn only speaking in static morse code all like “She. I. You. But. We.” didn’t help my concentration either.
Melissa and Jill scooted out after Holly, but didn’t really accomplish much. But they’re not giving up hope just yet. Even the worst fractures can be reset and heal up just fine over time. So we need to fix this now, before they all head back to California for Round Two.
But not next week.
Next week is The Return of Candy Apples.
You heard me. She’s baaaack.
To be continued…
