Canada Turns to LAP to Broker Peace with U.S.

Special Report

ALBERTA, Canada — In an unprecedented move aimed at easing tensions between the U.S. and Canada following Justin Bieber’s request for permanent U.S. citizenship, Canadian officials have agreed to what they are calling a “mutually offensive compromise” by granting temporary citizenship to one staff member from Long Awkward Pause.

“We think allowing anyone from LAP citizenship in our country for 24 hours is more than enough to make up for 10 years of Justin Bieber,” said Pierre Bidet, a spokesman who helped broker the decision. “However, if there is an attempt to extend the citizenship beyond 24 hours, we are prepared to jettison Rob Ford across the channel and into Seattle.”

After hours of closed-door deliberation, LAP announced it had selected a representative and, coincidentally, run out of beer. “From what we remember from the meeting, the two aren’t related,” said LAP staff member Jack DeVoss. “But we chose Ned because he was the most qualified. Plus he got there late and was sober.”

As a result, Ned Hickson will be allowed 24 hours as an official Canadian citizen once travel arrangements are made and a chaperone has been assigned.

News and Social Drinking corespondent Ned Hickson

“I’m very excited about the opportunity to live as a Canuck,” said Hickson, who has already begun preparing for the transition by adding the letter “u” to words unnecessarily. “I’m also taking a Rosetta Stone language course so I will be fluent in Canadian and not have to depend on a translator… I mean ‘translatour.'”

While details are being finalized, Ned has prepared this Special Report for LAP-TV…