Fashion Magazine

What Not to Wear (the Dos and Don’ts of River Fashion)

By Girlontheriver @girlontheriver

It’s all very well having a lovely stroke, but however elegant your rowing you can totally, utterly ruin the effect when you get off the water if you’re attired in dodgy kit. Whatever anyone might try to tell you, what you wear on the river MATTERS. If you don’t believe me, just take a close look at the people who tell you it doesn’t. Precisely.

Luckily, I’m here to tell you what not to wear, so if you need sartorial salvation look no further. My thoroughly scientific research on the subject (asking around on Twitter) has unearthed horror stories of coxes in skirts (honestly), gimp suits (shudder), on-board rucksacks (eh?) and cashmere scarves (worn with precious little else – don’t ask), and I eagerly await photographic evidence to back this up. Until then, here are my top five fashion no-nos.

1. White

So many reasons not to wear white. It gets instantly dirty as soon as you get anywhere near the clubhouse and grubby clothes are never appealing. It becomes see-through when it gets wet, and remember, ladies and gentlemen, rowing’s a water sport.

But by far the most important reason to avoid white…

What Not to Wear (the dos and don’ts of river fashion)

See what I mean?

 

well, I think in the interests of decency I’d better illustrate this with a picture instead of a description… (probably best not to click on the photo for a full-sized view. Seriously, don’t.)

 

2. Novelty all-in-ones

You know the sort. Roman centurions. Skeletons. Storm troopers. Dare I say it, animal prints? (whoops, guilty… I got carried away at a regatta…)

Now I canvassed opinion about this and the general view is that these are just wrong, wrong, wrong. My Twitter pal, @scullinggirl, expressed the commonly held view that novelty suits are suitable only for charity events or Christmas, and I’m inclined to agree.

But maybe we’re being too grumpy. Is there room in our lives for a little lycra-based humour? Or is it as hilarious as a repeat of the 1995 Les Dennis Christmas special? Tell me what you think (post it below) and if enough of you post, I might be persuaded to add a pic of me in the said leopard-print all-in-one. I said might.

3. Gloves and pogies

What Not to Wear (the dos and don’ts of river fashion)

Boy, I hadn’t expected this to be such a controversial topic. Mention handwear and people get really quite cross.

“Pogies are for wimps. Man up!” cried one hardcore opponent.

“We do a sport that means going outside when it’s cold”, said another. “Pogies just make you look silly”.

Now I’ll have to confess here that I am an unapologetic winter glove-wearer. They keep the blood supply connected to my fingers, so I wear them. End of. But that is me and this is you, and I have never claimed to practise what I preach. The truth is that gloves (and even more so, pogies) do make you look a bit soft. You have been warned.

Oh, and as for the gloves worn all year round just to avoid blisters (particularly favoured, as one world-weary veteran noted, by novice men when they start out)? All I’ll say is that even I don’t wear those.

4. Status kit

What Not to Wear (the dos and don’ts of river fashion)

Does my bum look big in this?

Look, if you’re a GB rower and you turn up for the Olympics wearing a pair of tatty old trackies and a wife-beater vest, that’s probably taking modesty a little too far. What I’m talking about here is perpetually advertising your status as an elite rower. Especially if:

(a) you aren’t an elite rower;

(b) your elite rowing career was so long ago that the kit doesn’t fit any more; or

(c) you’re a member of Take That and can’t actually row anyway.

Now, I’ll acknowledge that the kind of high quality kit that uber-rowers get to wear is pretty special and probably looks and feels pretty classy. I’m sure I’d look lovely in the Leander kit (and now that the boys there are practically my best friends it’s only a matter of time before I’m invited to join them and try it for myself. Cough.)

But until that day comes, you won’t find me sporting the pink hippo. Sorry, folks, but it  just wouldn’t be cool.

5. Nothing

What Not to Wear (the dos and don’ts of river fashion)

Put it away, boys

“When the sun comes out, the guns come out”. Or so a teenage rower told me as he peeled down his all-in-one at a summer regatta to reveal what his mother had no doubt assured him was a fabulously muscular physique (bless).

I’ve heard all sorts of explanations for this behaviour. Some say it unnerves the opposition when they catch sight of the tremendous six packs on show. Hmmm. Others claim that they just find that thin layer of lycra suffocatingly hot. Again, hmmmm.

The truth is it’s just vanity. I’ve seen those same teenage rowers flexing and admiring their muscles when they thought no one was looking. And then, even more so, when they thought someone was.

Now, I’m not immune to a finely turned ab, but context is everything. And here’s the thing. Vanity is not hot.

My advice, then? If in doubt, cover it up.

So there you have it. You need never destroy your cred again by wearing the wrong kit. Just by rowing badly, and I’m afraid I can’t help with that.


You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • How I’ve Streamlined My Cleaning Routine with BISSELL

    This post has been sponsored by BISSELL ® . All thoughts and opinions are my own. Like most fur baby owners, I consider my tuxedo cat, Gideon, to truly be a... Read more

    The 24 May 2018 by   Francoisetmoi
    DESTINATIONS, LIFESTYLE, TRAVEL
  • "I'm Keith Hernandez"

    "I'm Keith Hernandez"

    There are dozens of books that come out every year about baseball, including memoirs from older players recalling their glory days. Read more

    The 24 May 2018 by   Theomnipotentq
    BASEBALL, SPORTS
  • The Golf Shots You Need To Practice to Score Low

    Golf Shots Need Practice Score

    To score well, there are some golf shots that are just more essential to learn than others - ones you need to practice to lower your handicap and make you want... Read more

    The 24 May 2018 by   Golfforbeginners
    GOLF, SPORTS
  • Himalaya Spring 2018: Last Teams Head to Summit, Others Cancel, and Further...

    Himalaya Spring 2018: Last Teams Head Summit, Others Cancel, Further Information Hillary Step

    The unprecedented climbing season in the Himalaya continues with yet more summits to report and a few remaining expeditions that are still unfolding. Read more

    The 24 May 2018 by   Kungfujedi
    OUTDOORS
  • Dog DNA

    The suspense is over and we now know what Jake's mixed-breeds are. Sort of. After impatiently waiting two weeks for the results of Jake's Wisdom Panel DNA... Read more

    The 24 May 2018 by   Hikingwithheather
    OUTDOORS, TREK
  • Planting Winter Squashes

    Planting Winter Squashes

    Right! My Squash plants are fed up with being confined to their little pots, they're going in!Over the last 10 days or so we have had a surprising (but... Read more

    The 24 May 2018 by   Mwillis
    GARDENING, HOME
  • You Are So Annoying

    Often after my seminars, parents come up to give me a personal greeting. Sometimes I meet parents who have been repeat attenders of my seminar. ( I love that). Read more

    The 24 May 2018 by   Joanigeltman
    FAMILY, PARENTING

Paperblog Hot Topics