Humor Magazine

Welcome to the Quarterly Meeting of Worldwide Octopus

By Pearl

9:08 a.m.
Rats.  I’m late.
I’ll just dial in to the meeting.  They’ll never know. 
Beep-beep–beep!  Beep-beep-beep boo beep-beep-beep!
The State of the Corporation conference call is already in progress.  When I connect you, you will be the 400th person to join.
“… and so your activities in that capacity will figure prominently in your review not only this year but for years to come.”
“But really, people, what we’re about is world-class performance.  World-class cross-functional services operating world-wide.  We’re tapping in, we’re rolling-out, we’re driving the topline.
“And we are excited about it.
“Why, I remember when coming to work was just coming to work.  Remember that?  You got up in the morning, you came to work, your duties were this and this and this, and at the end of the day, you went home.
“No more. 
“Today, we’re world-wide.  Our day never stops!  That laptop we got you?  You can work from home!  That e-mail that Senegal sent?  The attachment from Taiwan?  No need to wait until the beginning of your work day, and you know why?
“Because your work day is no longer defined!
“We’re leveraging, people.  We’re doing heavy lifting.  We’re spearheading, we’re officing, we bubbling up to management. 
“We’re verbifying like never before.
But when will we sleep, you say.  When will I have time for my real life?
“Listen.  These are hard times.  Around every corner are people looking for jobs.  Noses are applied to grindstones, shoulders are pressed to wheels.
“Resumes are received.
“You know, I started like you.  Like you, and so many of our workers in the middle of the country, I, too, came from humble beginnings.  My grandparents, for example, had difficulty finding and keeping reasonably priced live-in help.  As a result, my grandmother was often forced to supervise the maids.
“I see the looks of incredulity on the faces around me here.  But it’s true.  Those were some humble times.
“But my grandparent fought their way out of those circumstances. 
“Just as you will. 
“In the last few years, we’ve had losses.  We’ve taken deep hits to our budgets.  We’ve consolidated roles. 
“And so it is humbling for me, Executive President and Head Bottlewasher – ha ha – to be here today, to look out on to the faces of dedication, servility, and – yes – fear. 
“It is humbling, inspiring and oddly gratifying.
“Your fate rests in your hands, people.
“Now let’s get out there and be productive.”

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