Entertainment Magazine

Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads…In A Creepy Register As An Offender Kind Of Way

Posted on the 28 July 2011 by Danthatscool @DanScontras

Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads…In A Creepy Register As An Offender Kind Of Way


Oh, please.  I know they’re behind me.           Someone tell those Bitches it is ON like freakin’ Donkey Kong.


Why do you people keep begging me for more Toddlers & Tiaras?

Remember I swore off this show last time?  And the time before that?  There is such a wealth of much more important news out there nowadays.  There is the NFL football players lockout, the struggle to get the country’s debt ceiling under control and something about how Piers Morgan might have been hacking into people’s phone lines and getting dirt on them in order to skew their group dance scores on America’s Got Talent.  (Honestly, I was brushing my teeth in the other room when NBC was reporting that last one, so there is a slight possibility that I might not have all my facts straight.  But shame on you, Piers.  Shame on you.)

Lucky for you the football players got it together already, so I can do my best Peyton Manning and spike you a few nuggets on T&T.

Our friends at TLC over inflated another balloon full of crazy this week, untied it and then let it squeal out all over our television screens.  And they did it with the bonus stink of Holiday fruitcake, because it was the highly anticipated (at least by the 41 people sitting in a 4000 seat auditorium…again…) Sugar Plum Fairy Pageant!  Which basically means that all the Moms got to feed  their sleepy babies candy canes as well as Skittles and Pixie Stix for this round of Glitz.  Nice!  Who needs No Doze when you can just lick sugar off your fingers and the table tops all day?  Forget the carrots…they need to feed that s*** to Santa’s reindeers and he could get the whole trip done in half the time.

Ziinnnnngggg!  Back at the Toy Shop before Leno.

So again this time we got to witness various Moms living through their daughters.  The littlest Sugar Buzz Fairy, Logan, has a Mom who dabbled in pageants and apparently soft serve when she was younger, but never got to take home the title of Queen.  She reeeeaaaaallllly wanted Logan to bring it home.  Hmm.  For who I wonder?  As previously mentioned, those crowns are at least 10 times the size of an actual child’s head, so you know Mom and Dad are playing Judge and Naughty Pageant Girl every night after little Logan crashes from her sugar rush.  Logan’s biggest challenge, aside from Mom always beating down her self image, seemed to be focus.  From her first intro, she was running in circles and crying and then repeating the process until blackout.  Even upon arriving at the venue, she bolted from the van and ran into parking lot traffic.  She was totally tiny enough that you would definitely hear something hit the muffler but probably keep going, like you do when there are no streetlights and you klunk a squirrel on the way home from Bingo.

Paisley was another Plum Pudding contestant.  Stick this girl in a room, let her cry and pick her nose, and she is one happy camper, because that is about all she accomplished this round.

For the uninformed, there are a couple of random things in the pageant world that should never be done.  One is drink decaf.  Red Bull and Mountain Dew are the only two liquids that should ever pass your glossed lips and soften the enamel on your baby teeth.  Two is when those teeth fall out, naturally or otherwise, do NOT leave a gigantic Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown hole in yo’ face, girl.  Plug that thing with a flipper.  And three, never…NEVER…put sisters up against each other in the same age category.

Someone should have told Kylie and Karly’s parents about that last one.  Unless those two girls end up in a Playboy pictorial together, which isn’t really a stretch, I’m thinking that they will probably never hug each other again.  They were all “I hope you win…No, I hope you win” until, well…one of them won, and the other one got a stinking mini crown or something.  Kudos to the TLC editing room staff for the priceless loser looking at the winner shots.  You know the loser was hoping that the spiky crown cut a jugular when the non-loser was playing with it on her head.  Even the Pageant Director, another one who used to be a soft serve/pageant girl clearly stated that sisters are doing it for themselves.  No tag team.

During the festivities, Logan needed another nap, which was clearly not going to happen.  So that meant it was up to Mom to drag her around the stage like a glittery half monkey, half porcelain marionette kind of thing.  How Logan didn’t leave the pageant with a trophy, teddy bear and two dislocated shoulders is beyond me, because I don’t think her feet even touched the floor while Mom was swinging her around.  If this was Dancing With The Stars, Logan would have absolutely lost points for her toes not touching the floor during a lift.  Carrie Ann does not stand for those shenanigans, missy.

Paisley did the whole inanimate toy in a box routine that all Glamaglitz girls seem to turn to when they are not in the mood for jazz hands or cowboy boots.  But she needed a nap too, so it pretty much was just wheeling her out in a cellophane coffin and then wheeling her back off stage again.  That’s the life, huh?  Push me over there, boys.  To my room, boys.  To the Mall, boys.  Off this cliff, boys.

One half of the sister act rocked out a second toy in a box routine, oh no she din’t, and managed to add open eyes and movement to her routine.  The second half wandered around in a Jackie O/Delta stewardess ensemble until redneck Daddy came out on stage carrying what appeared to be Paris Hilton’s puppy.  Puppies always score high with judges.  But maybe not so much this time, because I’m pretty sure that one of the panel was actually a school janitor filling in at the last minute for that sassy judge who just jumped ship and joined The A-List TV show.

The whole thing was just another sparkly train wreck, from the first minute when one Mom casually mentioned that dressing up her doll/daughter was her personal hobby, to the very end with one of the Sugar Plums taking a face plant over the interview stool while dreaming about buying cheese dip with her award money.

You can thank the NFL for this Toddlers & Tiaras update.


Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads…In A Creepy Register As An Offender Kind Of Way
Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads…In A Creepy Register As An Offender Kind Of Way
Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads…In A Creepy Register As An Offender Kind Of Way
Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads…In A Creepy Register As An Offender Kind Of Way
Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads…In A Creepy Register As An Offender Kind Of Way
Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads…In A Creepy Register As An Offender Kind Of Way

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Thomas Land | Drayton Manor Park

    Thomas Land Drayton Manor Park

    If living near a theme park was in your criteria for buying a house, then our new house would certainly meet that need. Living about a 3 minute drive from... Read more

    The 25 September 2018 by   Thefoodiecoupleblog
  • Your Eye Drops Can Kill You

    Your Drops Kill

    Anything can be a poison, it all depends on the dose. This includes the drops you use to clear your eyes. The active, and dangerous, ingredient in many of... Read more

    The 25 September 2018 by   Dplylemd
  • The Wood Brothers: "River Takes the Town" & "Happiness Jones" Dutch TV Live...

    Wood Brothers: "River Takes Town" "Happiness Jones" Dutch Live Videos

    Watch roots trio The Wood Brothers perform River Takes the Town and Happiness Jones two tracks from their latest album One Drop Of Truth for Dutch music show... Read more

    The 25 September 2018 by   Hctf
  • Opera Review: Falling Down

    Opera Review: Falling Down

    The Met opens with a disastrous Samson et Dalila. by Paul J. Pelkonen A world of toil: Robert Alagna does hard time in Samson et Dalila. Photo by Ken Howard ©... Read more

    The 25 September 2018 by   Superconductor
  • Could Neanderthals Speak? Implications of FOXP2

    FOXP2 is one of the most famous genes out there; notable for containing two mutations linked to language in humans. These mutations are also in Neanderthals,... Read more

    The 25 September 2018 by   Reprieve
  • Diet Doctor Podcast #3 – Dr. Jeffry Gerber and Ivor Cummins

    Ivor Cummins: Great to be here, Bret. Dr. Jeffry Gerber: Thanks, Bret. Bret: The first thing I want to talk to you about is I learned from you guys you have t... Read more

    The 25 September 2018 by   Dietdoctor
  • North American B-25J Mitchell

    North American B-25J Mitchell

    @ Lancaster, CA March 2018 A B-25 makes a photo pass/bomb run during the the LA County Airshow.  This Mitchell, “Photo Fanny”, is part of the Planes of Fame... Read more

    The 25 September 2018 by   Htam