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Unemployed Asheville Man to Run Against Moffitt in Hopes for UNC-TV Job Offer from Moffitt

Posted on the 13 March 2014 by Citizenthymes @citizenthymes

ASHEVILLE- What one man sees as an ethics violation, another man sees as a job opportunity.


Unemployed Asheville resident Mike Jones officially filed paperwork yesterday to run against Republican incumbent Rep. Tim Moffitt for the N.C. House District 116 seat.


“It’s a tough job market out there,” said Jones.


“So if Mr. Moffitt is giving out jobs to his political opponents in exchange for dropping out of races, I say why not give a run at a house seat a shot. I knew the new economy would require me to be creative to acquire a job, I just didn’t know I had to be this creative.”


Jones decided to run for the District 116 seat yesterday after learning Rep. Moffitt had reportedly offered Democrat opponent Brian Turner an opportunity to run UNC-TV in exchange for dropping out of the race. Turner turned down the opportunity and called the offer a possible ethics violation, but Jones is willing to look the other way in regards to ethics, if it means employment for the first time in six months.


“You would be amazed how quickly your ethics disappear when you have been forced to live off of exclusively Ramen for the past six months,” said Jones.


“I wasn’t really going to vote for Moffitt, because I never really saw him as a job creator. But I have to say this incident has changed my mind and if I get the UNC-TV job for running and then dropping out, Mr. Moffitt is definitely getting my vote.”


Jones, who graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in English from UNC Charlotte and former Papa John’s pizza delivery driver, says he is ready if offered by Moffitt to run UNC-TV, despite not having any media or production experience.


“Unemployment has allowed me to thoroughly study Netflix’s vast media library,” said Jones.


“You could say I’m a journeyman in what makes good television.”


However, if Moffitt doesn’t offer UNC-TV to Jones, Jones has yet to figure out what issues he will base his campaign on.


“I don’t know what issues I want to tackle first, perhaps state legalization of marijuana or free Tibet,” said Jones.


“That way I don’t have to listen to my drug dealer Tom go on and on about how the lizard people are taking over America. Tim Moffitt is a good example how that theory has to be bunk. Lizards are known to be cold-blooded creatures, but Moffitt had it in his heart to not only offer Turner a job, but also warn Turner that third parties outside of Moffitt’s control would attempt to nuke Turner’s family reputation. Moffitt seems like a pretty warm-blooded and heart felt guy to me.”


As for third parties nuking Jones reputation, Jones says bring it on.


“I’m an unemployed man in his mid-30’s, who ran out of unemployment three months ago and brings first dates home to my senile grandma’s basement. I have no shame, bring it on suckas,” said Jones.

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