Humor Magazine

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Too Can Train Any Child To Enjoy Pageants. Let The Pageant Whisperer Show You How.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

Smile on National TV sweetie, or I swear I will cut you.

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Too Can Train Any Child To Enjoy Pageants. Let The Pageant Whisperer Show You How.

Do you think I’m kidding? Did I mention this is National TV?

I need to type quickly.

One, because there was so much Toddlers & Tiaras spaz on my TV tonight that I don’t want to forget a minute.  And two, Child Services will probably be scooping up one of tonight’s little pageant girls before the weekend and that would really take the humorous edge off this story.

Now you know I love me some Pageant Moms (…shout out to little peanut Allyson and her Mom…!) but tonight we got to sample a new flavor of crazy that I had never tasted before.  This serving of Pageant Mom was rolled in Nuts.  At least twice.  And then sprinkled with enough looney to hold anyone over until breakfast.  And best of all, it was served as soon as we sat down in front of the television.  No pixie stix appetizers or nothing.  Just BAM!  A full plate of insanity.  I’m going to need more napkins.

This week everyone was getting ready for the super nifty Storybook Pageant where the DIY creative highlight was dressing your little tyke as their favorite storybook character.

Pint sized Carley was the first to be introduced.  In the first 12 seconds she seemed pretty cutie pie and well adjusted, until she let us in on her winning pageant secrets.

I tell you…switch channels for one week, and they change the rules.  No longer are spray tans and ill fitting flippers the key to wobbling off stage with a crown bigger than your head.  Suddenly we find out that the key to taking home the big Supreme crown is actually Multiple Personality Disorder.  And it helps if both the kid and the mom have it.

Mom Melissa was both President & CEO of the Live My Life Through My Child Company and pretty proud of it if you ask me.  She explained that she and Carley are one and the same.  Carley is “as close to an exact replica of me as there could ever be…”  Umm.  Creepy.  And Mom actually believes that they live the same life.  Creepier.  And she feels that it is actually Mom on stage when Carley is up there not blinking and blowing finger kisses.  Mom may want to discern the difference between “feels” and “wishes” if you know what I mean.

The needle on my Creepy Detector just shot off the paper.

If Mom and Carley share the same life and same head, it must be getting pretty crowded up in there because Carley is also dragging around a second personality all her own.  Apparently following the lead of Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, tiny Carley has created Darla as her alter ego on Pageant Days.  Darla swoops in and gives Carley the security and sparkle to own the stage.  But sometimes it’s Darley instead, I guess depending on how much soda she has scarfed down before slipping into her cupcake dress.

So that’s at least three names that the judges need to have prepared on their score cards because no one knows which one will show up at the Radisson for Outfit of Choice.

And that was the most normal part of their relationship.  The whole thing goes off the chart when Melissa morphs into Pageant Whisperer mode.  When ever poor Carley/Darla/Darley screws up her routine or acts like…I don’t know…a normal 5 year old, maybe?…Mom leans in and chews her a new one in her best “I see Dead People” whisper.

Somehow believing that the 17 TLC cameras in the room in combination with the suspended boom mics, the interns running around with sound equipment and the wired pack that is running up the back of her own Target shirt won’t be able to hear her chomp down on Carley, Mom unleashes a never ending stream of “Don’t you dare embarrass me…I’m taking your iPod…we’re on National TV..” that would make even Joan Crawford proud.

Like Stealth mode, you don’t see it coming until it’s too late.

Then we meet Alessondra, which is a pageant emcee’s dream name.


Say it like you were behind the podium wearing too much bronzer and too much of that hair gel in the green can that makes your hair spiky.  Pageant Porn.

Alessondra’s mom, Alaine, doesn’t really approve of glitz.  So naturally the next step is to sign her up for a Glitz pageant and then not let her spray tan or wear anything fake.  I’m going to assume that Mom also checked off the box on the application that states “I want to make certain that my daughter doesn’t stand a chance in Hell of winning” before she licked the stamp.

Alaine is crazy frugal, and bought one pageant dress for a whopping $9.  The money she saves obviously goes towards aerosol Aqua Net because Mom is rocking some of the biggest 80′s hair that I have ever seen.  I got a serious Jersey Mall Orange Julius flashback when she first popped on the screen.  There was also a backstory about Alaine’s frozen eggs and some scientific embryo mumbo jumbo about how her two kids were cloned or invitroed or something like scientists did to that sheep that time, and that they’re miracle babies.

She calls them The Frozen Chosen.  No lie.

Best. Comic.  Book.  Title.  Ever.

I’m also pretty sure that Alessondra’s mom might be Barbara Mandrell’s long lost older sister that they never mention, but I don’t have any real proof.  Seriously.  Check it out.  Girl has Grand Ole Opry written all over her, and I’m thinking she was Country when Country wasn’t Cool.

Rounding out the mix was Berkley, a pudgy mix of Danny DeVito, Al Capone and a random cute kid.  Mom Kirsten was pretty nice and normal.  TLC must have been bummed.  Berkley’s claim to fame this episode was that she cried a lot.  A lot…like in all the time.

Here’s some bullet points in case you need to get going…

We got to see Berkley get her first hair cut.  She hated it and cried.  A lot.

Carley was dragged to get her roots bleached just like any normal 5 year old would do on the weekend.  She hated it.  Pretty much every Carley scene involved her hating something and Mom going all Pageant Whisperer on her a**

Alessondra had to sit still while Mom fingerprinted her face with a test run of non-glitz make up.  Alaine should stick to country music because she doesn’t stand a chance at cosmetology.  Sorry.  Just call ‘em like I see ‘em.  Hint: Mascara goes on the lashes.

Berkley got a pageant couch to try and get her to focus.  Good luck with that one.  Berkley cried some more then had a seizure or something on the floor, or maybe it was break dancing, and wore an odd little hair bow that looked like the bottom half of an Egg McMuffin.

Carley’s mom attempted to do a Vulcan Mind Meld with her daughter, and for the rest of the show used the creepy “We” for every sentence.  We underestimated…blah blah.  We are humble.  We need to win.  We will assimilate.  We are the Machines.

The only reason I even knew that after the commercial the show switched to Pageant Day was that the kids were now in hotel rooms.  Otherwise they all acted the same, and the Moms all spun in circles getting ready like they do every day.  Somehow when Carley’s mom went to whisper “I love you, just do your best and have fun” it came out as “You have to do good.”  Period.  No pressure there.  Out of her three personalities, there has to be at least one with the sense to run away while Mom is distracted in the parking lot.

When Carley went too fast on stage, Mom had another Pageant Whisperer breakdown.  Carley sealed her fate by yanking off her fake eyelashes on stage in a self mutilating cry for help.   ”That was your beauty.  You need to step it up.”  Then Mom cried, because “We” probably won’t get the crown now.

I mean, her daughter won’t get the crown.  I’m sure that’s what she meant, right?

(Tell me the UPS guy hasn’t seen Carley’s Mom wearing all her daughter’s crowns in the living room when no one is home.)

Alessondra wore a gigantic Gone With The Wind dress on top of no glitz makeup.  Poor girl.  If you leave now you can beat traffic.  That dress was big enough to sneak a couple of people over the border, and the Elizabeth Taylor look-a-like judge hated it.  But not as much as the other judge who very maturely gave it a tongue out wet raspberry.  Klassy.

The Storybook part of the show was like the Poor Man’s Disney Parade, full of Jasmines and Hansel & Gretel witches & anything that the Moms could piece together from iParty.

In an unintentional salute to Multiple Personalities, Mom Melissa split Carley down the middle and dressed her as Cruella Deville from 101 Dalmations complete with scratchy wig and fish nets.  TV Gold.

Through out the event Melissa held Carley’s potential gift of a new cat as ransom for stepping up her game, and then whispered some more smack at her daughter, totally oblivious to the cameras.

None of the little nuggets did as well the Moms wanted.  Carley got Grand Supreme but “We” wanted Ultimate.  Alessondra needs to rethink this anti-glitz thing if she wants a 7 foot trophy.  Berkley needs to stop crying and get some more experience.

TLC just whispered another hour of sweet nothings in my ears.

I might need a moment.

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Too Can Train Any Child To Enjoy Pageants. Let The Pageant Whisperer Show You How.
Toddlers & Tiaras: You Too Can Train Any Child To Enjoy Pageants. Let The Pageant Whisperer Show You How.
Toddlers & Tiaras: You Too Can Train Any Child To Enjoy Pageants. Let The Pageant Whisperer Show You How.
Toddlers & Tiaras: You Too Can Train Any Child To Enjoy Pageants. Let The Pageant Whisperer Show You How.
Toddlers & Tiaras: You Too Can Train Any Child To Enjoy Pageants. Let The Pageant Whisperer Show You How.
Toddlers & Tiaras: You Too Can Train Any Child To Enjoy Pageants. Let The Pageant Whisperer Show You How.

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