Is your wiglet a little wobbly?
Are your fake falls freaking you out?
Is your Miss America arm flapping around like it’s attached to an air traffic controller?
Well, then it must be time for another Toddlers & Tiaras flashback.
Because that’s what we do. Especially when there’s still a week to kill until Season 6 SparkleSplats across our TV screen with all new episodes.
Lucky for all of us, there appears to be a limitless supply of leftovers in the pageant pantry for everyone to nosh on one mo’ time.
Like Jessica and baby Ava and all that luxuriously awesome hair. One of my favorite Moms evah. Remember her?
Love me some Jessica. Everything about her was big.
Like Best Buy TV big. That big.
Big Personality. Big Laugh. Even bigger Hair.
Apparently, even her credit card bill from HomeGoods was pretty substantial.
I mean. C’mon. Everywhere you looked there was a rooster or sunflower or country sumthin sumthin from that front aisle when you first walk in the store. If she doesn’t invite me over pretty soon for homemade lemonade and fresh snacks from the Farmer’s Market, I’m going to take it personally.
Big Butt jokes aside, she definitely got it from her Mama.
The personality, I mean. Because Nana or Namna or Ninja or whatever Klingon name she had given herself…Grandma was just as much of a hoot. And I’m a big fan of the Hoot DNA being passed down from generation to generation.
Dancing around the living room like she had all six numbers for Powerball, Nimna Helen made me love her right there on the spot.
Rocking out with that side to side arm thing that Bon Jovi always does in concerts, Helen swished her snappy Kohl’s sweater all around the living room like a Boss.
Namajama loved her pageants.
So did Mom Jessica, and she didn’t care what anyone else thought. No ma’am. And that was cool beans with me, because Jessica could do no wrong in my book.
Seriously. Only a woman with that big a personality could anchor down that much hair without falling over backwards. Months later, I still rewind the DVR and have no idea what a person does to make all that happen on their head every morning. It must be like a sculptor creating a masterpiece out of clay, or something.
Except that this one is inexplicably created with just a full red CVS basket of hair care products that somehow allow Jessica to counteract the gravitational pull of the Earth.
Bucket List: Spend one night at an ’80s Hair Band Tribute in the mosh pit with Jessica.
And live to tell the story.
And then there was that rogue housefly who took over her on-camera interview.
A classic television moment that will go down in history alongside Lucy & Ethel in the chocolate factory and pretty much everything…ever…from The Carol Burnett Show.
From that moment on, it was clear that I would always greet Jessica with a smile, open arms…and a closed screen door.
Cuz it’s mosquito season.
And I don’t want people thinking it’s nasty up in here.
Remember Justin?
Justin Fierce.
From Fierce by Justin?
Like Bond. James Bond. But slightly sassier.
Part Muppet, part Annette Funicello and 99% strip mall Drag Diva, Justin was brought in by Grandma Pam to show little Ariana how to werk the runway for her upcoming pageant.
I don’t even know where to start, and it’s been like 100 years since the episode originally aired. I should have been able to process all this by now.
I guess we could start with that weave.
Justin’s hair was equally as fascinating as Jessica’s, but for all the wrong reasons. I’m still not really sure what was going on up there, with that odd combination of twisted hemp rope, Brillo and those headbands they always put on bald babies.
But he was Fierce. Totz fierce, all you West Virginian Bitches.
From the neck up, anyway. From the neck down he looked a little more like one of those customers at Hooter’s who keeps trying to cop a feel.
Yeah. Justin was an odd juxtaposition of Fabulous and Flea Market.
But it took someone as fierce as Justin to stand up to Ya Ya Pat, her Pittsburgh Steelers mascot headgear and that crazy a** puppy tee shirt.
Honestly, if I was trapped in an elevator with both Ya Ya and Menomena Helen, my head would explode before we ever made it to the lobby. It was that good.
Ya Ya was a spitfire, and it was clear that she could wreck the place on Bingo Night without ever putting down her Solo cup.
As Justin back kicked and lip licked his way around the back yard, Ya Ya ate it up with a spoon while Ariana tried to figure out how to butch it up a little before she hit the stage.
Dude. The kid’s just going to walk around the Ramada in a cupcake dress, not headline in Vegas. And she’s like 9 or something.
Clearly, Justin’s over the shoulder facial techniques were designed to score both points from the judges and free drinks at the club.
Needless to say, I’ve been practicing all the variations that he laid out in his tutorial and I’ll let you know how they go this weekend. Daddy’s either gonna land some cocktails, a black eye or a night in jail.
Stay tuned.
And there you go. Another round of flashbacks to get you through the dry spell.
Don’t worry. All the glitz and guilty glam that you’ve come to know and love will be back soon enough. And then the party really starts.
Until then, put your hands up in the air and wave ‘em around like you got Grandma hair.
Whoop Whoop. Who let the flies in?
