Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic Part Two, Batman! Only Superheroes And Sparkly Things Can Save Us Now.

Just between us, I lie about my age all the time. It’s the only way to get a discount at Claire’s.

Don’t even tell me those chicks are in my shot, because I am the Queen. You listening to me?

Honestly, every time they start crying I just close my eyes and pretend I’m holding a cocktail.

If the Fair Pageant Bureau wants that certificate, they’re gonna have to pull it back outta my butt.

And now they say I can’t claim any of this as med school tuition just because she’s a fake doctor.

I read in Cosmo that if you press right here you can tell if you’re about to have a massive stroke.

My new X-Ray Specs are totally gonna help me track down the bitch who stole my crown.

The mean streets of Mesa are on fire.

Villains are terrorizing the residents with giant hair and hammers.

Heroes are finger kissing and fighting the forces of Evil, trying to regain control of their city.

It’s chaos and contouring, people.  But have no fear.

Because just like that…

…they’re back.

Toddlers & Tiaras is here to save the day.

In the nail biting 2nd part of GemStars‘ super-sized Heroes vs. Villains Pageant, it was anyone’s guess who would still be standing when the dust and (…Spoiler Alert…) smoke machine haze cleared before Crowning.

When we last saw our heroes, Mom Becky had just been stopped at the Check-In desk by Director Debbie Graston, who was in the process of both physically and verbally blocking her entrance into the ballroom until Becky could produce a notarized and laminated copy of Kaylee‘s birth certificate.

Because, you know…The Fair Pageant Bureau.

I know, right?  What is that?  Is that even a real thing?

And who sent Debbie that mystery email?  And why did Debbie suddenly take it as gospel that maybe tiny Kaylee wasn’t really 6 years old just because she looks like she’s 10 years old when she’s in hot rollers?

She looks like she’s 32 when she’s all teased up.  Are we really gonna go there?

Maybe we should check her LinkedIn profile while we’re at it to make sure she didn’t pad her resume that year she worked at Wells Fargo.

Gah, she’s cute.

And how did her Dad keep those sunglasses on the back of his neck the entire episode?  I can’t even keep mine on my face if it gets too humid outside.

Needless to say, Becky had a copy of Kaylee’s birth certificate right there in her Back To School pocket folder and whipped it out all like…

…which shut everybody else up and made my PageantCoachCrush Cambrie start to think that maybe the GemStar cards were already stacked against them.
Home Decor Tip:  You can never have too many accessories or boobs in one room.

Nobody told me I needed 3D glasses to watch this show.  But I guess that’s why Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  And your argument is irrelevant.

And the entire mantle display can be purchased thru West Elm’s website, FYI.

As you’ll recall, Kim had shown up with her little niblet Selyse, despite the fact that they were currently coach-less thanks to last week’s Sassy Mom-tervention.

No.  YOU talk to the hand.

But it didn’t matter.  Because Kim had it all under control even though I believe Selyse’s Snuggie is on backwards.  Or maybe not.  I don’t know.

But I love Kim.  F’realz.

And she knows that little wiglet goes on her kid’s head, right?  Not her’s?  Cuz I swear…

Side note:  Now you guys all know that everything on this sloppy site is done in fun and I’m easily sloppier than anyone else on any of these shows and most of what I say is straight up made up anyway, right?  Because I would never intentionally go in for the kill.

Ever.

Except for maybe right now.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Jaimie and some Debbie, but you might wanna get the kids out of the room for a few minutes.

What the F***ing F*** is even F***ing happening on that F***ing stage right now?

Are they blocking a Fire Door?

And what the what is up with those decorations?

Spoiler Alert:  Even Harlie stopped right in the middle of her Beauty Routine to try and figure out what the F*** was going on back there.

Srsly.  Have you ever gone to one of those temporary Mall Halloween stores in the middle of November when it’s their last day before it turns into a temporary Christmas Shop?

And there’s only one person working and all they have left are four cardboard cutouts and the fabric they used to cover up the Radio Shack logo?

That soldier is literally shooting out the kneecaps of a Disney lady.

But I still love you, Jaimie.  Call me.

And scene.

Moving on, we smoothly transitioned to Queen Cadence, who revealed some secret organization that collects all the unwanted babies that have been tossed out windows and finds them new homes with people that I assume won’t throw them out windows anymore.

Because the Baby Club is a real thing.  Like the FPB.

Q.  You gonna tell that #PatootieFace there’s no such thing?  I don’t think so.

Q.  And you gonna tell that #ProudMamaFace to stop crying?  I don’t think so.

From the minute Cadence his the stage, Mom Julie was a hot mess.

Haters gonna hate, but Amy and Julie are THE best.  Period.

The lady behind her is even making the exact same face.  What are the chances?

With all the waterworks you’d think they could at least top off that aquarium, tho.  

Cambrie felt bad that Cadence appeared a little lost on stage, but it gave Ms. Littlefield an opportunity to wear yet another outfit in a confessional.  So there was that.

Judge Toniann Rotante wanted more facial expression and had a last name that sounded like spaghetti sauce, so I immediately bonded with her.

Mangia, Mama Mia!  Gimme Face, dahling.

Little squirt Selyse was up next and was so cute I wanted to slap somebody.
Like Piper‘s Mom Katie, maybe, who called Selyse a hot mess.

Violence is never the answer kids, but you know…

One thing I do like about Katie is her hair.

She has that messy hair like when you’re at the club and you see another girl texting your man and you just clip as much as you can out of your face before you throw down so the bitch doesn’t try and yank it out when you drag her across the floor.

That kind of hair.

Ain’t dat rite, Cambrie?

MmmHmm.  You know dat’s rite.  That’s why Mama wears a bun, yo.

TLC Newsflash:  Cambrie Littlefield….

…makes…

…winners…

…mmmkay?
Side note:  Everyone on #TeamHope got iPhones as a bribe to get in the car.
“S.O.S.”…SEND.
“Dude.  There’s like NO Pokemon in here.  Not even a Squirtle.  This sucks.”…SEND.
Next up was cutie Caitlyn who, as you’ll recall, was going for redemption this week after having her crown snatched right off her head at the last GemStars shindig.

Nobody is took’ed-ing her toys this time.  Ain’t happening.

Somebody needs to prevent this kid from getting any cuter before she warps the Time and Space Continuum on Cuteness and all the ugly people get sucked off the planet.  And that’s not even a joke.

Her hair looked familiar…

…but for the life of me, I couldn’t place where I’d seen it before.
When you’re cuter than your pink poodle, is that really fair to the rest of us?Did she just snap his neck?

Mom Charis got upset that Caitlyn missed two parts of her routine…

…because if you divide the $100,000 that Mama’s spent on pageants so far, that averages out to roughly $50,000 per pinky wave.
By the time Kaylee hit the stage, her hair was so big she had to spread her arms out for balance like those high wire people do when they  tip toe across rope tied between two skyscrapers.  Careful, gurl.
It should probably be noted that one judge said Kaylee looked just like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but this whole conversation could go wrong in so many ways that I think it’s best if we just move on.  #GoTeam. 

Side note:  Is that a real baby or one of those puppets where you make the mouth move with your hand?

Because Mom is still holding her the same way out back.  Why is she doing that?

And what is even happening right now?

Doesn’t that seem kinda close to her face, or is that just me again?

Anyway.  Katie’s other daughter Harlie was next to wander the stage.

You remember Harlie.  She’s the one who looks like Piper but didn’t want to participate in the pageant like Piper.  Unfortunately, the check was already in the mail so bailing wasn’t really an option.

But Mom and Dad still love you and still think you’re special.

Long story short:

The Rules specified that any child over the age of 5 could not be coached by their Moms from behind the judges’ table without losing points.  You read it.  You signed it.

But then this happened.

A few times, actually.

Was Jaimie coaching Harlie from behind the judges’ table?  Wasn’t that…?

Excuse me?

Becky went OFF.

Right behind the emcee.  Look at him almost drop the mic.

Before anyone could even say ‘Sparkle, Baby’ the whole thing spilled into the hallway where Becky and her husband and Katie and her husband all pig piled on top of each other screaming about rules and breaking rules and how Harlie was a special needs child and —
Wait.  What?

Nobody ever mentioned that Harlie was a special needs child.  Just special.

Even Cambrie changed her outfit again and got all like…

It was ON with the Moms.

You’re trailer trash.  You’re a bully.  Who bullies a special needs child?  You’re still trailer trash.  And you’re still a bully.

It got In.  Sane.

People were running in circles all over the place.  Charis came out of the ballroom all like ‘Keep it down out here!  We’re trying to run a damn pageant!’ while that one poor lady who just came downstairs to find a vending machine ended up caught in the crossfire holding her baby and an empty ice bucket.

Look at her.  You just know she was all like…
Thankfully, the other Deb (…Jayliana‘s Mama…) came swooping in to separate the women and get everyone back inside before Outfit of Choice got started.  Ain’t nobody gonna screw this thing up before my baby gets on stage.  Don’t even think about it.

Swear to God I will stick my stiletto wine bottle opener in your throat if you don’t sit down.

Again.  Violence is never the answer, kids.  But Deb has a stiletto on her sofa table.

Side note:  Check out that little girl trying to sneak a picture of Jaimie when she’s not looking.  She totally thinks she’s about to post a photo of Adele onto her IG account.

And how about Yellow Shirt Guy trying to get on TV?  Look at his friend trying to dive out of the shot because he told all his buddies he was at a Wildcats game.

Riley and Piper finished off the Beauty Game and then the party really got started.

Outfit of Choice.

Cadence came bounding out as Harley Quinn, the Joker’s girlfriend.

She even had the hammer, which she smacked on the ground so hard…

…that it made Julie cry again.

Dr. Caitlyn was next to hit the stage, wearing glasses and dancing like a ’50s sock hop waitress on roller-skates.  I’m not really sure what that was all about, given the pageant’s theme, since I find doctors to be scary but not necessarily in the villain category.  Unless it was an homage to the recent Suicide Squad movie where Harley Quinn dressed up like a doctor and I just missed it.

Regardless, my goal is to one day be as cute as this kid so it doesn’t even matter how nonsensical I behave.  She doesn’t even have lenses in those googlie things.

Then it was Kaylee’s turn to set the stage on fiyah.  Or almost, anyway.

Remember last week when they tested out those pyrotechnics and blew the hem on Cambrie’s pink babydoll dress up another 3 inches?  Well, it was showtime.

Dad clicked a bunch of Home Depot wires together, setting off fireballs and one of the restroom sprinklers as Double Oh Kay Kay werked the crowd.

Which seemed to wow the judges but rub Katie the wrong way.

Apparently, somewhere in the GemStars contract was a clause that you couldn’t use Vegas Special Effects during your routine.  Or something.  They weren’t very clear about the actual verbiage.

But if Kaylee could use fireballs, then HellToTheYeah Piper was gonna use her smoke machine.  Which Mom just happened to have on her, BTW.

Because she’s a freakin’ redneck Boy Scout, that’s why.

What?  Your Mom never told you to make sure you stocked the glove compartment of your Nissan with a candle, a can of Spam and a fog machine just in case you spun off the highway and landed in a ditch and had to wait for help?

Next thing you knew, Piper emerged from the mist like the Phantom of the Opera.

Except that she was Poison Ivy from Batman.

And then it all just kinda fell apart.

Cambrie snuck at a peek at one of the judge’s scoresheets and saw that Piper and Kaylee BOTH received a ‘7‘ in one of the little boxes, which could not have been possible unless the whole pageant was…say it with me…RIGGED.

Somehow the whole thing spilled back out into the hallway again.

Trailer Trash vs. Bully:  Round II

Katie did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

And Becky did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

And then someone did this…
…which in shadow puppetry makes the face of a duck if you turn the lights out.  I’m not sure where they were going with that one, but note that there are still sunglasses securely attached to the back of Tim’s head.

And is it just me, or…?

Katie yelled.  Becky yelled.

Take your birth certificate and shove it up your butt.

Rinse & Repeat.

And then it over.  Or at least Part II was.

Will our Pageant Princesses ever make it to Crowning?

Who sent the FPB email?

And does this guy ever NOT wear a cowboy hat?

All those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

Trust me.  It’s gonna be eye opening.