Dating Magazine

There’s A Slight Chance I’m A Future Serial Killer

By Aussalorens

by Aussa Lorens

There’s A Slight Chance I’m A Future Serial Killer
I know I frequently position myself as the hapless victim in my stories-what with the prevalence of stalkers, weirdos, and unstable coworkers I deal with on a regular basis. But I feel the need to be perfectly honest with you guys and admit that plenty of signs point to me as being a serial killer in the making.

I hadn't really put that much thought into it until I was discussing wedding venues with my friend, and future bridesmaid, L.

"You should get married at the duck pond, where we burned that Bratz doll."

This isn't exactly the sort of input you usually expect when planning your nuptials, but it did grant a rather bizarre wave of nostalgia. I'd buried the memory of the Bratz doll deep in the caverns of my mind, ensuring that if I'm ever asked under oath about whether I've doused a doll in lighter fluid, placed it on a large stone, and set it ablaze, I can honestly answer: "Not that I recall."

I think we were making some sort of statement on the horrors of these skanky little platform-wearing, cellphone-wielding dolls, but I can't be sure. It seems like a lot of trouble and possibly a waste of money, but 2003 was a much simpler time. Either that or I was just in the pre-killing stages of becoming the inspiration for a future primetime TV show. Be assured, this wasn't the first time.

As a young child, me and my best friend Peeves had a favorite make-believe scenario wherein we were pet store owners. Our shop was called "All Pets" and our slogan was "Sorry, No Refunds." We enjoyed singing and screaming this at our every imaginary customer, as each of our pets met a very tragic end just after being sold.

I don't want to leave anything ambiguous here: We were perfectly healthy little 3 rd graders from suburbia who spent our playtime devising all manner of torture for her unwitting Beanie Babies. Taking great care not to damage the mint-condition TY tags, we forced baby whales to live in too-small cages and watched our flamingos fight to the death. No animal was safe from our cruelty, as many a hedgehog or fox met a swift death from a high fall. All the while we would clutch fistfuls of Monopoly money and cackle as we insisted "Sorry, No Refunds!"

I can hear you all coming to my defense, trying to dismiss this as some sort of weird childhood phase I went through, but there have been recent events. Just after I moved back from China, Shleisel and I spent an evening at my brothers' house while he and his family were out of town. Instead of behaving like normal 20-somethings, we eschewed the liquor and other fineries and decided to play with their kids' toys, staging them in all manner of violent scenarios.

There’s A Slight Chance I’m A Future Serial Killer

And lets not forget that less than a year ago I not only drank whiskey with little plastic babies in it, but I then experimented to see if they would melt in a fire. Can someone please analyze what this means? Actually, don't. Because it's pretty obvious. I'm going to become a serial killer.

Did you do anything this bizarre when you were a kid? Do you think your own children are future killers? What's the most interesting thing you've ever set on fire?

Filed Under: Tagged With: #Aussome, awkward, chidhood, disturbing, don't judge me, funny, humor, memories, serial killer, weird, wtf Weird Childhood

hahahaha..you crack me up.

There’s A Slight Chance I’m A Future Serial Killer

First of all, the doll staging at your brother's casa was just pure brilliance. I aspire to be just as cunningly creative as you someday.

I did use a (giant) Caillou doll as a Halloween decoration. I put a mask and witch hat on him. He scared the poop out of the kids. Speaking of poop....

The most awful thing my brother and I ever did (and there are a lot of awful things to choose from) was.....well, let me set this up. My (single) mother rented out the front of our house to borders from time-to-time. Once there was this renter named Robert who was sort of a douche waffle. Super Type-A, corn cob in his ass type dude. My brother and I couldn't stand him. I was probably 11yo at this time. He eventually moved out, but left some of his furniture in our garage. One such item was his dresser. While my brother rolled around on the garage floor laughing his ass off, I shit in one of the dresser drawers.

I'll let that sink in.

The best part is that my brother got blamed because, what girl would do that??

This one. *winning smile*

My brother and I used to set fires in a small shed (we'd usually burn his socks)...in said shed we also set a bike on its seat and handlebars and would put a naked Barbie on the tire, and "burn" off her boobies.
Other than that, I think the rest of my childhood was normal.
And the usual child bahavior for a future serial killer is bed wetting, fire starting, and animal torture. Well 2 out of the 3 is fairly common...
I never did think of setting the dolls on fire though lol

I remeber my friend and I deciding that we didn't like our neighbor, a boy a few years older so we made mud-pies and tried to tell him it was really a pie and get him to eat it....... strange that he didn't buy it.
I don't think I have ever set fire to anything though my brother and cousin got into big trouble when they were little when they decided to make a camp fire in the bushland behind our house and the neighbor had to save the day putting it out.

Oh man I have so many fucked up kids stories, I also remeber when my next-door neighbor got one of those dolls that you can 'feed' and they 'wee' and 'poo', for Christmas. Anyway my brother and his friend pissed into the bottle and fed it wee.

Kids are just little psychopaths.

Oh, yess!!! It IS the perfect season for poetic justice. In some parts, it's celebrated as the assassination of a demon by a god. Also, perfect.
Aussa! You're one of us now, you obviously gave it enough thought, we serial killers need to stick together, inspire each other, to make the jump.

There’s A Slight Chance I’m A Future Serial Killer

For some reason the pictures of the Barbie doll and the Bratz doll at the top remind me of the "Pretty Wasted" photos. God, those were disturbing.

Barbies and Bratz. Good times, good times. I know I gave at least one of them a really horrible haircut. (One of them, I believe, ended up with a rather patchy hairstyle.) And then, when I was done with them, I yanked off Ken's limbs and threw him under the bed. I'm pretty sure I beheaded a couple others, too.

You know, I think all little kids can be rather sociopathic. I'd be really disturbing when playing imaginary games - things like, "You captured me! You should really be beating me up now! Or poisoning me!" I'm pretty sure that's the reason my sister's friends started avoiding me.

All this has made me think about that Mark Gatiss quote again.

And yanked of his head. Let's not forget that. Ripping the heads off dolls was a particularly satisfying part of my experiences in Barbie doll-related sadism.

But at least *I* didn't light him on fire. You're like Sid from Toy Story. God, Aussa.

Wow... This is bringing back memories of some of the really disturbing things I did in childhood (and a bit in tween-hood, to be honest)... I'm unsure as to whether I should post things like that on my blog, though. My grandmother reads it sometimes. (She's visiting for a week starting tomorrow, actually. All sorts of awesome things have been happening lately. I really have to post about them.)


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