Humor Magazine

The Saturday Six: Creepy Vintage Valentine’s Day Cards

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss
 saturday six

It’s that time of year to celebrate Love and Black History.

And who doesn’t love black history?

See what we did there?

This week we are going to travel back in time. We are going to travel back to a much simpler era where life was grand, cars were a novelty, smoking was expected, and the women wore bathing suits like this:

bathingsuits

Looking sexy there ladies! Can you believe Beth and Mary Ann are revealing their knees! Scandalous!

If Instagram was around during the roaring 20’s this picture would be taken down for sure.

The ‘Free The Kneecap!’ movement would not happen for about another 3 years…thank goodness!

Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, we figured we would focus on  love this week. The Vintage Valentine’s Day cards below (as far as we can tell) are all real.

Even though women can now wear strings as bathing suits, we are pretty sure most men would be slapped for passing these out to their ‘best’ girl.

Anyway…

Happy Saturday!


1. I Think These Two Are In The Wrong Positions

valentines1

source: google

BrainRants: How ironic is it that this resembles the cards terrorists send each other, except theirs have goats and not Brahma bulls.

Omawarisan: Pull my horns! Yes! Pull my horns!

Ned: And with the passing of Old McDonald, Mrs. McDonald grew increasingly lonely on  the farm…

2. 1920’s Version Of A Dick Pic?

valentines2

source: google

BrainRants: See Dick.  Dick likes Jane.  So does Billy, Dick’s owner.

Omawarisan: Is being cock sure a good thing? I mean, sometimes they don’t make wise choices.

Ned: I save being “cock sure” for really big decisions *cough cough*

3. Probably Not Because You Are A Eunuch

valentines3

source: google

BrainRants: To continue the bestiality theme, this one with spicy Satanism.

Omawarisan: Come on man, you’re the Prince Of Darkness! You can’t afford a Brazilian?

Ned: Fine. In retrospect this card was probably a little racy for third grade. Sue me.

4. Saw This For 20 Pesos In Mexico Once

valentines4

source: google

BrainRants: Animal lovin’ four out of four.  What kind of sick people were our grandparents and great-grandparents?

Omawarisan: Only a jackass would wear a yellow tie with that suit. Only a jackass would wear that suit.

Ned: At least Hallmark was classy enough to re-think the tongue.

5. We Think This Is A Confusing Way To Say, “I Want To Have Sex.”

valentines5

source: google

BrainRants: ‘Screwtinize,’ ‘Barber Pole’ and ‘Pig-Tail.’  You’ll find these in Urban Dictionary along with ‘Cleveland Steamer,’ ‘Dirty Sanchez,’ and ‘Blomper.’  And of course, another animal.

Omawarisan: “Consult your doctor immediately if you have an erection that lasts more than four hours or looks anything like a pig tail.”

Ned: I’m sorry my crossdressing friend, but the bottom line is you’re screwed.

6.  Bill Cosby’s Granddad’s Valentine

valentines6

source: google

BrainRants:  A card for every fetish imaginable.  Is this Rule #34?  Thanks, Japan.  AND ANOTHER ANIMAL!

Omawarisan: Don’t be CROSS, “GAS” who it is? Your valentine, Cathy Cankles.

Ned: “Be My Valentine.”  — Love, Bride of Chucky

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