It’s like totally time for another warp speed joy ride in your DVR Ferrari to catch up on all the hilarity you may have missed during this week’s celebratory tweeny bop episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
It was Gia’s 12th Birthday Extravaganza Special, and nothing else really mattered. It was all about the party. And the prep. And the boys, of course. Even though they can give you cooties if you’re not careful.
Just ask Jabba Joe Giudice as he fumbled his way through the Birds & The Bees & The Ice Cream with a pre-suicidal Gia. OMG, Dad. Just OMG.
But I know you’re busy, so we’re busting out another New Jersey Quickie to get you up to speed in under five minutes or so.
Two minutes if you skim. It’s almost like we were totally texting it to you during study hall…which would be beyond epic.
And speaking of speed, it maxxed out at about 120 mph when Cool Aunt Rosie took little Joey Wakile for a spin in Dad Richie‘s sports car, much to Bad Cop Mom Kathy‘s dismay. Totz three against one.
Beyond the racetrack there seemed to be a bad case of the flu going around town and Joe Gorga could barely manage to wrap himself in an animal print Snuggie (…they took a blanket and they put two sleeves on it, and you can totally sing that line to Beyoncé‘s Single Ladies and it works…) before giving an over the top death bed performance.
Dude. Take a Cold-EEZE and suck it up. You’re gonna live.
Melissa took Kathy to the gym (…I know, right?…) and I swear I saw the same scene during an episode of The Prince of Bel-Air back in the ’90s.
Suburban Moms in step class. Just saying.
There was also a pig roaming around Caroline‘s front yard for some reason. Clearly, her sister Fran is the one to know if we ever run into another 40 days and 40 nights of rain, because she could fill an ark or two with just the livestock she appeared to have hidden in the Manzo garage.
But this week it was all about Gia. And her Bday. And her bad attitude.
Honestly, I could have easily sat through an hour of just the Giudice Girls all misbehaving in the salon as they got their hair did for Gia’s party. It was riveting television and the best birth control commercial evah.
How somebody didn’t end up on the Channel 7 News with a pair of scissors in their neck is beyond me. It was like those hotel makeup rooms on Toddlers & Tiaras, but without the sugar high and the ill-fitting Team Gia glitter shirts.
Teresa learned what BFFL stood for and Gia turned into an angry Kirstie Alley again.
At the party, the cake looked like something from a girl’s Health Class film strip presentation and Kim D showed up acting like the same filmstrip.
(Don’t over think that one, people.)
Naturally, Melissa and Teresa went another few rounds fighting over who went when to visit Teresa’s Dad in the ICU while all the kids had a food fight in the other room.
Melissa couldn’t do basic 2nd grade addition to figure out how many days she had let her father-in-law lay in a hospital bed before finally bringing over Get Well balloons, Kim D kept doing some creepy thing with her tongue that made me think Girlfriend may have a partial dental plate that doesn’t stay in place and Teresa couldn’t pronounce the word ‘Interrogating’ without making me spit out my birthday punch.
And can we all agree that Gino Gorga is going to be one bad a** playa when he starts to shave? Did you see that Aqua-Net faux hawk?
Hit me up on my Fisher Price Chatter Phone after my nap, bitches.
And there’s your New Jersey Quickie: Birthday Edition.
Hope it was a good one, Gia. Still BFFLs…right?
XOXO
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