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The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Portrait Of An Italian Family. Meatballs And Pasta Included. Just Add Nuts.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

It is your destiny, young Giudice.

If Caroline Manzo is indeed only 1/16th Italian, as scandalously proclaimed by whack job Teresa Giudice in her latest kinda sorta cookbook, then the other 15/16ths must be authentic Jedi.

I’m not even joking on that one, because Caroline spent most of her time on this week’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey season finale phasing in and out of scenes and voice overs like some kind of George Lucas CGI hologram, all while uttering prophetic words of wisdom like an Antipasti mix of Yoda and Obi Wan Corleone.

Kid you not, I do.

Teresa has gone too far this time, with some digs that are lower than the hair on her forehead, and the Manzo Family doesn’t take well to being dissed.  Even if it is in a book that will be re-released in marked down paperback form before the new retailers even finish moving into all those empty Borders stores.

But just because Star Wars started in the middle, doesn’t mean I have to…let’s start at the top.

The big doings around Jersey this week all revolved around Teresa’s Kardashian style Family Photo Day and the release of her 2nd cookbook, so just getting everyone into their over the top outfits and corralled into one room took up a good chunk of the show.

Since there is apparently only one fashion stylist in town, Melissa has managed to steal the same woman who squeezes Teresa into her size zeros, and is getting pointers on how to hooch yourself up before you go on stage to lip synch your new dance traxx.

As is tradition in the Italian household, Baby Boy Gorga drools and tumbles around the floor like an over sized lint roller while oblivious Melissa worries about her junk falling out of the criss crossed stripper top she is modeling.  When that little pepperoni  finally moves out of the house in 24 years he is going to save a wad of cash by not needing to buy any furniture for his new place.  This time around he is either laying in a pile of tissue wads that Melissa sticks in her shoes, or those padded cutlets that go in her bra.

Over at Teresa’s the regular Child Services hilarity ensues.

Getting her three daughters into their frilly circus dresses is always a chore since Teresa still doesn’t seem to have a handle on the cereal to sugar ratio during breakfast.  Between slugging each other in the face, tugging on hair and standing on top of each other, Onomatopoeia, Don’tGetAnyOnYa and whatever that third one is called are still not ready for the photo shoot.  After three seasons, one would think that Teresa would remember to wake the girls up 4 hours before the Bravo cameras get to the house, but I guess that’s never going to happen.

One of the girls is chewing her highchair while the other two race back and forth trying to see who blacks out first.  It will probably be me.

Proving that you can grow older but not grow up, we jump over to Jacqueline and her hot mess of a daughter Ashley, who has managed to score two tattoos when Mom wasn’t looking.

Tattoos: Two.  Job: Zero.

Jacqueline has called in Uncle Jaime to try and help, even though he is covered in tattoos.  Since he just dropped in out of nowhere, we find out within 10 seconds that he used to be the Wild Child and now has his act together.  Ashley still feels that she is entitled to some kind of special treatment because of blah blah blah, and is still planning on going to California even though she has no money and no employment.

Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt.  I’m sure it is rather difficult to fill out a job application with only one hand since she doesn’t seem capable of ever putting down that cell phone.  Who is she always texting?  I need to know.  That’s one of those insignificant details that will drive me crazy until I find out.

I’m never quite sure if Jacqueline is really concerned about her daughter, or the lack of any substantial future story lines now that Ashley is leaving the show.  As has been documented in other less humorous and less entertaining blogs, Ashley has legally become Ashlee and is moving on to let her 15 minutes of fame completely extinguish.

Jacqueline is also having another Teresa hissy fit and just skipped out on the Reunion Show.  She was complaining how the Spoiled Brat Formerly Known As Ashley was making her skin break out, so maybe she just had a major zit the day they taped the Reunion.  We’ll see.

Right then we get a little Yoda Manzo as she contemplates Ashley/Ashlee’s future.

Someday gone, everyone will be.

Then we get to see Caroline in action again at her radio show on W.I’m.Always.Right. 101.5.  Every time we see Caroline at work she is telling a caller how important family is and that you only live once.  Seriously.  Pick any episode and tell me I’m wrong.

Cousin Kathy gets her scene as her daughter Victoria gets ready for the prom.  This is the same daughter that Kathy cornered in the dress shop and told her to stay away from boys, and the same daughter whose father thinks is waiting until she’s married to do the nasty.  Good luck with that, guys.

Richie is working some serious HGTV eye protection like the guys wear when they refinish flea market bureaus as he greets Victoria’s date at the door.  From the other side of the door we hear “It’s Paulie” and I get all excited that my worlds are finally colliding and it’s going to be DJ Paulie D from Jersey Shore.  It could happen.  Jersey’s not that big.

But it’s not.  It’s just some squirrelly neighborhood kid who drips a little Axe Spray perspiration when Richie gets all Godfather on him and crushes some nuts in his face.

Probably the oddest thing about the whole episode was the massive tent set up outside Kathy’s house, full of family and friends who were there to pose and give Victoria and the wrong Paulie a send off like they were going to Oz.  Seriously.  They’re not going off to war.  They’re going to the high school gym, people.

Kathy’s sister got her weekly camera shot, this time dressed like a Cheesecake Factory waiter who didn’t read the entire employee handbook and showed up with a black vest over his all white gear.  After finding out who Ashley is texting, I want to know how much money Rosie gets paid to show up each week.  Seems like a pretty sweet gig.

Finally it’s Photo Day time!  Teresa’s Dad shows up fresh from the eye doctor, all dilated and spaced out, which explains why he was the only one not wearing the required black ensemble.  Nobody could mention to the poor guy that everyone was wearing black and he put on his pink shirt before he left the house?

Photographer Linda showed up packing her tripod and a box full of crazy.  She was waving and poking one of those multi-colored feather duster sticks in everyone’s face to get the kids to smile and look up, but she still didn’t pick up as much dust as Baby Gorga did on the rug about two hours earlier.

It’s quite a process getting all the kids dressed and all the photos taken, but sooner or later Linda works her magic like one of those Holiday photo people at Kmart.

Yoda Manzo speaks.  Forever, family it is.

Forever.  Or when the new cookbook is published.  Whichever comes first.

Hot off the press, Teresa’s new cookbook arrives on the scene packed with pretty pictures of food she didn’t cook and pages of smack talk that she apparently didn’t think anyone would read.

But they did.  And now the whole town is pissed.

Seems Teresa can’t balance a checkbook or tell a punch line.  She claims that all the slander she spits out in the book was done in a humorous tone, and that everyone should just learn how to take a joke

Yeah, just like she should learn how to cook.  Ain’t gonna happen.

Setting us all up for a throw down at the Reunion Show, we get a quick thumb through of the book.  Teresa slams Kathy, Melissa and Caroline.

Uh oh, Spaghetti Os.

Melissa claims she is not telling Joe, which either means he could care less about his sister’s book and is never going to open it, or that he can’t read.  They weren’t very clear on that part.

Kathy brushes brushes the whole thing off while Richie throws the book in the garbage.  (“You’re garbage!”…isn’t that line in every season of RHONJ?)

Caroline gathers her Jedi Clan and one whacky gay sidekick , thanks to their Christmas GPS tracking bracelets, and makes it clear that when you go after her family it is a declaration of War.

Way off in the background you could see the outline of what was either the Manhattan skyline, or the Death Star.

Hit the fan, s*** it did.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Portrait Of An Italian Family. Meatballs And Pasta Included. Just Add Nuts.
The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Portrait Of An Italian Family. Meatballs And Pasta Included. Just Add Nuts.
The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Portrait Of An Italian Family. Meatballs And Pasta Included. Just Add Nuts.
The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Portrait Of An Italian Family. Meatballs And Pasta Included. Just Add Nuts.
The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Portrait Of An Italian Family. Meatballs And Pasta Included. Just Add Nuts.
The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Portrait Of An Italian Family. Meatballs And Pasta Included. Just Add Nuts.

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