Humor Magazine

The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Tempest In A Tea Party. Dainty Finger Sandwiches & Nasty Finger Pointing.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras



Now they said it.  And that was awkward.

Like one of Dana (“Like it? It’s Valentino…”) Wilkey’s designer dresses, this week’s episode of  The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills felt about two sizes too small and was really uncomfortable in the back end.

After tip toeing around the subject for about ten episodes, with only sporadic mentions or glimpses of Russell Armstrong spliced in like a postmortem Where’s Waldo?, the big Dead Elephant in the room was finally front and center in what has to go down as one of the most uncomfortable British tea parties ever.  It was enough to make you spit out your cucumber and cream cheese sandwich, if the snooty rich did that sort of thing.

But we’ll save the good stuff for later.

We picked up right where we left off last time, with NutWad Kim breaking the news to sister Kyle that she was about to leave town and shack up with her own Mattel Secret Lover Ken doll.  The two of them have been sneaking around town for a solid year and have never gotten caught or photographed, so right away that says something about where Kim falls on the TMZ Paparazzi Celebrity Scale as well as how photogenic they consider her new beau to be.

A nice enough guy, Kyle had met him a few months back at niece Paris Hilton’s Oxygen TV Show premiere party but didn’t realize that he and Kim were seriously dating.  Let’s hope their relationship does better than that show did, since Ken was apparently one of the only people in America to actually tune in and watch that train wreck.

Kim managed to talk Kyle into going inside the house and saying hi to Ken and some random dude who showed up to help move the heavy stuff, obviously thinking there was pizza and beer after, and the awkward meeting set the tone for the entire remainder of the show.

Kyle couldn’t stop crying, Kim couldn’t stop looking around like she heard voices, and Ken couldn’t stop saying he thought it was going well.

Let’s just say that when Kyle saw the Jonas Brothers Promise Band that Ken was wearing it didn’t go so well.  Kyle wants the best for her sister, as long as she gets to decide.

For a little comic relief before the show collapsed into full psycho therapy mode, we got to celebrate Paul’s birthday.  Adrienne was picking up the tab for dinner and drinks, and it was clear that she immediately regretted taking him out in public as soon as they sat down at the table.  Taking Paul out to a restaurant is like taking a baby to TGIFridays when he hasn’t had his nap yet.  Lucky for Adrienne it was a private area, otherwise Paul would have been hanging over the back of the booth poking the people behind him.

It doesn’t matter where he goes…it’s always Drive My Wife Crazy Time.

Whether it’s choosing her meal, her drink, shocking her with a joy buzzer or Snakes In A Can, Paul lives to push her buttons.  He’s the Master.  Even though she is such an easy target, and gets flustered just by being in the same zip code, he’s still the Master.  I bow to him.

I also bow to the chef who created that road flare birthday cupcake.  For such a weenie little cake it had the same pyrotechnics used at KISS concerts.  I got out my Bic lighter and waved it around a few times before I realized that it was just a television show.

Rock on, dude.  Happy Birthday.

And then it all started to get not so much fun.

Nervous, fragile Taylor, even with all the Susan Lucci drama going on in her life, has somehow found the time to be the Creative Director for a Beauty Product line and is up for an award at some Women Making A Difference banquet.  It’s a big dealio of a thing at some massive hotel, and she has invited everyone but Lisa to the event.  Even label ho’ Dana.  Go figure.

As you will recall, there is some rumbling out there that Lisa may be leaking dirt to US Magazine on Taylor and Russell’s messy marriage so the last person she wanted sitting next to her was Lisa and all her prissy British table manners making snarky comments about people using the wrong fork.

Taylor has been getting Olive Oyl  skinny lately and Lisa has gone out of her way to bring it to everyone’s attention.  Whether it’s from not eating, or stress, or both…Lisa can’t stop talking about it.  Episode after episode Lisa has reminded us that she is not Taylor’s friend, and that Taylor has no friends…but gosh, she is welcome to stay at Casa Vanderpump if she gets thrown out of her own home.  The whole thing has been a head scratcher, and the scratching has definitely been messing with Taylor’s head.

While Kyle is wandering aimlessly through the hotel hallways trying to find the banquet hall (try following the arrows in the lobby, honey…) Lisa hits her up on her Sidekick with an invite to a Tea Party at Vanderpump Castle.  A little flustered that her cell phone GPS doesn’t work in the Ramada, Kyle blurts out that she is at Taylor’s event, not knowing that Lisa was on the Do Not Invite list.


While Lisa seeks consolation from Sissy Pom to the Stars Giggy and exasperated Dog Walker/Husband Ken, Kyle finally locates the gang and settles in for the awards.  Dana is quick to announce her support for Taylor not inviting Lisa, because other wise she would have no place to sit and no doggie bag for a late night snack.  Der.

Lisa whines to Ken about getting dissed with the invite while stroking Giggy in that creepy way the Wicked Witch smushed on Toto’s head while she tormented Dorothy.

I’m kind of starting to wonder if Lisa knows that Giggy is a real dog and not a puppet.  I couldn’t see both hands while she was holding him up in the air, and I don’t really have any proof, but I could swear she was trying to make his mouth move with her fist up his onesie.  Just an observation.

And then it was time for that Dead Elephant.  And finger sandwiches.

Lisa wanted to get all the girls together for a quick spot of tea since they are all sooooo busy lately.  (Doing what?  Can someone please tell me what is it that keeps them all so busy?  It’s not like they have to work at the GAP on the weekends.)

Anyway.  Giggy has a pink baby girl stroller that he rides in.  Just wanted to point that one out before we get to the good stuff.  Do his legs even work?  Did he chew his own ‘nads off?  Seriously, Lisa?

Anyway.  Again.  Lisa pulled together quite a little Tea Party at her pink Barbie Mansion and everyone showed up.  Even Taylor, who Lisa greeted with the most insincere, coldest wet fish air kiss I’ve ever seen.

Over the past year, thanks to Russell and the media, Taylor has become the human version of that delicate porcelain kitty statuette your Grandmother always had in her curio cabinet.  The one that has been broken and glued back together about 100 times and you know that the next time it breaks you’re going to have to throw it out because it will crumble.  You know the one.  That’s Taylor.

Her personal life has taken its toll on her, and no one can figure if therapy is helping or hurting.  After the required weekly Kelsey Grammar bashing, the whole thing just went South.

Ok.  Wait.  One last random observation, and then I swear I’ll stay focused.

Did anyone else notice that black telephone with the cord?  The one Lisa used to call Kim to see if she was coming to the Tea Party?  Seriously?

You have more money than God.  You live in a white and pink fairy tale mansion with gates bigger than the ones at Universal Studios…but you have a black 1950′s telephone with a curly cord?  Was that from the Bravo prop department?  The last time I saw a phone like that was on Dallas when Sue Ellen was drunk.

Did you have Ethel down at Ma Bell ring up Kim for you?  And it was sitting right next to your pink iPad with that soft porn screen saver pic of you and Giggy.

I can’t even process this.

When I got my attention back to the Tea Party, the whole thing had imploded into the rich white girl version of Atlanta Housewives, complete with finger pointing and head bobbing, though I have to admit that these girls haven’t quite mastered how to shake their extensions like the Georgia Peaches.

Lisa makes it clear she was insulted by not being invited to the awards dinner, which sets Taylor off like another birthday flare.

Taylor has bent over backwards to be Lisa’s friend but Lisa and her big ego, and even that sissy dog in the stroller, have all treated her poorly since Day One.  Everyone talks behind everyone else’s back and it needs to stop.  Everyone needs to be honest and say what they really think about each other.

Umm.  You know this is Bravo TV, right?  That ain’t gonna happen.  Or if it does, it’s not gonna go down the way you think it will.

Lisa immediately goes into that defensive hair tug/bang straightening thing she does when she gets nervous, Taylor cries and Kyle covers her face to make it all go away.

Taylor briefly storms outside, where she is greeted by Paul standing on the outside of that massive front gate drinking a coffee.  How random is that?  He looks like that nerdy kid at the zoo who is too afraid of the wild animals inside to get any closer than the perimeter cage bars.  He can’t even see them, but he knows they’ll eat him alive if he falls into the pit.  Supposedly he had come across the street to get Adrienne, though he could have just called her cell I bet.

Or ring her up on that crazy black phone.

Either way, Taylor goes back into the den of wild animals for one last showdown, and comes face to face with the Dead Elephant.

Somehow while Taylor was outside getting the swelling on her cheek injections felt up by Paul, the argument inside over Lisa’s ego has turned into a heated discussion on Russell.

Everyone knew it was coming, though no one ever dared bring it up and toss it center stage.

Everyone has been protecting Taylor, and pussy footing around the subject.

Until now.

Like a bad fill in the blank game, Lisa tosses out the word abusive.

Months of pent up Kelsey Rage kick in, and Camille blurts it out.  No one says it.

He hits you.

Now they’ve said it.  And they can’t take it back.

Dead silence.

Giggy and I both had nervous pee.

And then it was over.

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog