Entertainment Magazine

The Rachel Zoe Project: Movin’ On Up. Featuring Vegas Hangovers, Mansion Makeovers & Diva Joey Sleep Overs.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

 

Did you see where there is a new remake of Charlie’s Angels out on TV right now?  Same storyline, kinda sorta, with fancier people and fancier clothes.  If they can mess with one television classic, they should totally mangle a second one and remake The Jeffersons.

You remember the show.  The one about the crazy couple with a whacky maid and odd ball friends who have a seemingly unending wad of cash in the back room and always found themselves in drama filled predicaments?  They should totally remake that show and…

Oh.  Never mind.  Someone already did.  It’s called The Rachel Zoe Project. 

Now if you are too young to remember The Jeffersons…One…you should be doing your homework and not online anyway.  And Two…thanks for clicking on my site, but you can run along now.

For the rest of you, think about it.  You tell me that Bravo TV didn’t just clone The Jeffersons in some petri dish in the same lab that they keep growing Real Housewives.

Rachel is Weezy, the frazzled wife whose husband makes her bonkers.  Rodger with a D is George Jefferson, the bumbling husband who is always underfoot but was rarely actually seen working.  Joey is Florence the sassy Maid, all full of snaps and divaliciousness, who loved to point out people’s flaws.  And then there was that bug eyed British guy Bentley who was always around bumping into things and getting the door slammed in his face, and eventually written out of the series.  Sound familiar, Jeremiah?  And the dry cleaner store that George owned was packed full of clothes in plastic garment bags on miles of rolling racks.  And we even got to see The Jeffersons Movin’ on Up to the East Side, just like Rachel and Rodger did this week.

I’m not making this up.  Find the VHS tapes at some flea market while you’re out leaf peeping this Fall.  It’s the same show.

Ban-na-nas.

So this week Rachel finally agreed to unlock Rodgers ankle monitor and allow him go to Las Vegas with his Boys, since he felt that it was the last chance he would ever have at true happiness once Rachel gives birth to the Chosen One.  Apparently never having held a baby, known people with actual babies or even having seen a real live one before, Rodger is under the assumption that his life is ending as soon a Rachel’s sparkling water breaks.  Since it is Superbowl Weekend, the National Holiday of Real Men, Rodger suddenly gets the mid-life crisis need to get his macho on and do the Vegas thing one more time.

After one last drama filled back flop onto the bed, Rachel lets him leave for a whole 24 hours.  Count ‘em.  You can test drive a car longer than Rodger is allowed out of her radar.

The benefit to Rachel with this Vegas trip, aside from the implied don’t return if you’re not bearing gifts, is that she gets a sleep over with her faaaaaaabulous Hair Diva BFF Joey, complete with Orville Redenbacher and the bonus disc Twilight blu ray set.

O.  M.  G.  I died a little.

Nothing says Girl’s Night In like learning how to use the microwave and watching Joey spread his legs like a showgirl on the kitchen counter.  You might want to hose that down before you cut your veggies next time, Rachel.  Didn’t need to see that.

Rodger’s trip to Vegas was a cross between The Hangover, Jersey Shore and a Palms casino travel brochure.  After about 27 exterior shots of the hotel…ok, we get it…The Palms.  Fancy, and they comped your trip…we got to see Rodger and his Boys eat, drink, try to out gross each other with child birth visuals, look at stripper tail and gamble.  That and a Jersey “Whaddup…?” every time one of the Boys entered the room.

Get as beefy as you want, dude.  You still have hat hair and wear too many scarves.

The next morning, after some eggs and more “Whaddups…?” the guys all watch the game.  Rodger checks in with his parole officer, but she is busy shopping with Joey.  Like any housewife without a Craft Room in the basement, Rachel goes to the Mall on Superbowl Sunday.  That’s just how it’s done, America.

Since Rodger is still groggy from doing loads of things he can’t remember doing, he sends the hotel concierge off to pick up a little designer sumthin sumthin to present to the Queen as a token of gratitude for his 24 hour release.  Did anyone else notice that even though Rodger was completely Rush Week Wasted and probably slept upside down on the bed with one shoe on, his hair didn’t look any different than it does any other day?

Seriously.  He could have just wrapped another Burberry around his neck, grabbed his keys and gone out the door to Fashion Week.  How does he get his hair to do that?  I’m totally googling it after I finish writing this riveting synopsis.

Superbowl ad revenue almost lost its first place standing dollar for dollar compared to what Rachel and Joey dumped at the vintage store during the game.  Hopefully they saved enough money to pick up an inhaler or two at CVS on the way home, because they could barely breath when they started showing off their purchases to Mandana Madonna Mandingo or whatever her name is this week.  Everyone pronounces it differently, so I give up.  Regardless, they all went up an octave during the unbagging ceremony, and probably all went out for a smoke after it was over, if you know what I mean.

Jeremiah was on non-blinking, face rubbing over load as he tried to complete the designing, purchasing and delivery of all the furniture and chotskies for Rachel’s new home.  She gave him a whopping whole day to do it all, so I don’t know why he was stressing out so much.  Decked out in a snappy Indiana Jones meets 1920s Newspaper Editor hat, Jeremiah spiked his blood pressure for the entire episode looking for merch, scheduling shipping that was guaranteed to be late and generally getting bad skin.  He truly is Brad 2.0 straight off the factory assembly line.

Now I don’t know where Jeremiah was shopping, or if maybe Rachel Zoe’s name carries more clout than mine does, but somehow dude walked into every store and got overnight delivery on even the most elaborate custom made leather items.  Excuse me, but when I went to my local Design Within Reach they told me that I would have to wait a week just for the catalog to be reprinted and delivered to the store, yet somehow Jeremiah hyperventilated his way into delivery by 5pm.  I knew I should have started having a camera crew follow me everywhere I go, but my friends said it would be to self indulgent.

Before Jeremiah blacked out we got to see one little snippet of a scene with Rachel taping a lipstick endorsement infomercial.  It would be pretty insignificant except for the classic Rodger line stating that Rachel is super pregnant (as opposed to regular pregnant like the rest of the world…) and that she shouldn’t be working that hard today.  Then we see Rachel sitting in a chair trying to spit out her memorized lines.

Yeah, you might want to take it easy Rachel.  Sitting in a chair, trying to speak and having someone apply lipstick to your mouth must be wearing on you.  If you can shop all Superbowl Sunday, I’m thinking you can suck up another 30 minutes on that comfy chair.

The Jeffersons…I mean the Zoes…finished off the episode by going into hiding at a hotel while the rest of Team Zoe busted their backs getting the new house ready.  (Newsflash: Lincoln freed the slaves.)  They lounged around flaunting their Apple products and calling designer Michael Kors, who put a cryptic Gay Uncle Voodoo Curse on her unborn child and pretty much willed the baby into not liking girls.

Since Jeremiah apparently used the same guy who runs the 7-11 Convenience Store to deliver Rachel’s furniture, it took a few cell calls to get the truck to show up.  The delivery was late, Jeremiah’s ears got red and he yanked his hair a lot.  I’m starting to sense a pattern in his behavior.

Hope they at least got free Slushies for the inconvenience.

Joey floated by in his Glinda bubble to harass Jeremiah before the trucks came, sucking on his empty Starbucks straw like that mean kid chewing his Juice Box on the playground.  He does love to spook Jeremiah.  It’s not much of a challenge, but it still looks fun.  Indiana Jones was short handed, and no one was helping him prep for the deliveries.  I guess the 17 Bravo camera men must have bad backs.

Through the magic of TV and Ty Pennington, the trucks showed up, the mansion was decorated and George and Wheezy loooooooved the results.

Movin’ on Up is the way to go.

The Rachel Zoe Project: Movin’ On Up. Featuring Vegas Hangovers, Mansion Makeovers & Diva Joey Sleep Overs.
The Rachel Zoe Project: Movin’ On Up. Featuring Vegas Hangovers, Mansion Makeovers & Diva Joey Sleep Overs.
The Rachel Zoe Project: Movin’ On Up. Featuring Vegas Hangovers, Mansion Makeovers & Diva Joey Sleep Overs.
The Rachel Zoe Project: Movin’ On Up. Featuring Vegas Hangovers, Mansion Makeovers & Diva Joey Sleep Overs.
The Rachel Zoe Project: Movin’ On Up. Featuring Vegas Hangovers, Mansion Makeovers & Diva Joey Sleep Overs.
The Rachel Zoe Project: Movin’ On Up. Featuring Vegas Hangovers, Mansion Makeovers & Diva Joey Sleep Overs.


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