Entertainment Magazine

The Rachel Zoe Project: Baby Bumps, Bathing Suits And Big Changes. And Of Course, A Rachel & Joey Lovefest.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras


Now I might be dating myself as a member of the pre-WiiFit generation, but does anyone else remember those slide whistles that they used to sell in the toy aisle at the Dollar Store?

They were basically cheap hollow plastic things that looked like the musical recorders geeky kids had to play in band when the Director felt they were to fragile to hold up a tuba for the full Holiday Concert.  There was a little ring or pull tab or whatever you want to call it at the bottom, and you would pull it out as you blew into it and the sound went from normal to really high and back again?  Does anyone remember those?

I only ask because I want to make sure you all get the hilarious audio reference as we check out the latest kinda “maj” episode of The Rachel Zoe Project.

Rewind your DVR and listen to Jeremiah and Joey when they talk.  It always starts out in a fairly normal, though fashionably delicate tone and yet somehow manages to always finish up in a dramatically high pitch that only police dogs can hear.

I give you the verbal equivalent of the slide whistle.  It’s aMAZing…ohmyGOD..i’m so exCITED.  And so on.

We start out with Jeremiah doing his weekly hyperventilating over the prospect that he is actually going to be allowed to participate in his first photo shoot for Rachel.  Elle Magazine is hooking them up with designer bathing suits for the spread, so all TeamZoe has to do is pull together shoes, accessories, more shoes and accessories and then some more accessories for the model.  And a backhoe full of chunky jewelry, because everyone knows that you can’t swim in the water for an hour after you eat, and you  certainly can’t swim without Lanvin Paris bangles weighing you down.  Der.

As Jeremiah bounces around the office in anticipation, Rachel is hard at work plotting her next move in World Domination like the Wicked Fashionista Witch of West Hollywood with her Gay Flying Monkey Joey perched close at her side.  He was actually a little more in her lap than by her side, but since hubby Rodger with the Muppet coif basically bought Joey’s undying servitude as a Baby Shower gift for Rachel, I guess he can sit wherever he wants.

Joey, who is the Master of the Evil Juice Box Suck (which he should totally get a patent for…) can manipulate a Starbucks straw like he manipulates Jeremiah’s brain.

Every time he takes a sip of his grande iced mocha whatever, you always wonder what he is thinking and if they will ever find the body when Jeremiah goes missing.

While Joey is messing with Jeremiah’s head, Rodger wraps himself up in yet another Eurotrash scarf and drops by one of his macho Vegas buddies to talk about how tired he is and how he’s just realizing that Rachel is going to have this baby whether they want it or not.  Granted, he’s not as tired as Rachel, but he’s tired.  OhMyGod.  So tired.  Vegas Buddy has a kid, so that makes him the Authority on all things baby.

After the Jersey Shore “Whaddup?” Rodger gets a few words of encouragement, tousles the little kids hair like a 50s sitcom dad and then heads out.  Dear Bravo, can I get those 4 minutes of my life back, please?

Back to Sad Sack Jeremiah and Joey getting even more excited about the upcoming photo shoot.  More slide whistle squeals.  I’m almost certain that Joey has a daily calendar reminder set in his iPhone to pick on Jeremiah for whatever he is wearing, because dude never misses the opportunity and today was no different.  Sad Sack was rocking the latest in Homeless Man Shelter Chic and Joey couldn’t resist pointing it out.

He would have gone on even longer, but he got an email from Rachel.  Just like the one Jeremiah got.  Except wait…psych…he didn’t get one.  Jeremiah’s not getting any of them and that makes him sad, which resulted in yet another lost puppy face into the camera.  I didn’t know whether I should hug him or put a quarter in his cup.

Jeremiah takes his sob story to Madonna/Mandana/Mumbai (what is her name anyway…?) while he is picking out shoes for the Elle photo shoot, and she listens about as intently as you do when your 4 year old nephew is telling a story for the umpteenth time.  That’s nice.  Really.

Totally defeated by Joey and the fact that Jeremiah is being paid to do basically nothing that he can put on a resume, he takes his homeless attire and 20+ pairs of stilettos in a duffle bag and heads home to chill out and get some rest.  And I’ll bet you money to try on 20+ pairs of stilettos in his boxers.  You know you thought the same thing.

The day of the shoot, it’s the normal drama.  So normal that I wasn’t even sure I was watching the most current episode, until Rachel started going on and on to her Flying Monkey about how tired she was.  And how SuperPregnant she was.  And how she was the first woman to ever give birth, and literally can’t go on anymore.  And how kind of incredible the whole thing really is.  And that she is 37 weeks pregnant.  And it’s kind of amazing that she is doing this photo shoot when she is 37 weeks pregnant.  And last week she was 36 weeks pregnant.  And that there was a robbery at the Metropolis Savings Bank.  And that this looks like a job for SuperPregnant.

I swear that if Bravo TV had not spent the entire 2011 budget sending The Real Housewives jet setting around the planet then they could have just paid to run a CNN scroll at the bottom of the screen repeating the previous paragraph for the entire duration of the season and saved us all some grief.

To top it off, in between complaints Rachel was swigging off a Costco sized Perrier bottle as if she was dressed like Jeremiah behind a restaurant dumpster.

We get it, Rachel.  You’re tired.  How do you think we feel?

At the shoot, Jeremiah loses the jewelry then finds the jewelry.  The combination of stress and hair gel gave him some serious spikes this time around, because every follicle was sticking straight up, except for that one patch on the side that always looks like he had the car window down too far before the gel set.  While he zinged around the staging area like an Abercrombie pinball, Joey and Rachel just giggled and loved each other to death.

Joey of course manages to get a gorgeous…I mean “gorg”…ring stuck on his finger, which immediately brought to mind that Lucille Ball episode when she got the vase stuck on her head and had to ride the subway home.  Not sure why, but it did.  Google it.

Jeremiah got some more pouting time as he was forced to listen in on Rachel proclaiming her love for Joey, as if one of the General Hospital doctors was about to pull the plug out of the wall.  They’re reading each others’ minds.  They’re telepathic, which I think they confused with psychopathic, but it’s an easy mistake.

The shoot was aMAZing.  Slide whistle aMAZing.  And just when everyone thought that Rachel was done and headed for Maternity leave, the Hollywood Reporter emails everyone but Jeremiah and wants to put Rachel on the cover.  Squeeze real tight, honey, because you can’t have that baby until day after tomorrow…duty calls.

As one photo op ends and another is about to begin, Jeremiah starts to put the pieces together and realizes that he hasn’t actually accomplished anything in six episodes.

Unless you count decorating Rachel’s entire house in two days and sleeping on the floor and losing ten pounds of nervous sweat flop weight.  But that doesn’t really count in the big scheme of things.

If The Rachel Zoe Project aired on HGTV, Jeremiah would be sitting pretty.  But since Bravo doesn’t do Home Makeover Shows on a regular basis unless Teresa Giudice puts her fist through a wall, Sad Sack might be back out on the streets pretty soon.

Brad 2.0 doesn’t seem to have much job security.

The Hollywood Reporter shoot goes off without a hitch, even though Rachel is beyond exhausted.  Not just exhausted.  But beyond, whatever that means.  To me, beyond dead tired would be Dead I guess, but she was definitely still moving when Joey was doing her lips and whispering about the hospital gowns that those common people wear.

Monkey Boy was basking in the glory of having defeated Jeremiah yet again.  Whether or not he already knew the axe was about to fall we’ll never really know, but I’m sure you get a ton of insider trading info when you’re that far up your employer’s butt, especially when it’s sticking out of the aforementioned hospital gown.  That look is soooo last year.

Since Rachel and Rodger don’t seem to be big fans of Business 101 skills, it appears they neglected to work out much of a 12 month plan for Jeremiah.  Suddenly it turns out that they have no money to pay him, no work to give him, and that maybe they should have hired a stylist who…I don’t know…could style?  Who would have guessed that a pretty face, stiff hair and no portfolio would come back and bite you so soon?

Since Rachel was ReallyPregnant, which is not to be confused with SuperPregnant, she left the Jeremiah discussion to Rodger, who squirmed more than their baby will during childbirth.  It was up to Rodger to decide on the proper HR scarf styling and then have a discussion with Jeremiah on his future.

In the end, Rodger decided he didn’t need a scarf or Jeremiah.

And now we’re left hanging until next week, when they break both Jeremiah’s heart and Rachel’s water.

It’s gonna be slide whistle ba-NANas.

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