Humor Magazine

The Rachel Zoe Project: Apparently Starring Kim Kardashian. And Alot Of Diva Joey. And A Little Bit Of Rachel.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

Rachel, you know I’m prettier than you, right?

The Rachel Zoe Project: Apparently Starring Kim Kardashian.  And Alot Of Diva Joey. And A Little Bit Of Rachel.


The Rachel Zoe Project: Apparently Starring Kim Kardashian.  And Alot Of Diva Joey. And A Little Bit Of Rachel.

You know I’m actually prettier than both of you beeotches, right?

What I learned this week during The Rachel Zoe Project:

1.  Rachel is apparently the only woman to have ever been forced to deal with a pregnancy and all that comes with the Miracle of Child Birth.

2. Joey Maalouf is not physically capable of standing still without striking a fierce runway pose.

3.  There is not a television network in the free world that the Kardashians will not mark with their scent.

And that was just in the previews.

Where do I start?  Last week, to solidify their uncomfortable Bromance, Muppet-haired Rodger with a D gave away the family Mercedes in order to bribe Joey to give up any chance of a normal life and move to California like a gay Beverly Hillbilly.

Swimming pools.  Movie Stars.

So now Joey not only does Rachel’s hair, which as previously noted never looks any different after two hours of spraying and finger curling, he is also her on call Bitch, BFF and general pig squealing, gossiping, whacky gay sidekick.

Everyone should have one.  You’ll probably see a whole new category open up on Craig’s List after this episode.

Rachel and Joey open the show with yet another high energy, high pitched Oh no she din’t gab fest.  When Joey sees Rachel’s ever expanding Halston belly, he’s so excited that he goes off like a rainbow colored bottle rock.  I had to rewind once to make sure he was looking at her gut, and not the new Chippendale’s 2012 calendar.  Dude is not physically capable of finishing a sentence without jumping up an octave and getting verklempt.

While Joey is laying on Rachel’s belly like an air mattress, Rodger and newbie nervous wreck Jeremiah are scoping out the new Zoe Mansion & Casino rental.

Come on.  Unless Rachel is giving Octomom a run for her money, I’m pretty sure the two of them don’t need this over the top, over sized, over priced hog of a house.   The only thing I have in common with the two of them is that we both currently own the same amount of furniture, so they need to get shopping if they expect that house to not echo when Rachel clunks around in her nursing bra and Louboutin stilettos.

With all their money, and all their resources, it has always amazed me that neither Rodger nor Rachel have ever made the effort to purchase a Day Planner at Staples.

I mean, seriously.  Everything is last minute in their lives.  Everything is a total surprise.  If you don’t want the extra clutter in your Louis bag, how about a few post-its on the fridge maybe?  Even though Rachel is eight months pregnant and can’t fit into any of her old Skeletor blouses, the latest newsflash to seemingly catch them completely off guard is that they are having a baby and need more space.

So naturally, they need a new place and enough new furniture to fill a Four Seasons hotel.  And they need it in two weeks.  Chop Chop, Jeremiah.  Rodger doesn’t care what it takes, or how much money, or how many pounds Jeremiah loses in the process.  Just get it done.  Now you need to keep in that Jeremiah’s blood pressure probably spikes when the “Walk” signal changes to “Do Not Walk” and he is in the middle of the street, so imagine what this little twist in the plot is doing to him.  Add to that the fact that his own shadow spooks him and you already know how this will end up.

Jeremiah scoots back to Rachel’s to figure out if she likes Ikea pillows or not, and shows up right when Rachel and Joey were getting ready to dish on the New Boy.  Anyone who has ever worked at GAP knows that there is only room for one Diva per business, and Joey doesn’t like the scent he is picking up when Jeremiah is around.  Play nice, girls.  Joey didn’t move all the way back to California for free, and drive a new Mercedes for free and rub elbows with celebrities for free just to have another girl step into his spotlight.  Oh, hell no.

Joey should put together a Learning Annex session on how to pose, get fierce, do the sideways Miss Thang shifty-eyes and train people on how to master the patented Gay Spaz Out, because no one does it better than Miss Joey.  His resume must list a PhD in Faaaaabulous, right under hip popping and Gay Mime drama hands.  I don’t think it is possible for Joey to carry on a conversation without busting out enough palm waving to poke out the eyes of anyone within 3 feet of him.

Joey.  Is.  A.  Hoot.  Show me Madonna Vogue hands if you love him like I do.

And speaking of picking up the scent…here comes Kim Kardashian.

Since she was down the street doing Project Runway, Bravo stepped in and shuttled her over to Rachel’s show to do a little more shameless self promotion.  Paris Hilton’s arch enemy (Step aside, PH…there’s a new Famous For Being Famous in town…) continues to spread her “brand” around the world like that virus you get from wet land mosquitoes.

Love her or hate her, you have to admire how she can turn one poorly lit video into World Domination.  You know you’ve hit the big time when even Sears wants to steal you from QVC.

Jealous much?  I know I am.

Continuing to run an empire with no planning, Rachel gets the call that Kim is needing some styling for a video.  Tomorrow.  Like in 24 hours.  Best moment of the show may have been when Rachel looks at her watch and hyperventilates “So that only gives me…”

Umm.. Twenty Four hours.  Like the girl on the phone said.

Since Jeremiah doesn’t have anything to do except decorate 47 rooms in 10 days, Rachel sets him up to fail with Joey by his side, and sends them both off to pull clothes for Kim.  This gives time for some serious intellectual plot development as Jeremiah can’t breath, Joey goes into full blown OhMyGod jazz hands and both of them work on their Krystal vs. Alexis Dynasty faces.  I’m not quite sure if Joey even knew the clothes were for Kim and not himself.  That’s an entirely different discussion.

Somehow my television magically switched channels to E’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  I don’t even know where my remote is, but suddenly I was on a different show.

Kim was Kim.  Pretty and self absorbed, wearing skimpy underwear and squeezed into a gown.

Joey, no surprise, was the boy chosen to accompany Rachel on the shoot, leaving Jeremiah at home to sulk and go to Home Depot.  Since he had to furnish Casa de Stadium Zoe, I’m not sure why he had to get all hissy on the choice.  Now that you mention it, though…I think I did hear Joey whisper “I’m the fiercest bitch in town, not Uncle Jeremiah” into Rachel’s belly headrest when he was rubbing against it in that first scene.

With all that Kim and her Kimtastic KimKompanies have going on she apparently still has time to get to Level 15 on Angry Birds, because she did not put down her cell phone once the entire time she was on screen.  Not once.  Unless you are the President of the United States, I think Kim Kardashian can stop texting for a few minutes.

(Did you ever think you would see Kim Kardashian and President of the United States in the same sentence?  Careful what you wish for…)

Joey got to meet Kim, smell Kim, giggle like a school girl with Kim, do his pig squeal with Kim and touch his first pair of female underwear.  It was a good day all around.

We finished off with Rachel, Rodger and sister Pam going to visit a Doula.  A what?  Just when I thought the biggest scam out there was Life Coaching and Sea Monkeys, along comes a Doula.  I guess they do the gross birthing stuff that the other Life Coaches don’t want to do.  I got so mad that yet another person was making more money than me that I didn’t really pay too much attention.  Plus I was distracted by that gigantic comic book poster behind the Doula of an upside down baby with his head about to poke out of some lady junk, so there was just way too much going on for me at that hour.

Basically on the ride home, Rodger and Rachel continued their bickering like they do every week.  If Rodger’s hat hair could stand on end I’m sure it would, but it’s too matted down to participate in the arguments.  They both are dramalicious and make something out of nothing every chance they get.  Rodger is going to Vegas next week for a lap dance and some away time, leaving Rachel alone for a full 24 hours.  Which will still catch her by surprise since she didn’t put it in her phone.

This left poor Pam in the backseat, visibly discouraged that the limo was stuck in traffic and not going fast enough to cause any serious physical damage if she jumped out the window to escape.

Take a whiff.  I smell good drama coming up.

It kinda smells like baby barf, Kim Kardashian….and Ba-na-nas.

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