When I read this particular line I had to physically stop reading and let it sink in for a minute. It hit me HARD."The opposite of faith isn't doubt; it's control."
Like excuse me, what? Was the author knowingly speaking directly TO ME? Because that's how it felt when I read it. It hit me that hard.
I've always prided myself in being extremely organized. My friends notice it. My classmates point it out. I'm also a very "make it happen" kind of girl. So here I am going about my merry way, organizing and planning every little detail to death, thinking that I don't have doubt because I have faith when in reality, my faith isn't what my emphasis is on. My emphasis is on control. And lots of it.
I was hesitant to post about this, because honestly, it's something that I'm still in the muck of dealing with. I'm aware that I am a controlling person. I don't like asking for or receiving help for ANYTHING because I need it done my way. And if it's not done just so, you better believe I will redo it myself.
Hear me out - I think this controlling behavior comes from a place of doubt rather than a place of having to be the "be all say all" of a situation. I just didn't realize that it stems from doubt until now.
Instead of putting faith in something, I kill myself trying to control the ins and outs of it myself. Now this isn't to say that you should just sit back and say, "Okay God/universe/whatever you believe in - make X happen." without taking action. I believe that hard work and determination will get you far. I really do. But I'm also learning how unhealthy (and draining) it can be to struggle with such deep rooted control issues.
So yes, work hard. Make stuff happen. But make sure that you don't let your faith be overshadowed by your need for control. Ya feel me?
And just know - I'm right here working on this with you!
xo, Jess
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