I read a really meaningful piece of article from The Hands Free Revolution about the importance of listening (you can read the article here), and it had me pondering about my own childhood and how I was parenting little Miss 3.
The article talks about how the author's father would always stop whatever he was doing to listen to what the author had to share about her day. It talks about how the author remembered her father as someone who genuinely cared for her enough to listen. It wasn't how much money he had spent on her; it wasn't how much time he had spent on her. It was how genuine and respectful he was towards her life. It told her that her life and voice mattered.
Having grown up in an asian environment where children are meant to be seen and not heard, I try very hard to be different in my parenting ways with little miss 3. It hasn't been an easy journey, because I am doing something that goes against tradition. But even before pregnancy, I've always knew that I wanted to bring up my children differently from what I had growing up. Not because I think my parents weren't doing a good job, they did the best they possibly could and I am forever grateful to them for raising me to who I am today.
But I've always maintain that we should not aim to be as good as our parents, but better. They were good, but I want to try to be even better. Because of that, I knew I had to improvise on what I lacked in my own childhood, a voice and a listening ear.
Unlike typical asian parents, I wanted my children to have a voice, to be able to tell me how they felt about everything and anything. I wanted them to know that I will always listen to every little thing they have to say, because no matter how insignificant or irrelevant, it matters to them, therefore it matters to me. Ultimately, I want them to know that they truly matter.
I know from personal experience how not knowing to use your voice can impact your attitude towards your relationships in the future. It took me two failed relationships before I met my husband, who finally taught and encouraged me to be open about my feelings. It was a long journey learning how to express my true emotions without feeling guilty that I may have to hurt somebody else's feelings in the process. But after experiencing how good and lightweight it felt to be able to share anything and everything with someone, I realised how unhealthy it was mentally and emotionally to constantly keep things bottled up inside. It was one of the reasons why my previous two relationships failed to work, because I would keep everything to myself for the fear of offending my other half. Both relationships then ended with me losing control of my emotions. Everything unhappy that was kept inside of me for the duration of both relationships would come out like a volcano eruption. Horrible words would be thrown across the room, frying pan would be flying through the hall onto the wall, all because I could no longer keep my emotions in check.
I will forever be grateful to my husband. For it was he who taught me how to respect my own voice, and that there is more to life than just pleasing others. Most importantly, he taught me how to love myself.
He also shares the same sentiments of parenting, which makes life so much easier for me. It is a blessing that both of us believe that children deserve to be heard no matter how young they are. Catherine M. Wallace couldn't have said it better when she said, "Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."
It is a wonderful feeling being able to be honest with someone, to tell them everything without being judged, to feel that you actually matter. Provide that to your children. My husband and I have been doing that with little miss 3 since the day she was born, and the results are amazing. She includes us in everything that she does, she tells us (or try to anyway with her incomplete sentences) about something and everything all the time, and most importantly, she responds to us. A child who responds to you, is a child who feels comfortable around you, and when she feels comfortable around you, she is open to your love, and because of your love, she will love you back unconditionally.
I'm happy to say that little miss 3 is a happy little angel. It doesn't matter that my parenting ways have been judged as too lenient and incompetent, I stand by the fact that I know I am doing the best I can for my child. No parent should ever judge another parent (unless we're talking about child abuse). The only people who can truly judge me, are my children (and my husband), and no one else.
So for now, I am just going to continue to do the best thing I can do for my child, and that is to listen. I'm happy, my husband's happy, little miss 3 is happy, and that's all that matters. :)
