Today's post is another one that comes off the back of a conversation, which seems to be the starting point for many of my posts. This conversation was about love, life and ageing, which for me is a very deep subject that I don't generally wander into. However on this occasion I did and it was an interesting look at how people perceive illness in your 30's and illness in your 70's. Let me explain.....
So the conversation went a little like this.....
One of my single friends and me were chatting about her next great love, who they would be, what she wanted from a relationship...you know the usual girls chat, when she stated this "I wont pick anyone up that is unhealthy or sick".......WHAT??? was my initial reaction and as I have an invisible illness, this statement hurt my feelings a little. So I carried on the conversation, we finished our coffees and left. I was still a little hurt at the idea that people will overlook the sick because they are sick...so I decided to spend a few days pondering this.
Once the anger of sorts had past, I could consider the notion of care and love with fresh eyes. I know from personal experience that being in a relationship whilst fighting an invisible force is hard work, I would never deny this. It takes mental strength on both parts. The person who is ill will feel inordinate amounts of guilt for not being able to offer the partner a normal way of life, enough social time or enough trips out etc. Then there is the guilt we feel for needing help with some of the most basic things such as getting up in the morning or making food. The guilt is daily and unwavering because at the end of the day we do live a different way of life.
Then there is the pressure of care that is placed on the partner. I have cared for loved ones before so I have an insight into how heartbreaking and upsetting it can be. No one wants to see someone they love in pain, it is an awful thing. On top of this there are the restrictions that are placed on partners. maybe this is because we can't always go out with friends, host dinner parties or financial limitations that are caused by being chronically ill. It is hard for them to be in the position of lover, friend and care giver.
So, in many respects I can see my friends point of view, at 30 why would you want to start a relationship that is going to be hard work?.....Then I remember that all relationships are hard work and we move on to the over riding factors at play.........
We are all aging........
Love should hold no bars, it should be open to all of us whatever our background, religion, sexuality, medical problems....it should have no limits. If you meet someone at 30 who is in perfect health, only for them to become ill the next year what are you going to do? As we age illness may well creep in, it's a fact of life. So if you are going into a relationship under the impression that you don't want to take on caring for someone, then that is not setting you off on the right foot is it?
There is a Shakespeare quote that I have often relied on throughout the years...so much so that last year I hand embroidered the entire quote for a friends wedding present....it goes like this.......
"Love is not love which alters when its alteration finds, or bends with the remover to move. O'no, it is an ever fixed mark"
Now it took me a long time to truly understand the meaning of this quote. Maybe I was too young or I just hadn't experienced it. Now though I hang on this quotes every words.
Simply it means that love is not real love if you have to bend or change for the other person to love you. Love is when you are accepted for who you are, faults and all. You are not loved in spite of faults, you are loved for them as much as your great points. Now, you may think I am just a mad old romantic, but ask yourself this....is this not a true statement. Should I not be loved because I am ill. When I am old I may get ill, will someone leave me then because of this? No, the likelihood is that they wont, so what is the difference now?
The moral of this story is too love without prejudice, fore thought or pride. Us that are out there fighting every day may have walls up to protect us from those who want us to bend and change. Once we let those walls down you have our hearts, so treat them gently.
