Girl, do NOT try and put a hat on all of this awesome sauce.
Thirty one years ago, as JR Ewing lay shot on the floor of his office, I think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume that if he had known what would become of his precious Dallas he would have opted to just bleed out and make it all go away.
Actually, chances are pretty good that if Sue Ellen’s dingy sister had not pulled the trigger, and having even the slightest premonition that The A List: Dallas would someday be the new representation of his fair city, JR would probably have asked his secretary to stop sleeping with her co-workers long enough to go buy him a gun so he could do it himself.
Seriously. No wonder everyone but PETA is already threatening boycotts and spamming the internet with everything from petitions to voodoo curses.
But since I gave myself the heavy burden of being your Go2Guy for all things Reality, I decided to take one for the team and see what all the buzz was about.
That, and someone dared me to.
And, in all honesty, after all these months of Toddlers & Tiaras I thought it would be nice to watch a show where people actually had their adult teeth and no longer needed a flipper. I just didn’t realize they would use those big boy teeth for so much whining.
The producers of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, a show full of loud fierce women, decided to step out of the box and really shake things up this time by going in a whole new direction: a show full of loud fierce boys with Southern Texas accents.
That, and the fact that the network needed to fill some air time now that The A List: New York is over, which was a show about loud fierce boys without Southern accents. So come to think of it when you see it all on paper, maybe it’s not so new and edgy. Maybe those producers are milking that cow dry.
Speaking of, the first shot of the premiere episode is a big wet cow snout kissing the camera. (Let’s just stereotype Dallas right out of the gate, shall we?) Apparently the crew never wiped down the lens, because my plasma had a nasty film on the screen for the remainder of the show, thanks to some Southern fierceness and aerosol overspray.
Since this was pretty much the intro episode, we got to meet all the boys.
Levi The Cowboy was first. Poor guy had dreams of being a rodeo star but broke two vertebrae in his back and now owns a line of Dirty Boy Underoos embellished with your own numeric bragging statistic on the crotch. Think monogrammed designer shirts, but it’s done in inches instead of Helvetica font. And it’s on your junk instead of your cuff. Mom must cry herself to sleep.
Levi almost always wears his cowboy hat. He says it gets him noticed.
Doesn’t every cowboy wear a cowboy hat? Just asking.
Aside from having dated nearly half the cast, Levi’s other claim to fame is a nasally nervous laugh that hasn’t been heard on TV since Chris Hansen asked all those child molesters to have a seat in the kitchen back on Dateline: To Catch A Preditor.
While Levi snorts about his manhood, we meet Taylor. He’s a little Prepster. And a Christian Gay Republican.
Remember that Sesame Street song? One of These Things is Not Like The Other? Yeah. That one.
Sing it now.
Twice.
Taylor brags about how he is a Fund Raising Consultant, youngest Chief of Staff ever, people throw money at him for his campaigns…the usual political mumbo jumbo.
Like a fruit salad tossed with holy water, he is a quirky juxtaposition of flavors. When he is not going Republican gangbusters, he is at church or the gay bar. He shows us the Bible App on his iPad (My Apple case is nicer, bitch…) and laments that he is newly single and still kinda sorta likes Levi.
I still think he’s the kid who rang up my sweater at Ralph Lauren’s Rugby Store this weekend, but since I wasn’t in Dallas…maybe not.
Rounding third base we get introduced to James. Buzz Cut. Drunk. Trust Fund Baby. Hot Mess. There you go.
Since the dawn of time, every whacky gay sidekick needs a whackier girl to go shopping and play hair salon with, and that’s why Ashley is next up on deck. (Like the way I’m throwing in all the sports references so the show doesn’t spook anyone out too much? It’s a gift.)
Big bright colors. Big blonde hair. Bigger the better. Al Gore is totally gonna nail her for Global Warming. None of the other boys will.
In a weird twist, Ashley is married but her husband doesn’t live in Dallas. He’s shown in a 30 second hugging scene which was probably filmed at the bus station, and then he’s never heard from again. But he’s ok with her hanging out with the Boys. Whatever you say, dude.
She’s from Taylor’s hometown, raised Southern Baptist and the two of them are Prayer Partners. She knows photography and religion, but God didn’t bless her with any vegetable washing skills as she stumbles around Taylor’s IKEA showroom kitchen with a fistful of asparagus stalks. You just stay cute, honey.
Since the producers couldn’t have NeNe Leaks in two places at once, they brought in the skinny male version. Phillip the Stylist is a sassy triple shot of a Bloomingdales fashionista, that nosey lady who always hangs out her apartment window and Urkel from Family Matters. His endearing qualities are great skin and some crazy massive Great Googlie Oooglie eyeballs when he gets excited.
Phillip takes us to see his client, who is so tired from exercising that she needs to take the elevator up to her bedroom walk-in closet.
The elevator.
Since my apartment is so small that I didn’t even need to invest in extension cords, I hated her right away and went to brush my teeth.
After a quick spit & rinse we were with Chase, a real estate wheeler dealer with psycho hair. He says it’s just schizophrenic hair with a mind of its own. Some days it is good, some days it is bad. Some days it’s big. Some days it’s bigger. Some days it takes the bus, some days it robs a bank.
On a good day he looks like one of the kids at the GAP. On a bad day he looks like a video from the first year MTV was on the air.
Chase proudly proclaims that everyone is envious of his life due to his hair. Do NOT come in the bathroom if you hear his hair dryer on. That is HIS quality time with all those massive follicles.
Dude…if you are in the bathroom, you don’t need to worry about anyone coming in, hair dryer or not. Trust me on that one.
The first adventure the gang goes on is to the Rodeo, since it’s The A List: Dallas. Der.
Because James nearly always wakes up drunk from the previous night’s partying, he was already sulking and slamming them back as soon as everyone got to the viewing box. The big controversy is whether or not he is delusional regarding his past with Levi. Since he is always half in the bag, no one necessarily believes his stories about relationships or spaceship Alien probes.
This being Phillips first rodeo, and he is a stylist after all, he comes decked out in head to toe Village People. I hope his clients weren’t DVRing this show or he’s going to need to update his resume.
James causes a little bit of drama, but the show is only one day old and no viewers are invested yet, so it’s pretty tame. He does, however, threaten to smash a beer bottle in Levi’s face, which I guess is the macho way that cowboys fight in 2011. On my last Sunday matinee Western I could have sworn they smashed beer bottles and chairs over each other’s heads in the Saloon, but I guess the beer bitch slap is the new black.
Second night out at the restaurant doesn’t go any better. The highlight was Ashley and Chase seeing who could spray up the biggest hairdo before the evening even began. If you can get that coal miner black lung thing from Aqua Net, those two will be on oxygen by Christmas.
At the dinner James gets all hissy again while nibbling on the skinny stirrer/straws in his drink. Who actually uses those things to suck up their drink except Sorority girls who don’t want to smudge their lip gloss? Dude. Man up.
Phillip morphs into that lady hanging out the window again and stirs the pot until James blows a nutty. I sense that this is the direction we’re going in this season, people.
And then suddenly we get Ashley and Taylor sitting in the grass studying the bible. I had one of my now infamous couch searches, thinking that once again I either sat on the remote or was watching a commercial for some Community College Adult Ed program.
It was just some weird s***…no other way to explain it.
Ashely prayed that Taylor got a date, and for a minute I expected them to head off to the Malt Shoppe and share a chocolate frappe with one straw, except that she’s married.
And Taylor probably can’t get the image of last night’s Grand Ole Opry dress that Ashley squeezed into out of his head.
And…well…you know. She’s a girl.
We finish off episode numbah one, y’all, with Levi finally taking off his hat and rendezvousing with Taylor for dinner.
Is that a bible in your pocket or are you just happy to see me, Taylor?
It was like two schoolgirls skipping class and getting giggly. Levi snorted his way through some off color bikini jokes, and Taylor talked about George W. Bush. (And he wonders why he’s single?)
And that was that for round one. Maybe it will get more exciting as time goes on.
Or maybe Bobby Ewing will be in the shower when Pam wakes up, and the whole thing is a bad dream.
Either way, I’m afraid Dallas will never be the same again.
