I met him at the age of 20. I had been brought sedated to a high dependency unit to be treated for a eating disorder and depression 100 miles away from my home, and family. I was completely lost physically and mentally. Turns out in that particular high dependency unit I as the new girl was seen as fresh meat, something to be nailed. All the other girls put out in there, openly having in patient sex , so the men assumed I would be the same. I had been raped. That was why I was ill and any man coming near me was getting his balls ripped off.
I first met him three days into my stay when he came to introduce himself to me. His voice was soft and calm, and his eyes kind. Ok ok, I admit the first thing i saw of him was his jeans. Black jeans . I have a thing about black jeans. He kept checking me every 15 minutes as set out by all staff, but as nights went by he would stay in between times sometimes and talk to me. He was easy going, chatty, and didn’t judge me for anything. I slowly began to trust him. With his help I felt brave enough to leave my room and watch tv . I earned the right to stand outside for a few minutes and he would stand with me. He would take me into the staffroom and let me sit while some staff talked around me till one day I joined in. He was fooling around being a tit and he fell off his sliding chair. I found it hilarious and laughed ..a lot.
Everyone realised I had broke the ice and I began talking. I earned more privileges, being able to walk to the shop, Sit outside for 15 minutes and if he was free he would come with me. If not I would go alone. I loved the freedom. Then a resident who was pissed that I had knocked him back told the staff we were having a affair. Obviously we weren’t but they decided I was a risk of accusing him of something and ordered him away from me. I got a new keyworker. We got on well together, she was great and she realised it was all false. Eventully after a few weeks he was allowed to be around me again. It was a relief. I had missed him. We would talk in the room with people to prove there was nothing going on. Talk for hours. About his life, my life. His girlfriend. He told me how unhappy he was with her.
On my last night there I was a bit nervous and upset about leaving my friend there. I had to go home. He took me out to get some chips and on the way told me he had feelings for me, he really liked me and was gutted I was going. Technically my funding ran out at 12.00 am and it was 12.30am so according to staff I was no longer a resident so therefore not breaking any rules. I was grinning. I didnt know when or how but he had thawed me out.
That night in my room we kissed. It was wrong. So very wrong but oh my god it was THE most amazing kiss ever. I didnt want it to end. My stomach was flipping, the butterflies were going crazy. It was crazy. I couldnt sleep that night at all and in the morning I went down and sat next to him. They were doing the handover and it was just us. I asked him did he regret last night and he was adamant that he didn’t. He loved it. I felt the same. We sat there for a hour holding hands while handover took place both knowing i was going 100 miles away, and may not be back. It was goodbye. He was upset and so was I. As he was leaving he gave me a bit of paper with his number on it. I had known him over a year by then. It felt like a bit of me was being wrenched.
At home I tried to settle in but I couldnt. I didnt belong there anymore. We spoke every day, several times a day for four months and then one night he came to get me. His girlfriend came with him. I wasn’t going back to claim him* I was going as my depression was creeping back being there. It wasn’t healthy for me. He drove all night to get to me and flung his arms around me. His girlfriend, she was weary of me, naturally and a bit standoffish, which to be fair I would have been if my boyfriend was doing that. Back at his house his girlfriend went to bed. He sat on the sofa with me and hugged me. For three hours till she got up to go work he hugged me.
When he got back from dropping her off at work he returned and kissed me. That kiss was all it took for ALL my barriers to fall down. We had amazing sex. All the time his relationship with his girlfriend was at best rocky. It had been since I had known him. He wasn’t happy. She was trying to trap him into having kids by not taking her pill. She would belittle him infront of friends. Upset him. It was hard to watch to be honest. It changed how I saw him. Day by day I became more of a girlfriend than her.
One day they had a row and he packed her things. It was us then straight from the start he told me he loved me and kept saying it even when I got pregnant. He didnt feel trapped he felt it was right even if not planned. We moved house. He introduced me to his family, we had our son, then two years later our daughter, then two tears after our son. Now we have four sons and one daughter and eleven years of history.
We had a connection from the word go. Instant, strong. Many many people have said it’s wrong, he was wrong, and my moral code is wrong and I think yes I hold my hands up I should never have allowed it while he was with someone, its not something im proud of being the other woman and i would never condone it but im glad i did it because of where I am now. His relationship was over long before me they were both just clinging to a thread. I broke the thread the first time I looked in his eyes he says.
Sometimes it pays to be the other woman
A sincere thank you to the mum who shred her experience anonymously with us on the blog today – can you relate to this post at all? I would leave to hear your views …
