"Happy Saturday!"
I woke this morning thinking about how independently my life has become since I became sober. How good of a feeling that is! I woke this morning thinking about how I once depended so much on the next drunk, next love, next job and next way out of me in order to feel independent in my drinking days. I was living in a jail with alcoholism! What independence meant to me when I was drinking was the fact that I was not in jail, in trouble or had to commit to something! I had distorted thinking! I did not think independently!
I was once consumed by drama, chaos and toxic people, places and things when I was growing up and when I began to drink! I was addicted to it! I depended on it! I needed it in my life to feel alive, important and needed. On the other hand, I managed to work full time, attend college full time and pay my way through college. That seemed to be pretty independent compared to my other friends that had their college paid for and with no respect as to how much their parents really gave to them so freely. I envied my friends that had it easy! I really was delusional! I know today that by me working so hard gave me the strength to pull through anything. Thanks, dad for cutting me off when you felt my days of college were just a party! I had to work for my college degree if I wanted it,..I did even though it seemed to take me forever. I did it! It was then that I realized I was truly independent, newly sober and a world ready for me to dive into. I think if my dad would had continued to pay for my college and enabled me I would never have the independence as I do today! I was young when I became sober but not young enough not to know better. I needed to be independent in my sobriety!
When I was newly sober I depended on going to meetings every night and sometimes twice a day on the weekends. When I was newly sober I depended so much on people's suggestions, my sponsor and everything it took in order to remain sober. I was not independent when I first became sober but I knew eventually I would become independent. I needed to work on me, chose to go to outside therapy, share with others, and figure out what type of recovery I wanted in my life. I wanted a recovery of independence with a mix of humility, grace, peace, acceptance, love and understanding! I needed to understand more of me, my wants, needs and mostly love for me in order to gain that independence. Believe me, it did not happen over night, in fact it did not happen until I was over 5 years sober. I was able to balance out my time with the program and me as an individual without loosing the fact I was still an alcoholic and that I am still in recovery no matter what. Lastly and by far the most, I learned to depend more on God than anything else and that is one area I never want to become independent! I was independent in my sobriety!
I eventually became married and had my son and daughter. My husband is a workaholic were I can take on those same traits but know the difference and try to practice that balance everyday. It is a challenge but it is not impossible. My independence with my husband along with my kids is freeing! If my husband has something planned or wants to do something I give him my blessings. I love to be with my kids and it is one of the reasons why I quit my job after having my son and have worked from home since. I do not rely on my husband to fill my voids, unhappiness or boredom. I do not need to live in his back pocket and I stay out of his business. I allow my kids their independence as well and teach them how important it is to never loose yourself, your needs and wants to anyone. However, there were times when my husband and I were first married when he chose to not be around to help, to support and to just listen. My husband was only doing what he was only taught as a child or able to do for me and my son at the time. Yes,...I would get angry, resentful and lonely! I had to work on me to understand why he had so much power and control over my feelings and I chose to change me for my kids and myself. I did it! On the other hand, do not get me wrong my husband is a good man and even good for me in order for me to really see things in my life that I need or still need to work on. I am grateful for that today! I am independent of that today! I am free today! I no longer resent, get angry or lonely...as much, had to say that because I am not perfect. My kids have learned to accept that my husband is there for them during there sporting events, family parties and other occasions but not as much as I am for them,...emotionally, spiritually and mentally!
When my son was diagnosed with Autism I took my son to the doctor, his therapy and consultations at school. My husband was present for the diagnoses, some IEP meetings with the school but mostly everything from understanding my son, getting him help, researching and support in areas people today still do not understand falls all on me. Am I sad about it? Am I lonely about it? Am I frustrated about it? Am I resentful about it? No!, none of thee above! When my son was first diagnosed and I was hit with so much information and advice all at once,...not to mention just having the time to cry and let all my fears, worries and sadness come out...I did feel all those things towards my husband and to people who did not support, comfort or just understand what I was feeling along with my son, himself! After several months, those feelings subsided and I took on everything with God. I gave everything to him and woke one morning with his presence and knew nothing would go wrong and if it does it will still work out the way it was suppose to be. My son's Autism strengthened my independence. I regained my independence!
My daughter was born and she is very independent, full of love and a ray of sunshine and light! My daughter at times is too independent where she shows signs of the "isms" I had wrote about in a previous blog. What I mean by that is that she does not want to ask for help at any cost and is extremely hard on herself when she does not achieve her goal at doing something. She tries so hard for perfection. When observing my daughter when she shows these behaviors reminds me of how I would be as a child when it came to sports and my artwork. My daughter's independence teaches me or rather reminds me to find the balance, not be so hard on my own self and that perfection is an unrealistic thought or goal! God's message that runs through my daughter helps me find balance and realistic goals with my independence! I look for God's message in order to grow and live a blessed recovery today. God has helped me to live independently in my sobriety!
Do you feel independent? Do you rely on people to get you out of situations? Do you rely on someone to make you feel happy, needed, and loved? Today I will run with gratitude of my independence and know that without my sobriety I would not be as independent as I am today!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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