This is my first post with my new camera. It’s an intimidatingly beautiful Canon 60D, and it came with a manual that is about the same size as To Kill A Mockingbird. It’s going to take me some trial and error before I get used to using it, and loads of the pictures I’ve taken since I got it are wobbly (there are about 127580323478539 possible combinations of settings, and I have very shaky hands), and these pictures aren’t the right size for me, but nevertheless it feels amazing to finally have a proper camera again and get started on rebooting my blog. I’ve missed blogging so much the last couple of months. I want to make more time for it this spring. I know it feeds my soul and helps me stay sane. Being in a relationship with someone I love this way is so new and wonderful, but I really wasn’t prepared for how much of my energy a boyfriend would take up (sorry darling, if you’re reading. Love you!) and how strong the hold of a couple-bubble can be. When we’re together, it feels like such a mammoth effort to even leave his arms to go to the fucking bathroom, let alone create a blog post. You could say happiness is not a very creative state for me; I become soft, giggly, lazy, wasteful, reckless, absorbed in my lover. I lose that painful drive of questioning and unrest that pushes me to make things. So much of my art and writing springs from a sense of separateness. I need my mind to be independent, free, in order to create. And there is nothing independent about my current state. So sometimes I am caught between my heart’s desire to merge, and my mind’s need for separateness.
