Yeah. That’s right, honey. Now you might stand a chance.
Baby, baby, baby. Whoah. Say it ain’t so.
In case you were caught up in that whole US Credit Downgrade Stock Market Almost Crashing Thing this weekend, let me bring you up to speed on what’s really been going on out in the Real World.
You may not have felt it, but there was a brief ripple in the Teeny Bop Time Continuum Vortex. For Realz.
Regardless of which astrological glitter sticker locker door chart you use to track these sort of things, over the last few days all calculations began to verify the possibility that the RadioDisney constellation JelenaSelieber is showing signs of imploding all over itself like just so much Nickelodeon green slime.
The mere suggestion/rumor that such a carefully placed, perfectly photo-opped stellar creation could not survive Infinity & Beyond nearly shut down the internet, all our unlimited text plans and every Limited Too retail outlet in the Free World.
Translation? What does that actually mean to anyone old enough to shave or wear a bra? It means that Selena Gomez may have dumped Justin Bieber.
A moment to process all that, and the ramifications for hyper ventilating Tweens everywhere.
And all this is happening before the Back To School shopping season even begins?
Think about it. If Justin Bieber is actually back on the market, there ain’t enough Biebz Trapper Keepers in all the Target warehouses in all of America to placate the gazillion girly girls who will spend Algebra class doodling “Mrs. Justin Bieber” all over the back cover. This won’t be pretty.
The CNN rumor mill…(OK, I couldn’t even keep a straight face while I typed that)…is verifying/gossiping that Selena doesn’t like the Biebz choice in friends and doesn’t want all that sketchy riff raff bringing down her skyrocketing career. (Two attempts at a straight face in one sentence. A new Blog Record.) As has been well documented in the press lately, Justin does not appear to fully recall that he is in reality still a Little White Boy. He has as of late surrounded himself with random Homies that must give even his YouTube pimping Mom cause to second guess some of her past choices.
Sean Kingston and Lil Wayne have both recently taken Justin and their police records for rides around town, and Selena don’t play dat. Chris Brown didn’t want to be left out of the fun, and has also been seen waving his Rihanna pumping fists in the air to some Justin tunes while they laid down some new tracks. Selena really don’t play dat. The dealio is that Justin dragged some of his crew backstage to chill after Selena’s concert, potentially terrifying her own groupies, many of whom still carry unicorn stuffed animals in their backpacks decorated with those Hello Kitty Head key chain dangling thingamabobs.
Add to that Justin being photographed in a nasty potty mouthed logo t-shirt a short time ago, and you know somebody at Disney is breathing into a bag right now.
Depending on which of your tearful summer camp BFFs TTFN IM you first, Justin & Selena are either broken up or still together. Duh. No one knows, and no one over 14 seems to care. But this thing is still clogging up all the Google pages and keeping Ryan and the staff at Eonline working overtime on a Sunday. A “leaked” photo of the Teen Choice Awards showed the auditorium seating layout, and O…M…G…they are not sitting together. I know, right? There are empty chairs between them. Empty.
Why me, God? Is the space set aside for parents, which means they are still together? Or bodyguards, which means they are broken up and someone needs to make sure they play nice? Or is it for all the surfboards he is going to win? (And what is anyone, celeb or otherwise, gonna do with an airbrushed surfboard trophy? What if you win more than one? How do you even get all that home on the subway? Seriously, TCA? OMG. ROTFLMAO. Smiley face icon goes here…I just don’t know how to do it, and I can’t find a 9 year old to break it down for me.)
Whether they walk the red carpet or not, no one knows if it is for publicity’s sake and they are grinning and bearing it, or if they are really still together. Or maybe they broke up too late to find another date, even though I’m pretty sure Chris Brown could have hooked up the Biebz with a hooch or two without even getting out of the drivers seat. “I thought I told you to get to yo’ a** into the Teen Choice Awards? Don’t make me put this thing in park, woman.”
I dunno. Only time, and the non-Dateline chat rooms, will tell for sure. I shouldn’t even know as much as I’ve already let on.
I need to find something to do between Real Housewives episodes.
Seacrest, out.
