"Happy Thursday!"
When I drank I never faced any of my fears. When I drank, I drank to escape my fears. When I drank facing my fears consisted of drinking more, avoiding more and denying more. When I drank, I chose not to think about things I feared, because it only made me have to deal with it, look at it and come to terms with it. When I drank it helped me to deal with my fear!
My biggest fear, before I became sober, in my life was to,...stop drinking! Can you believe I said that? Yes, it is true. I feared the day when I would be forced, told or face a big consequence that would end my drinking days! The day came, the tears came, the anxiety came, the...FEAR came and stayed with me for a long time!
When I became sober I was ready and willing to do so, but I still had that fear. Fear of what? Fear of having to rely on myself to think, to speak up, to say what I mean and mean what I said. To have courage to do things without the crutch of a buzz to carry me through...I still had fear! To have the strength to get up the next morning and face my day sober, clean and aware of everything and everybody around me...I still had fear. To have the willingness to go on being sober no matter how challenging my day was or still can be today...I still had fear! To look at my character defects and know that I have to call it what it is, admit my wrong doings, stop playing the blame game with others and allow myself to see me for who I was and what changes I needed to make within myself in order for me to grow into a responsible and accountable human being...I still had fear! To accept life on life terms...I still had fear! To have the willingness to learn from others, take criticism as a way to learn more about myself as well as others...I still had fear! To have the willingness to write out my resentments, share it with another in the program and learn to let things go,...in order for me...to be let go from, guilt, shame and abandonment...I still had fear! To be mindful of my anger and know I was truly "fearing" something or someone,...instead! The list could go on, but I faced my fear and later faced many more and knew in my heart that if I can stay sober I can face my fears.
Today, after several years of sobriety I still have fears but face them with "less" fear, anxiety and worry. My fears that I feel today are more mindful and allow me to see God in my life. Whenever I find myself fearing something I look to God for the message. I become still,...after I freak out for a brief moment! It allows me to see God's message! I feel God's message is in everything and everyone, you just have to be willing to see it, accept and learn from it. For instance, one of my fears is running in my neighborhood and a loose dog comes out of no where and I am stuck with a potential dangerous situation. I have been fearing this for some time now, but have never prepared myself for it,...until yesterday! Yes!, you got it, I was faced running yesterday and a loose dog came out of no where...not to mention it was about 100lbs. Rottweiler dog, that was very aggressive and ready for anything. I stopped dead in my tracks and stood there trying to stay calm,...I just prayed to God...as this dog continued to jump all over me, sniff me and began biting at my pant leg! Horror crept in and I began to feel myself panic,...who wouldn't? I asked God to help me,...again! He did,...by presenting the dog and having myself face my fear and allowing myself to see my situation for what it was and to know to better prepare myself next time I go running. Believe me, I will! Furthermore, I continued to pray and as I did I was able to cross a very busy street that at some times never seems safe to cross, but at that moment there was no car in sight and I was able to cross. God was my crossing guard! I must pay it forward and now be more prepared when I run! I must be more mindful and not take things for granted, even when I have that inner instinct inside of me telling me to be more aware, more prepared and more cautious of things when I go running,...no matter how fast I can run! Lastly, I was safe, I faced my fear, I will not take things for granted and I will know better next time I run! Today, my fears are always looked at, dealt with or solved with by,...a lesson. For me, my fears give me the opportunity to see me differently. In other words, either I am not dealing with something, avoiding something or taking something for granted in my life. I must allow myself to face it,...so I can look at that fear differently!
I am so blessed to have fear in my life today. I thought I would never say that! I did, and I am happy to know that I no longer fear,...fear! Fear has allowed me to change for the better. Fear has allowed me to let God in my life! Fear has taught me more about myself, my boundaries and my self awareness, which has allowed me to change, in order to protect me, respect me and love me. Lastly, fear has allowed me to have courage, strength and above all self respect!
Do you struggle with fear? If so, how do you handle it? I hope my blog post helped you realize that fear can help us be more aware of ourselves which can lead to many positive changes in our life! Today, I did not run outside, instead I ran on my elliptical knowing I was much safer!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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